ma vie

there is much to learn when on hospitalization leave. hospitalization is really quite long, and after the first week or so, quite pleasurable, because hurting your sore spot takes conscious effort and there really isnt much normal range of activity that is unachievable. in my case now, i can walk about without much discernable limp but i cannot run, which is just fine, because i live in a small house with no garden maze. in a nutshell the quality of life is quite high, especially when compared with the life you would otherwise be leading.

waking up for numerous consecutive days with natural light streaming in is something i have not experienced in years. when i stayed in, reveille was invariably before 0600, and because singapore shifted the time to keep consistent with malaysia, it is never even close to sunrise. i remember it is wayy before standto time. now that i stay out, i get up by 0630 to make it to camp on time. which was about the time i arose while studying all the way in bishan. weekends, i usually do not get to wake up naturally because my parents are about and i need to go out with them to run errands and stuff. its only now when theres no one to bother me that i can so fully indulge myself.

the past fortnight i have awoken between 0800 and 1000 every morning, with the sunlight streaming in through the frosted windows, bathing everything in a nice warm shade that reminds me of hash brown. its great to start the day thinking of food. hmm. lingering in bed for that little while is so divine. before this indulgence, i never truly appreciated the smoothness of the false ceiling, the perfect curvature of the light cover and the way curves and points come together to make the cornices beautiful. and the fact that i can actually see all of these without my glasses, which have been an almost inseparable part of me since i started schooling. it is these little things that make life more pleasant and the world more liveable.

there comes a stage, like now, when reading ceases to be a joy. i make it a point to read daily to keep weevils from attacking my brain. and its a chore. after the papers and a chapter or so of the leviathan, i get sick of reading. the words are quite too small and the language too difficult. the writers are too verbose in a time when attention spans are as short as japanese penises. it is difficult to understand what motivates the journalists to substitute long, unwieldly, multi-part sentences for short, stubby and easily understandable ones. and i hate how facts and figures are scattered through out articles without discernable purpose. and it sickens me that my mind has become such a porous sieve that i cant hold the numbers in for long. my mind is weak.

i used to enjoy reading but now i just prefer daydreaming. it is easier. i choose my hobbies by what provided entertainment that demanded minimal effort and i settled on reading relatively easily. my parents sent me for music lessons when i was young. it was the 'in' thing then, just like getting fetuses listen to mozart was the 'in' thing just 2 years ago. they sent me to yamaha, in clementi central, near where i stayed at that time. it was unpleasant. i remember it was a class of 20 odd kids who were mostly older than me and the teacher sucked at english at a time when i sucked at chinese so most of the time i had no idea what was going on in class. one would expect music teachers to be pleasant people with mild temper, but this was one crazy bitch perenially on heat. she would go up to everyone and ask them why they hadnt practised enough, and in my case why i didnt practise at all. at that time i didnt have an electone yet, but it wouldnt have made a difference because i believed then as i believe now that it was such a chore for me to play the piano, i should just earn some money and pay people toplay it for me if i ever became crazy for music. and i couldnt sightread then just as i cannot sightread now. the 2 bars make me confused. on top of it yamaha smelt like piss. so i couldnt stand that place. i did so badly in one of the tests that i didnt even get my name on the result rolls. then i quit happily. i have never been good at music, and i cannot play the piano, the guitar or even the humble recorder.

unlike most boys my age i dont play computer games, save a few like bejeweled blitz and minesweeper flag to kill time. the computergame bug bit most people when i was in lower primary but i was immune to it because i didnt owna computer until primary 4 and i didnt have internet access until about primary 5. so i started late at neopets, a game which has an important place in my heart until today even though i sucked so bad at it it took me about 2 years to make 1million neopoints and soon after my account got frozen for some ridiculous reason. but i didnt breathe neopets like the rest of them because i was busying myself reading erotica online, which i accidentally found while doing legit research.

anyway my first trip to a lan shop happened when i was sec 3, when i went there with my class. i got killed so quickly and so often by those unkind people that i got sick. but that didnt stop me from going to lan with them again, and again, and again, but lanning was for me more of a social thing than a thing i really enjoy doing. and for a period i did play gunbound, again later than most, but after that my laptop fried and i have never played since. anyway losing pisses me off so i dont see how it can be leisurely doing something that pisses me off.

i dont play sports because i was asthmatic and i didnt like to get dirty. nan hua was a horrible school with a horrible field that was waterlogged at least half the year maybe because the principal was planting rice in an effort to save money on dinner so she can buy more koi for the school pond. anyway recess was usually 30mins long and the teachers never release the students on time and the students have to gather back 5 mins to the end of recess so you have time to get dirty but no time for the fun.

ok thats an exaggeration because there was capteh, but with my poor psychomotor skills i was really not good at it. for one period they allowed us to play on the assembly area, which was made of composite incinerated rubbish. we kicked pet drink bottles about, but then they banned playing with rubbish and then they banned running on the assembly area because the ground was real rough and when you fell you would get n*raw skin all over. and the school was too pathetic to teach you to be man about your injuries and too pathetic to get a school nurse to clean your damned wounds.

i played chinese chess a lot, but then most of my friends sucked at it after losing 4 or 5 times they went back to capteh. or 5 stones. or hopscotch wtf. but i played chinese chess a lot in ri and the memories of transfer chess in 3p4p still brings a smile to my face. we used to play until quite late on the days when we were free, i remember those halcyon days.

but one cannot count on activities that require the participation of others, especially since my brother was usually at tuition or school or in camp when i was free after school. tv programs used to suck a lot in the afternoon, because i have no cable and people too poor for cable dont deserve quality programs in the afternoon. i enjoyed art attack, mr men show, tmnt reruns and dragonland, but little more. anything else would probably be shit.

so i read, since books were free. at that time we were still too poor to subscribe to the newspaper, but it wasnt much harm since the newspapers quite rubbish too. i guess i have boredom to thank for me reading the tale of two cities and introduction to corporate law and romance of the 3 kingdoms and water margin in primary school. and i have reading to thank that i had a functional command of english even though i came from a school where even the principal had problem spelling and thought that the spellcheck function was cheating her.

i read quite voraciously before i got addicted to some other entertainment from which i could derive more instant pleasure. but i still read, mostly nonfiction because i became interested in things that actually happen instead of the imagination of others, since i can also imagine damn well myself. i am always imagining things and my dreams are always so lucid.

but now i have become a little sick of reading already. i dont know what is happening to me.

odyssey

sometimes, like now, i get headaches so bad i need to get my hands on a chainsaw, split open my skull and find out the problem that lies within. maybe it was the alcohol overload from friday. for some curious reason i didnt get flushed or rashes, but i have had this floaty feeling in my head all day. this is worrying. im supposed to like all things french... tough. my friends in medicine say that there are no nerve endings in the brain, so why do i feel the pain? maybe its from someplace else but the pain seems to be radiating from within the skull. and paracetamol and sleep only do that much. the pain just comes and comes again. sick.

maybe i need to do something to get my blood moving about. i havent really moved much since my friday appointment. which is tough. my knee is about fine now, except i cant flex it more than pi/2 radians. ive been walking a bit, but excessive walking increases inflammation. my knee is already swollen. damns. i try to move my upper body more, but i get lazy quickly.

maybe i lack sunlight. i need more sunlight for vitamin d. but ive been living like a vampire and i avoid the sun like a plague. i dont like feeling sunburnt and whenever i stay in the sun for too long i get bad migraines. under the midday sun, on an average day, too long is about 10mins. which isnt very long. and i dont want to get skin cancer. im on tretinoin. maybe i will get some sunlight tomorrow morning. when the rays seem gentler.

but by the time i wake up it is about 930, then i will laze around, catch up where i left off the night before on theleviathan or something, channel surf and fall on ellen and then i get captivated by it so much that by the time i switch of the aircon and take a bath and walk downstairs to get the papers and take some pills it is already almost noon. and then the sun would be beating down so bad only those laborers would dare to stand outside the shade. sometimes it is so damned hot i can even feel the heat wave wafting about me.

even worse, since i am home along, save the maid, i will be having lunch alone and when i have lunch alone, i have it in front of the tv. and at lunch time they play some Ask the Doctors show. and then there are all sorts of people with all sorts of problems coming on tv to ask these doctors about all sorts of problems, from hpv, to genital warts, to infertility to hairiness to balding and whatever comes in between and obesity and cancer and the like. then i feel like i exhibit all the symptoms of some problem and then i get a little worried about it. i dismiss it like i dismiss the results of stupid facebook quizzes, because these results are so damned general theres a 50% chance one will fit in 80% of the time. im good at statistics.

then after lunch, instead of joining an orgy inside the yellow box to enjoy a smoke like those buggers in camp, i trudge up and switch on my computer and check my email. before i even get to reading some intellectual stuffs by sowden facebook loads and i engage in what has become my latest hobby of facebook stalking. theres always something new for at least the first hour or so, since i have many friends who get public with their lives to satisfy the perverse cravings of people like me. i like how its university orientation now and there are so many photoalbums that are worthy of close examination. some girls are actually really really hot!

soon i finish up with all the links from the feeds. and out of guilt i read some emails, shoot off some emails to my liaison officer to show that im actually deserving of some taxpayers money. then im back on facebook. you know how facebook is full of timesapping games like farmville or hotel city? i dont play a single one. because my computer sucks the graphics always lag. and my friends are way ahead of the curve i dont like to play catch up. i hate sucking even at games, and i hate how facebook ranks friends so everyone of my 510 friends can see that im a noob if they go onto the game. but restraint fails where bejeweled blitz begins. it is a fun game, if quite retarded. it strains my eyes, tires me out, so that by 4pm i find myself on the bed again, staring into the ceiling.

all along the side, i am chatting with friends on msn. i like to chat with friends on msn. because at least i still have friends and they are kind enough to humor me by sustaining the conversation. and sometimes we discuss important global issues like politicization of religion and womens place in society. real important stuffs that would confront probable future policymakers like me. after i am done carrying bags, of course. most of the time we just discuss about chiobus and fantasize about stuffs. it is pleasurable, and it makes my days pass better and faster.

of course i also watch stupid videos, funny videos and the like on youtube and other freesites. i dont watch movies cos the screen is small and i lose focus quickly. and of course my internet sucks so streaming is intermittent. it pisses me off when videos stop but i resist my temptation to slam the router into the cupboards across the room. it wont do any good, because routers dont become better through tough love like those korean schoolgirls, and the cupboards are quite far away across the room and i dont want to cause any collateral damage to the photframes that lie along the way. by the way the router was designed to look like a stingray and it looks like it is smiling at me. and that pisses me off sometimes.

on the subject of koreans. i think they are hot. i think i should also do a summer program in korea. ok, moving on, by the time i am done with meddling with stuff darkness falls. it gets quite dark around here because the streetlamps arent very bright and my neighborhood is probably full of gangland chiefs, white collar criminals and mistresses who go all out to protect their privacy their curtains are never drawn so no light streams onto the damned road. i am not like that. i keep my curtains drawn to ventilate the room because my aircon is spoilt and since everyone is minding his own business no one is going to mind mine. im not lady godiva riding naked through the streets anyway. which is good.

my parents work till late and i make it a point to have dinner with them. since i am home anyway. so after dinner we watch television, again and i watch and watch and watch. show after show after show. then i come online to disturb people again. at about 1130 i switch off the computer and try to sleep. but since ive already slept so much and i have not exhausted myself, physically or mentally, i cannot sleep. so i watch myself some tv until past midnight sometimes, and then i fall asleep.

and then the vicious circle starts again the next morning, except sometimes i wake up with a bad headache. sometimes, like now...

those old men

when i grow old and lose my hair,
will i still be sprightly,
own a suit and be able to tie my own tie,
feed myself gracefully with chopsticks,
and talk
and recognize my friends?

only time knows.

the way those old men can go through the obituaries nonchalantly and point out their friends,
is heartwrenching.

more so when you knew these old men.

some girls are just so hot

at taka

islands in the stream

that is what we are.

fly away with me.
to another world.

time's a passing.

imagine a world

where chiobus grow on trees like fruits.
and they are sold at $1 a piece.
and you can have as many as you want.

maybe you can even buy the chiobu tree.
and rear the kind of chiobu you want.

hmm.

slacking is good

ah