i see an alien in the mirror

when one takes, one also has to give,
and when one gives, one also has to take.

booked out from camp at 8+ for my knee appointment at mtE. on my agenda: to get a letter to my MO on the severity of my meniscus tear and get an MC for the day so that i can escape from camp. easily done. all that was required was some audacity and persuasion. because its a private clinic in a private hospital where money talks. thats why i like mtE. i like to make money work for me. especially when the money isnt mine.

with my mc and specialist memo safely kept in my assault bag i headed out for orchard, spring in step. shiok. free off day to slack. i needed some quality rest too, since ive been slogging away the week answering every beck and call of my demanding and dumb superior on top of doing 2 duties and not taking the guard rest. heck, anyway, why was i the only cq that wasnt given an off day? is it my fault that my storeman got beat up and put in a cast and my 2nd armskoteman has gone awol? the pile of work needing attention was stupid. i didnt deserve to do it, no one did. some stupid initiative of some stupid people. let them eat grass. anyway ive already done better than the others so far, fixing 10 ilbvs all by myself. the next best got 10 fixed too, but with 3 storemen. the rest didnt even get past 1.

of course this opportunity to relieve myself of the pent up angst was much appreciated. as my dumb boss liked to say, we are a team and we have to cover for each other. when we ask you to help us, its because we need help and so as a teamplayer you should help us. ok, fine, if you consider getting me to do your work as teamwork. for some reason, when my storemen are all gone, i find myself all alone because some cockster had gone running during office hours. lets see how you handle monday like a teamplayer when i go for my dental.

thanks, by the way, for being stupid and insensitive, telling everyone that you wont stop the sickly me from going for any medical appointment for any of my whole plethora of medical problems any time in front of almost everyone. and thanks for having too much pride to just ask if i can postpone the appointment. you didnt have to stand by your word, i would have shifted it if only you asked politely.

i basked in the satisfaction of my impeccable reasoning and in the newfound air of self righteousness. but not for very long. disgust started to set in. if some part of me didnt think the actions wrong, why did i, or my ego, have to cock up such a story or defense? i dont think many or even any in camp will bother rousing it, since theyve already tested my mettle and known my capacity for talking till the cow comes home. on top of the seeming clarity of all my bad arguments.

troubling. ever since i confirmed my needsblindbondedfinancialaid and gotten to sispec, this deep dark side has been raring its head more and more, and i think now has come to almost completely control me. escapism has completely devoured me, my whole can-do spirit. skepticism has morphed into cynicism. slacking is no longer a sideshow but my way of life. i have been so consumed, become so sickly, so alien, so repulsive.

i need dinner.