it's friday again, and my first week of mc is over. im much better, but i seriously think that i need at least 1X good extension. 30 days, hopefully. aha. my medic friend told me some meniscus boy got 110 days, but thats just too godlike already. dont think im that skilled la.
got into sciences po, if my moms colleague, my friends and i didnt read the email wrongly. what a relief. now i dont have to study at sim. yay. except that its for the wrong year, 2010. have to go get it rectified to 2011, unless somehow i get to disrupt. which will be good. when i come back for the last 2 months of service i would be a general duties spec cos they wont bother enough to give me a store or make me do any real work. w00tw00t.
im really enjoying myself, even if i have to be on crutches. i guess the relief from securing my uni outstrips the pain. haha.
Friday, June 11, 2010
Thursday, June 10, 2010
nothing on you
life is beautiful when you wake up at 9am in the morning blanketed in the sun's rays shining through the tinted glass windows. beautiful is the morning when after washing up you get back into bed to read books as the room slowly warms up again as the cold air escapes from a now opened door. an unrushed breakfast tasted by ready tastebuds, taken on porcelain plates with chocolate milk in a tasteful glass mug makes it all the better. the fact that lazing on the bed is not wasting 2 days of civilian freedom makes the day sweeter. ah, life is so divine. i love my mc and i need to get it extended.
there is no guilt to taking mc, really, because of the enjoyment accrued without associated loss. in school, you miss lessons, and you have to play catch up. no such thing now. you miss activities but you dont have to pay them back or play catch up. whats over is over as the countdown timer continues to tick towards the most important day of the 2 years of being a public good. with my free time, i have been engaging in rewarding activities, catching up on current affairs and reading social theories, things i havent been able to do in camp despite having chunks of free time because these times are interspersed with random chores that piss me off and break my chain of thought. when im doing serious reading, like i did just now on nu and whatever funny bloc in indonesia within which everyone was ahmad or muhd, i just switch off the phone and now as i progress deeper into my mc nobody calls me anymore, except for some storeman who enjoys talking to me, which is fine, really.
im really now making up for the june holidays of 2008 and 2007, times when i had to mug through the holidays because rj like quite a number of others put the common tests the week after the holidays. in jc1 hard work was required because the first 6 mths i didnt study i just played all the way and in jc2 because i focused on clearing ap and h3 in smu. unlike the hols of yore, i didnt get to go out to play, laze in bed till 9 or 10, watch tv all day and read comics. i woke up early to go to school to study. it was fun, especially when my friends joined me, and some days we fooled around more than we studied, but that nagging from within to get serious or flunk the test made sure it didnt feel like a real break. now im sleeping till 9 with a vengeance, watching ellen degeneres with a vengeance, playing bejeweled with a vengeance. LOL. the enjoyment of each unit of sleep, of stupid tv shows and of stupid games has been diminished, as we know, since the demand curve slopes with a negative gradient, but im still fine since the supply function is still below the demand function and i am profiting way too much.
the greatest weakness of conscription is the inability to align the interest of the individual conscript and the interest of the organization. pep talks work, threats work, pride and discipline work, but only that much. and where i come from, it probably almost doesnt work at all. at least half the people play mcs, reporting sick whenever they dont want to go to work. as a society of the book, nothing much can be done to them as long as they follow the rules and stay at home and remain contactable. some people might find this tough but definitely not me, since i love staying at home and i appreciate the chance to connect with my table, my chair, my sofa, my bed, my toys, the parquet floor and to some extent the barking of my neighbors retarded jack russell. i love how i digress.
anyway, the way to align the interest of the individual to the organization is to provide incentives for actions that benefit the organization requiring the labor (loss of leisure) of the individual so that the nett impact on the individual is positive. this incentive is not hard to find in the army and not hard to find where i serve. individuals are rewarded with offs for doing work, even if in other camps this work is expected of his rank and vocation. i guess this variable component is good, because without it most of the work just wont get done; most people will just be wandering the camp grounds like zombies instead of working. because there is a deadline for everything, the hardworking nice guys will get suckered into doing the work of the lazy buggers at no loss to the lazy buggers. this deadweight welfare loss and inequity has been common in all the camps ive been to, whatever the formation. punishment for the lazy buggers is going to have very limited impact, because like what i said earlier, this is an organization of the book and everyone knows how easy it is to get an mc. to prevent this from happening, from having people reward themselves, it seems better to reward them and get the work done instead of having them reward themselves without getting anything done. it must be easier to obtain the incentive by working than by waiting in line in the polyclinic for hours or paying $40 to the gp below the block. in some sense providing the incentive would be good not just for the organization but also for the society at large. we know how A&E are so clogged up with people who would otherwise die or become paralyzed from the common cold or sore throat. with a healthy system of offs it is less likely that this would happen.
wow so inspired.
Let X = output by labor of the individual to benefit of firm
since all output requires input, assuming direct convertibility, the cost of out by labor to the individual, D (disincentive) should be about X.
it is a fair assumption that the firm benefits from squeezing value out of its labor, so the gain of the firm is to the loss of the labor. so what is positive for the firm has a negative mirror for the labor.
for labor to continue working, and incentive, I, to labor is required. in the private sector, pay, possible promotion, variable bonus and having a job all contributes to this, but in the army the only I possible would be time off, since pay is already fixed, no matter whether one contributes or not, promotion has already been largely determined from your appointment (eg i cannot become a 2sg as an nsf since im a cqms) and you cant be fired. so timeoffs would be like the variable bonus to get you to do work on a daily basis. for it to work, this condition, I-D>0.
the trick here is that the cost of creation of I and enjoyment of I is different and exploitable. in this case, the cos of I is close to 0, since offs are usually taken in lull period when otherwise the clowns are just staring into space or using inet in the bc. and eating cookhouse food, in the process wasting taxpayers monies. so it is possible to reach a win-win situation by giving out offs.
if one is a martinet, it is not difficult to see another option- doling out the reverse. instead of rewarding people for good work, punish them for the Lack Of good work. delaying bookout or harrassment or staff parades are all possible options, since confinement and DB are usually restricted to disciplinary problems where people are punished for not conforming instead of not performing. it is easier to catch these people, but this should be fodder for another post. the problem with penalizing people for the lack of good work is that there is no definitive measure of good work and equity problems will arise. in a camp like mine, the conscripts are extracted from a whole milieu of people with different abilities in different areas. on top of it, no two people do exactly the same job even if both might be storemen or both might be cq. it is already difficult to judge true effort and judging the lack of effort is even harder. no matter what screening device the top man uses, there is no way to be close to even half right half the time. according to dixitnskeath, rewards are used therefore to promote active action while punishments are used to restrict active non compliance. wow h3. awesome.
anyway I = timeoffs, best dog of the month, etc etc etc, even the smile on the boss' face, for some tiny cut of the conscript. but as we know, and as is the justification for astronomical salaries of the superscale, tangibles>>>intangibles. i think so too and i wont contradict this.
the problem usually comes in when there is supposed inequity in the rewards system. some degree of inequity is not just accepted but also expected, but where i am this variance can be so huge it becomes unpalatable. for example, some people have to record closely every single off awarded while others take off when theres nothing to do without deducting from the record. some get off for lifting a finger while some only get early release after getting their energy milked out from their tits like marigold cows. with incapable bosses and differing yardsticks, there is no one situation that can make the palate come. but it can be improved, like all else in this organization, by creating a book of rewards and minimizing discretion of the midlevel managers since most of them cant really manage themselves. just look at my own. he cant even get his hair to standards, argues with the ism over this like a kid, cant support his own guys and is always missing most of the time. his sidekick isnt much better, being stupid enough to always take the long and winding way when there is a direct freeway to the point. for the organization to change for the better, it is not just about the books but also about its guardians. and of course the selection of guardians, which from my experience seems quite flawed, because honestly for all my pussiness i dont see how i am less able as an officer than some people who dont know what they are talking about and find using english a challenge.
much has been done, but much more has to be done.
there is no guilt to taking mc, really, because of the enjoyment accrued without associated loss. in school, you miss lessons, and you have to play catch up. no such thing now. you miss activities but you dont have to pay them back or play catch up. whats over is over as the countdown timer continues to tick towards the most important day of the 2 years of being a public good. with my free time, i have been engaging in rewarding activities, catching up on current affairs and reading social theories, things i havent been able to do in camp despite having chunks of free time because these times are interspersed with random chores that piss me off and break my chain of thought. when im doing serious reading, like i did just now on nu and whatever funny bloc in indonesia within which everyone was ahmad or muhd, i just switch off the phone and now as i progress deeper into my mc nobody calls me anymore, except for some storeman who enjoys talking to me, which is fine, really.
im really now making up for the june holidays of 2008 and 2007, times when i had to mug through the holidays because rj like quite a number of others put the common tests the week after the holidays. in jc1 hard work was required because the first 6 mths i didnt study i just played all the way and in jc2 because i focused on clearing ap and h3 in smu. unlike the hols of yore, i didnt get to go out to play, laze in bed till 9 or 10, watch tv all day and read comics. i woke up early to go to school to study. it was fun, especially when my friends joined me, and some days we fooled around more than we studied, but that nagging from within to get serious or flunk the test made sure it didnt feel like a real break. now im sleeping till 9 with a vengeance, watching ellen degeneres with a vengeance, playing bejeweled with a vengeance. LOL. the enjoyment of each unit of sleep, of stupid tv shows and of stupid games has been diminished, as we know, since the demand curve slopes with a negative gradient, but im still fine since the supply function is still below the demand function and i am profiting way too much.
the greatest weakness of conscription is the inability to align the interest of the individual conscript and the interest of the organization. pep talks work, threats work, pride and discipline work, but only that much. and where i come from, it probably almost doesnt work at all. at least half the people play mcs, reporting sick whenever they dont want to go to work. as a society of the book, nothing much can be done to them as long as they follow the rules and stay at home and remain contactable. some people might find this tough but definitely not me, since i love staying at home and i appreciate the chance to connect with my table, my chair, my sofa, my bed, my toys, the parquet floor and to some extent the barking of my neighbors retarded jack russell. i love how i digress.
anyway, the way to align the interest of the individual to the organization is to provide incentives for actions that benefit the organization requiring the labor (loss of leisure) of the individual so that the nett impact on the individual is positive. this incentive is not hard to find in the army and not hard to find where i serve. individuals are rewarded with offs for doing work, even if in other camps this work is expected of his rank and vocation. i guess this variable component is good, because without it most of the work just wont get done; most people will just be wandering the camp grounds like zombies instead of working. because there is a deadline for everything, the hardworking nice guys will get suckered into doing the work of the lazy buggers at no loss to the lazy buggers. this deadweight welfare loss and inequity has been common in all the camps ive been to, whatever the formation. punishment for the lazy buggers is going to have very limited impact, because like what i said earlier, this is an organization of the book and everyone knows how easy it is to get an mc. to prevent this from happening, from having people reward themselves, it seems better to reward them and get the work done instead of having them reward themselves without getting anything done. it must be easier to obtain the incentive by working than by waiting in line in the polyclinic for hours or paying $40 to the gp below the block. in some sense providing the incentive would be good not just for the organization but also for the society at large. we know how A&E are so clogged up with people who would otherwise die or become paralyzed from the common cold or sore throat. with a healthy system of offs it is less likely that this would happen.
wow so inspired.
Let X = output by labor of the individual to benefit of firm
since all output requires input, assuming direct convertibility, the cost of out by labor to the individual, D (disincentive) should be about X.
it is a fair assumption that the firm benefits from squeezing value out of its labor, so the gain of the firm is to the loss of the labor. so what is positive for the firm has a negative mirror for the labor.
for labor to continue working, and incentive, I, to labor is required. in the private sector, pay, possible promotion, variable bonus and having a job all contributes to this, but in the army the only I possible would be time off, since pay is already fixed, no matter whether one contributes or not, promotion has already been largely determined from your appointment (eg i cannot become a 2sg as an nsf since im a cqms) and you cant be fired. so timeoffs would be like the variable bonus to get you to do work on a daily basis. for it to work, this condition, I-D>0.
the trick here is that the cost of creation of I and enjoyment of I is different and exploitable. in this case, the cos of I is close to 0, since offs are usually taken in lull period when otherwise the clowns are just staring into space or using inet in the bc. and eating cookhouse food, in the process wasting taxpayers monies. so it is possible to reach a win-win situation by giving out offs.
if one is a martinet, it is not difficult to see another option- doling out the reverse. instead of rewarding people for good work, punish them for the Lack Of good work. delaying bookout or harrassment or staff parades are all possible options, since confinement and DB are usually restricted to disciplinary problems where people are punished for not conforming instead of not performing. it is easier to catch these people, but this should be fodder for another post. the problem with penalizing people for the lack of good work is that there is no definitive measure of good work and equity problems will arise. in a camp like mine, the conscripts are extracted from a whole milieu of people with different abilities in different areas. on top of it, no two people do exactly the same job even if both might be storemen or both might be cq. it is already difficult to judge true effort and judging the lack of effort is even harder. no matter what screening device the top man uses, there is no way to be close to even half right half the time. according to dixitnskeath, rewards are used therefore to promote active action while punishments are used to restrict active non compliance. wow h3. awesome.
anyway I = timeoffs, best dog of the month, etc etc etc, even the smile on the boss' face, for some tiny cut of the conscript. but as we know, and as is the justification for astronomical salaries of the superscale, tangibles>>>intangibles. i think so too and i wont contradict this.
the problem usually comes in when there is supposed inequity in the rewards system. some degree of inequity is not just accepted but also expected, but where i am this variance can be so huge it becomes unpalatable. for example, some people have to record closely every single off awarded while others take off when theres nothing to do without deducting from the record. some get off for lifting a finger while some only get early release after getting their energy milked out from their tits like marigold cows. with incapable bosses and differing yardsticks, there is no one situation that can make the palate come. but it can be improved, like all else in this organization, by creating a book of rewards and minimizing discretion of the midlevel managers since most of them cant really manage themselves. just look at my own. he cant even get his hair to standards, argues with the ism over this like a kid, cant support his own guys and is always missing most of the time. his sidekick isnt much better, being stupid enough to always take the long and winding way when there is a direct freeway to the point. for the organization to change for the better, it is not just about the books but also about its guardians. and of course the selection of guardians, which from my experience seems quite flawed, because honestly for all my pussiness i dont see how i am less able as an officer than some people who dont know what they are talking about and find using english a challenge.
much has been done, but much more has to be done.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
keep the change
my determination is waning. spent the morning watching shows i hardly enjoyed. got too lazy to get off the sofa so channel surfed. what a waste. shall go read books later man. what a way to spend an idyllic day.
its raining the cold wind blowing against my face.
gloomy weather, for those outfield,
but awesome weather for me here. i likes.
!
101><
W
its raining the cold wind blowing against my face.
gloomy weather, for those outfield,
but awesome weather for me here. i likes.
!
101><
W
Monday, June 7, 2010
think.
day 4 after my surgery. my knee is still somewhat swollen and motion is restricted. hurts when excessive pressure is placed on knee, so crutches are required for long distances. right leg seems somewhat longer than left, maybe due to the overstretched ligaments. much improved over day 0. apart from hurting so bad when i stood up, the back of my left hand got bruised from the drip needle soo bad. felt like shit, dressed like a gay lying on a bed in the day surgery ward waiting a whole afternoon for my doctor to see me. its still awhile to the end of my mc on 27th June, which is bloody short!
have been making good use of my time reading the newspaper from cover to cover. been reading it hard, read almost all the articles in all the sections except sport and classifieds. which is good. i feel a little smarter than the day before. set myself to the economist as well, and its the first time in a long while since i managed to finish an issue before the next appeared. i started reading books again. now im doing means' political islam in south east asia which is awesome. everyone who is interested in seasia should read it to get some background on transmission of religion in this region and how at one time or another the leaders of malaysia and indonesia have used and abused support from the religious quarter and how saudi arabia has been building and supporting schools that propagate its school of thought over the mishmash mixed version with Adat that seasias been all about. i regret reading it only after my interview. damns.
with whatever time i have left i have been watching television. which is good. reliving my childhood as i watch serials at all the odd timings in the day. like wolaiye is on at 11am! haha it was one of my favorite tcs serials when i was small. LOL. got in touch with my other side watching ellen degeneres. haha she is entertaining when you are bored. although a little repetitive at times. and i dont agree with her providing help to needy viewers bullcrap i think it creates the luck and handout mentality. ive got my evenings lined up. will watch whatever is nice from 8-9, usually variety shows, the noose, buffetlicious, whatever, and 9-10 i will watch cable from taiwan, which is good, and 10-11 i will watch that chU drama. havent applied myself to chU hongky dramas in a long time, but i enjoyed the past few episodes last week.
i think they missed me in camp. but this time around i made sure that i settled the stuff as best as i can. the only things i didnt do would be to bring the entrenchment tool and groundsheets up cos 4 stores is damn no deal, and climbing is difficult and i get scared when i am alone in the 42 men bunk and i have to run down cos im scared and i might trip and fall on my bad knee and i would be sweaty and have to shower cos i need to feel clean and all of this sucks cock. the stores are amazingly neat and i have given notice to whoever interested on whatever needed replacement. neat, except that the replacement would come in long later.
cant be bothered too much about those faggots. theres neither carrot for hard work nor stick for not working. and welfare is so arbitrarily given i enjoy it too even though im already enjoying the air of freedom in my house. it depends on what position you take, but i like to be alone even if the milieu of camp might be interesting, and i like the safety and serenity of my place. for now, when my neighbor hasnt started rebuilding his house, that is.
ok, time for more reading.
have been making good use of my time reading the newspaper from cover to cover. been reading it hard, read almost all the articles in all the sections except sport and classifieds. which is good. i feel a little smarter than the day before. set myself to the economist as well, and its the first time in a long while since i managed to finish an issue before the next appeared. i started reading books again. now im doing means' political islam in south east asia which is awesome. everyone who is interested in seasia should read it to get some background on transmission of religion in this region and how at one time or another the leaders of malaysia and indonesia have used and abused support from the religious quarter and how saudi arabia has been building and supporting schools that propagate its school of thought over the mishmash mixed version with Adat that seasias been all about. i regret reading it only after my interview. damns.
with whatever time i have left i have been watching television. which is good. reliving my childhood as i watch serials at all the odd timings in the day. like wolaiye is on at 11am! haha it was one of my favorite tcs serials when i was small. LOL. got in touch with my other side watching ellen degeneres. haha she is entertaining when you are bored. although a little repetitive at times. and i dont agree with her providing help to needy viewers bullcrap i think it creates the luck and handout mentality. ive got my evenings lined up. will watch whatever is nice from 8-9, usually variety shows, the noose, buffetlicious, whatever, and 9-10 i will watch cable from taiwan, which is good, and 10-11 i will watch that chU drama. havent applied myself to chU hongky dramas in a long time, but i enjoyed the past few episodes last week.
i think they missed me in camp. but this time around i made sure that i settled the stuff as best as i can. the only things i didnt do would be to bring the entrenchment tool and groundsheets up cos 4 stores is damn no deal, and climbing is difficult and i get scared when i am alone in the 42 men bunk and i have to run down cos im scared and i might trip and fall on my bad knee and i would be sweaty and have to shower cos i need to feel clean and all of this sucks cock. the stores are amazingly neat and i have given notice to whoever interested on whatever needed replacement. neat, except that the replacement would come in long later.
cant be bothered too much about those faggots. theres neither carrot for hard work nor stick for not working. and welfare is so arbitrarily given i enjoy it too even though im already enjoying the air of freedom in my house. it depends on what position you take, but i like to be alone even if the milieu of camp might be interesting, and i like the safety and serenity of my place. for now, when my neighbor hasnt started rebuilding his house, that is.
ok, time for more reading.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
it is art. it is madness. it is brilliance. it is pornography.
here i am, sitting around at home again. the aircon is not working, and it is hot and humid. it is still raining, but the sun has come out already. i really hate the weather here and i dont know why anybody will want to migrate here. i woke up late this morning from the accumulated fatigue of going to the cargo center in the wee hours of sunday before sending the junk back to plc yesterday. i hate shift work. screws up my body clock. and this kind of shit spoilt my super long weekend which stretched all the way back to wednesday before my interview.
the interview was a quirky experience. first time for me, going for a non singapore interview. for that short span of slightly over an hour i was on French soil. a plate at the entrance of the embassy at cluny reminded everyone who entered of that fact.
i was wearing a white shirt and blue tie, the same white shirt and the same blue tie that i wore for all my interviews barring that mas one, where i wore the school uniform throughout like a real cock. in typical french fashion, my interview was late so i had to sit around for a little longer than expected and the woman hostess or so she called herself tried to be nice by starting up some small talk to relieve stress. she had blonde hair but she wasnt a natural blonde as she pointed out herself. a little old probably from her habit of chainsmoking, but a nice and funny person. she wore all black which contrasted with her olivebrown mediterranean skin color. wonder how she continues to have it, even when she has been working as campus france's perm rep at newton. she talked about life, about school, about her aspirations, about her being single. lol. she was a little old, a little dry, but still tight, still attractive in a cougar way. but all these come along only after the interview because in that time when i was sitting across her my mind was fixated on summoning the planks for my platform for the interview.
my presentation was on geert wilders, which i found to be challenging enough and completely unexpected. during the preparation i found myself struggling to come to a cogent conclusion, i found myself drawn in to both sides, that of the freedom of speech and the freedom of religion especially as how the former, though in this case quite offensive is a potent protection of women rights while the latter can be offensive but remains a mainstay in many lives. i just presented lamely, but i hope i did impress them so that they may offer me a spot.
in a sense i got what i hoped for, an interview that didnt ask me about myself. i was asked about islam, militant islam and secularism in islam as well as islam and human rights, all of which consumed me thoroughly. i didnt know how to broach my ideas very well especially to a panel with 2 white women. they smiled, but i think only politely. im praying for the best.
i was completely relieved when i came out of the interview and i spent the afternoon back in bishan with shayi and stho, a completely spontaneous outing of 3 classmates lol. rj has remained quite the same beneath all the structural modifications- students still clog the library and dump their bags all over the floor, sit around in the canteen, eat from almost the same stores while discussing all sorts of ridiculous things. the prcs continue to infest the school, from the corridors to the probably optional remedial classes and from the sign up list for university talks to the deans lists located a floor below. much has changed, much has remained the same, but rjc has become ri and deep down i guess we do not belong around here anymore. teachers have left, changed and more. but at least i met ewong, my econs tutor. shes still nice.
ri has become radically different. where 3P4P once had lessons has now become some haven for vandalism. the art there just sucks and it spoils completely the look of the school. what once looked somewhat stately albeit dreary nowlooks like torn down sidepieces of the berlin wall. what view once impressed me as a p6 student standing in the atrium waiting for my turn for spelling bee now looks like shit. met yuen, who is still nice but who has become subject head. seems like 3p4p is no longer to be. no more concentration of talent in a class, and no more funn people all put together to make a funner environment. this loss is profound. and i treasure my memories a lot more.
tomorrow is my last day in camp before my surgery. i have waited for my surgery for long. it was my trump card i held close to my chest, something to punctuate the year, a comma that improved my ns life. but now that it is drawing close, i question my reasons for such dreams and i question my brashness in deciding to go for the surgery. there are damn many risks involved from infections to deep vein thrombosis. i hope i dont die yet. i think im still too young and i still have much to experience. i always feel guilty about it because im putting myself at so much risk to remove such questionable and little discomfort i get when walking. i wonder if it is worth it, if i had measured up the factors with a huge weightingon the mc i would be getting. the doctor works at mtE and has operated on a number of my moms indon clients. he is cambridge trained and i am reassured. i hope for the best to come.
will be handing over charlie to someone temporarily, which is a good thing for me. never really enjoyed working with charlie, with temperamental and stupid and lazy regulars as my superiors. charlie opened my eyes to such a possible confluence of weakness. i wont complain, just like me they too are staking out except for them it is to get as much pay as possible to support their children or their expensive habit of flying to holland, but it pains me that all this is done at the taxpayers expense. i can be considered whiner, because i see things not just for what they are but for what they should be, but i do try to change things, except it some cases i think it is not worth it. what would work for the organization would be to quarantine them so that they may not contaminate the upandcoming regulars and so that they would not be released to be scums in the corporate world. those lazy dicks, those stupid dicks.
the interview was a quirky experience. first time for me, going for a non singapore interview. for that short span of slightly over an hour i was on French soil. a plate at the entrance of the embassy at cluny reminded everyone who entered of that fact.
i was wearing a white shirt and blue tie, the same white shirt and the same blue tie that i wore for all my interviews barring that mas one, where i wore the school uniform throughout like a real cock. in typical french fashion, my interview was late so i had to sit around for a little longer than expected and the woman hostess or so she called herself tried to be nice by starting up some small talk to relieve stress. she had blonde hair but she wasnt a natural blonde as she pointed out herself. a little old probably from her habit of chainsmoking, but a nice and funny person. she wore all black which contrasted with her olivebrown mediterranean skin color. wonder how she continues to have it, even when she has been working as campus france's perm rep at newton. she talked about life, about school, about her aspirations, about her being single. lol. she was a little old, a little dry, but still tight, still attractive in a cougar way. but all these come along only after the interview because in that time when i was sitting across her my mind was fixated on summoning the planks for my platform for the interview.
my presentation was on geert wilders, which i found to be challenging enough and completely unexpected. during the preparation i found myself struggling to come to a cogent conclusion, i found myself drawn in to both sides, that of the freedom of speech and the freedom of religion especially as how the former, though in this case quite offensive is a potent protection of women rights while the latter can be offensive but remains a mainstay in many lives. i just presented lamely, but i hope i did impress them so that they may offer me a spot.
in a sense i got what i hoped for, an interview that didnt ask me about myself. i was asked about islam, militant islam and secularism in islam as well as islam and human rights, all of which consumed me thoroughly. i didnt know how to broach my ideas very well especially to a panel with 2 white women. they smiled, but i think only politely. im praying for the best.
i was completely relieved when i came out of the interview and i spent the afternoon back in bishan with shayi and stho, a completely spontaneous outing of 3 classmates lol. rj has remained quite the same beneath all the structural modifications- students still clog the library and dump their bags all over the floor, sit around in the canteen, eat from almost the same stores while discussing all sorts of ridiculous things. the prcs continue to infest the school, from the corridors to the probably optional remedial classes and from the sign up list for university talks to the deans lists located a floor below. much has changed, much has remained the same, but rjc has become ri and deep down i guess we do not belong around here anymore. teachers have left, changed and more. but at least i met ewong, my econs tutor. shes still nice.
ri has become radically different. where 3P4P once had lessons has now become some haven for vandalism. the art there just sucks and it spoils completely the look of the school. what once looked somewhat stately albeit dreary nowlooks like torn down sidepieces of the berlin wall. what view once impressed me as a p6 student standing in the atrium waiting for my turn for spelling bee now looks like shit. met yuen, who is still nice but who has become subject head. seems like 3p4p is no longer to be. no more concentration of talent in a class, and no more funn people all put together to make a funner environment. this loss is profound. and i treasure my memories a lot more.
tomorrow is my last day in camp before my surgery. i have waited for my surgery for long. it was my trump card i held close to my chest, something to punctuate the year, a comma that improved my ns life. but now that it is drawing close, i question my reasons for such dreams and i question my brashness in deciding to go for the surgery. there are damn many risks involved from infections to deep vein thrombosis. i hope i dont die yet. i think im still too young and i still have much to experience. i always feel guilty about it because im putting myself at so much risk to remove such questionable and little discomfort i get when walking. i wonder if it is worth it, if i had measured up the factors with a huge weightingon the mc i would be getting. the doctor works at mtE and has operated on a number of my moms indon clients. he is cambridge trained and i am reassured. i hope for the best to come.
will be handing over charlie to someone temporarily, which is a good thing for me. never really enjoyed working with charlie, with temperamental and stupid and lazy regulars as my superiors. charlie opened my eyes to such a possible confluence of weakness. i wont complain, just like me they too are staking out except for them it is to get as much pay as possible to support their children or their expensive habit of flying to holland, but it pains me that all this is done at the taxpayers expense. i can be considered whiner, because i see things not just for what they are but for what they should be, but i do try to change things, except it some cases i think it is not worth it. what would work for the organization would be to quarantine them so that they may not contaminate the upandcoming regulars and so that they would not be released to be scums in the corporate world. those lazy dicks, those stupid dicks.
Monday, May 24, 2010
Monday, May 17, 2010
Chanel no. 666
mon voisin a un chien. c'est un shih tzu. je l'appelle La Joconde, comme la peinture dans Le Louvre a Paris. tous les jours, quand je rentrais chez moi, il s'assayait dans le jardin et me voyait. Ses yeux ne me partait pas jusqu'a j'entrais ma porte. il s'assayait et me voyait il y a six ans, depuis ma famille a retourne habiter a cette maison.
le francais est tres difficile, mais j'essaie. je dois essayer, ou je mourirai par le fin de l'annee.
L'entretien pour admission a Sciences Po sera jeudi prochain, et je suis inquiet. a ce moment la, je ne sais rien seulement que je ne sais rien. je n'ai pas comprene ce que zhenan m'a dit sur l'economie grec et l'etat de l'EU en general. Il n'y a pas assez de temps pour me reviser les lecons, et j'aurai besoin de parler en francais pour l'entretien. c'est mal. je souhaiterais que je reussie a cette fois, la premier fois. ou je creuserai un trou dans la terre et y entrerai ma tete.
le francais est tres difficile, mais j'essaie. je dois essayer, ou je mourirai par le fin de l'annee.
L'entretien pour admission a Sciences Po sera jeudi prochain, et je suis inquiet. a ce moment la, je ne sais rien seulement que je ne sais rien. je n'ai pas comprene ce que zhenan m'a dit sur l'economie grec et l'etat de l'EU en general. Il n'y a pas assez de temps pour me reviser les lecons, et j'aurai besoin de parler en francais pour l'entretien. c'est mal. je souhaiterais que je reussie a cette fois, la premier fois. ou je creuserai un trou dans la terre et y entrerai ma tete.
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