i was shocked

when i saw my sec 1 student crying in the canteen. he thinks he will probably fail his math CA. well, im not sure why he did not do well. to me, he s rather a hard-working boy for his age. but it does make me think about the pressure the students are facing right now and the days when i was in school.

i tried to comfort him, i got him tissue and a drink and kept telling him that it is gonna be ok. the test will not have a significant impact on his overall CA score. but he said he's still sad that he will fail this test. suddenly all my reasons seemed powerless and illogical. true enough, there is nothing that we can do after the test, the score will not be changed. when i tell my friends that im worried about my Alevel results, i was in the position of my student. i could feel the pain and helplessness one gets while waiting for exam results which he or she did not do well in.

for me, it is just something that i gotta to learn to accept. 2 months of working taught me that the ability to suck it up and to face reality in life is an essential skill to survive. i hate my current job. but it does provide me with the best deal. the opportunity cost of giving up this job now is just too high to afford. so im learning to embrace the moment trapped in my cubicle in the staff room, typing documents which i think are doing no help to the students at all. doing stuff that u do not enjoy doing can be really torturing. so when there is no one around me, i pick up my "games of strategy" and read, i play my stupid ipod games, i go wikipedia and read random articles, i walk to the canteen and chat with my ex-students, i take a tour to the school library to search for interesting books.

but it took me so many years to realize exams are just a part of my whole life, but not the other way around. how can i expect a sec 1 boy to understand that? guess these exams are just designed to wake them up from the carefree life after PSLE. even in that case, isn't it coming too harsh on them?

today the science HOD ask me whether i hav been enjoying myself working. i told her the truth: i hate my current job but i love teaching in the classroom. so when she learned i am invited to apply for some MOE scholarship, she said that i should take it. that is what a lot of people have been suggesting to me as well. but let me just be clear. i will not be a teacher. and the only reason im enjoying myself in the classroom now is just that it reminds me so much of my student life. and i only relief short term for each teacher and class. i dun really need to worry whether the class is progressing. but if i were a permanent teacher, i will be really harsh on the students to ensure they perform. maybe then it will not be as fun as it is now..

i am just bored. so i blogged. i dun see my students as kids, i treat them as friends, i told them what i really think (but in a version that contains less vulgarities) i hope they can do well in their CAs.

good luck yik ming. (he will not read it but still, send my regards)