when one takes, one also has to give,
and when one gives, one also has to take.
booked out from camp at 8+ for my knee appointment at mtE. on my agenda: to get a letter to my MO on the severity of my meniscus tear and get an MC for the day so that i can escape from camp. easily done. all that was required was some audacity and persuasion. because its a private clinic in a private hospital where money talks. thats why i like mtE. i like to make money work for me. especially when the money isnt mine.
with my mc and specialist memo safely kept in my assault bag i headed out for orchard, spring in step. shiok. free off day to slack. i needed some quality rest too, since ive been slogging away the week answering every beck and call of my demanding and dumb superior on top of doing 2 duties and not taking the guard rest. heck, anyway, why was i the only cq that wasnt given an off day? is it my fault that my storeman got beat up and put in a cast and my 2nd armskoteman has gone awol? the pile of work needing attention was stupid. i didnt deserve to do it, no one did. some stupid initiative of some stupid people. let them eat grass. anyway ive already done better than the others so far, fixing 10 ilbvs all by myself. the next best got 10 fixed too, but with 3 storemen. the rest didnt even get past 1.
of course this opportunity to relieve myself of the pent up angst was much appreciated. as my dumb boss liked to say, we are a team and we have to cover for each other. when we ask you to help us, its because we need help and so as a teamplayer you should help us. ok, fine, if you consider getting me to do your work as teamwork. for some reason, when my storemen are all gone, i find myself all alone because some cockster had gone running during office hours. lets see how you handle monday like a teamplayer when i go for my dental.
thanks, by the way, for being stupid and insensitive, telling everyone that you wont stop the sickly me from going for any medical appointment for any of my whole plethora of medical problems any time in front of almost everyone. and thanks for having too much pride to just ask if i can postpone the appointment. you didnt have to stand by your word, i would have shifted it if only you asked politely.
i basked in the satisfaction of my impeccable reasoning and in the newfound air of self righteousness. but not for very long. disgust started to set in. if some part of me didnt think the actions wrong, why did i, or my ego, have to cock up such a story or defense? i dont think many or even any in camp will bother rousing it, since theyve already tested my mettle and known my capacity for talking till the cow comes home. on top of the seeming clarity of all my bad arguments.
troubling. ever since i confirmed my needsblindbondedfinancialaid and gotten to sispec, this deep dark side has been raring its head more and more, and i think now has come to almost completely control me. escapism has completely devoured me, my whole can-do spirit. skepticism has morphed into cynicism. slacking is no longer a sideshow but my way of life. i have been so consumed, become so sickly, so alien, so repulsive.
i need dinner.
Friday, March 19, 2010
Wednesday, March 17, 2010
stream of unconsciousness
it's been a long time since the last post. many things have happened in the intermittent period. i like february. i like chinese new year. not because of chingchongchinapek pride, but the food, the drinks, the angpows. mostly the angpows. this year, as last, and as the year before last, i spent valentines day without a valentine.
how depressing. at the cusp of adulthood already.
as i type, my ord counter is running. 9 months to my ord and i am so happy. they say time passes quicker in your second year in the army, but for me, time is moving slow as a snail. im getting sick of the camp, this camp i once used to see as a little secret heaven. maybe its because this place is quite good so any change is for the worse.
been in charlie for a while now. finally got my promotion to 3sg, backdated to 12122009. i used to spit on supply, just like most combatants would. even during the course, most of us dropouts divided our time between spitting on regulars and spitting on supply. to be more objective, supply per se isnt any tough work. its the combatants you are attached to that can give you headache. even hell.
not least because they spit on supply. while they go out to chiong sua, you just stay behind and chaokeng, or so they think. and they are mostly right, especially in here. most of us spend most of the time in camp in the messes or the business center. no secret.
then they think that you are their saigang warrior, their personal squire and their expendable. they ask for things without thinking, as if cla is the solution to all problems. every few days they will tell you to go draw this, draw that, in bits and pieces and without following the proper channel. when cla doesnt have it, as is the case for all the exotic equipment they can ever think of wanting, they blame you, for not thinking ahead and the like. hello, im so sorry i couldnt divine into the future that you would need to draw an **** yourself but was too stupid to read your email so you didnt know that you were supposed to draw it yourself on open day, when they had a lesson to teach you how to fix it yourself? sorry i forgot that i have been paid 740 of taxpayers monies to be your squire.
of course, you are expected to be a cleaner. in all fairness, we should be cleaning the stores ourselves in periodic maintenance. yes, the load can be lessened by skillful archery. which is extremely tough, because the targets are lucid and move quickly, from the years of experience they had as nsfs. the nsmen are well-trained in this business of dodging.
even then, some of the expectations are ridiculous. coiling without twists? almost sandless field equipment? i am always tempted to ask them if they can demonstrate. but of course i wont.
and then since you are too free and too talented because you happened to be on some meritbasedbondedfinancialaid, you also get the dubious honor of doing up posters of events long past that nobody is going to look at. maybe except in the annex of "stupid initiatives that show my initiative and passion, however misguided, so please promote me and pay me more". and then they say its a good deal, because they will treat you to lunch. at the mess. hi, im quite satisfied with cookhouse food, which i think is nice and decently balanced. they dont seem to realize that as someone on meritbasedbondedfinancialaid, i am drawn towards the top of marslows hierarchy. i hunger for freedom, not food. and anyways off wont cost them anything tangible, unless they consider my presence in camp on a free day whiling time away at the pool table as something tangible. oh, and since you are so clever, use these croc clips to fix the tripflare igniters. i said, i dont know how, since most of the time elsewhere we condemn this shit, and he spits, whoa, a level so many As also no use. i just handed over a sample to him to show me how. its been a week. the igniter and the crocodile clip havent found each other.
they take you as their punching bag, figuratively of course. after getting their ego deflated and their figurative nose bloodied, probably from getting selfowned by suggesting stupid ideas and then getting arrowed to do them. if you remember red cliff, these regulars are more like zhugeliangs strawmen than the valiant soldiers. they attract so many arrows. then they downsteam, subcontract or call it teamwork and get you to do it. so they can claim the credit and then just give you a coke. i dont work for coke, unless its white, powdery and the finest from colombia. anyway coke is american and fattening. and not something i crave. my drink of choice is milo-peng, stirred not shaken, with a straw. but thats beside the point.
of late, wordplay is the fad among the regulars. or should i say wordplay is BOOMZ. so they say the 'c' in css stands for combat, so all of you are combatants first. sure we are. combatants who get no combat pay and who will probably be limping around or have difficulty breathing or something. the very fact we are here points to something being wrong with us. im not saying that we should be getting combat pay, because evidently we are too slack to deserve any, but please stop making us do stupid things like be enemy simulators or something dumb. and please, stop calling the penis the third leg, just because it springs from the groin, just like you dont call your asshole your secondmouth because it is a gaping hole as well. and i get cramps from humoring you guys by trying to chuckle.
in the same vein, S is for Specialist and S is for babySitter. your storeman goes out to a fight and they ask you why he goes out to fight. your storeman takes mc and then they ask you why is he so morbidly ill all the time. how on earth am i to know? how on earth can i care? if i was asked about their status, mc duration, sickness and the like, i think it is fair. but to ask me about their constitution and to ask me about their attitude is really quite ridiculous. then they always say that even though i am a supervisor, i need to help the men too, just as superiors should all help subordinates. i do that, and often and my storemen have vouched for me. as my encik i dont remember him helping, except with his mouth, saying, this is not good, that is not good. i see even captains helping to oil and arrange pickets, getting sweaty and dirty. i see him too, sweaty from running during working hours. not saying its wrong, but it indicates that someone is too free huh. maybe its the seafood he has that places him wayyy up there together with the long beach people.
to top it all off, selfesteem is what they have and you dont, and respect is something they deserve and you dont. they like to tell people that their cqs arent that good, cant do things properly and the like. we know its not completely true, because most of the time we arent the ones screwing up. they are. and that one time i ever questioned a decision because it was so ridiculous, like getting my storeman outfield to tloan some stupid stopwatches, some encik says i 'langa' him. of course i couldnt resist embarrassing him in front of my fellow cqms and the officers by telling them how i 'langa-ed' him. haha.
im just grouchy because its 0430 and i havent had enough sleep. thinking of having to do all the shit later in the day is making me pissed off, not least because all my storemn are injured and i have to anchor the rubbish.
french this evening to make my day.
how depressing. at the cusp of adulthood already.
as i type, my ord counter is running. 9 months to my ord and i am so happy. they say time passes quicker in your second year in the army, but for me, time is moving slow as a snail. im getting sick of the camp, this camp i once used to see as a little secret heaven. maybe its because this place is quite good so any change is for the worse.
been in charlie for a while now. finally got my promotion to 3sg, backdated to 12122009. i used to spit on supply, just like most combatants would. even during the course, most of us dropouts divided our time between spitting on regulars and spitting on supply. to be more objective, supply per se isnt any tough work. its the combatants you are attached to that can give you headache. even hell.
not least because they spit on supply. while they go out to chiong sua, you just stay behind and chaokeng, or so they think. and they are mostly right, especially in here. most of us spend most of the time in camp in the messes or the business center. no secret.
then they think that you are their saigang warrior, their personal squire and their expendable. they ask for things without thinking, as if cla is the solution to all problems. every few days they will tell you to go draw this, draw that, in bits and pieces and without following the proper channel. when cla doesnt have it, as is the case for all the exotic equipment they can ever think of wanting, they blame you, for not thinking ahead and the like. hello, im so sorry i couldnt divine into the future that you would need to draw an **** yourself but was too stupid to read your email so you didnt know that you were supposed to draw it yourself on open day, when they had a lesson to teach you how to fix it yourself? sorry i forgot that i have been paid 740 of taxpayers monies to be your squire.
of course, you are expected to be a cleaner. in all fairness, we should be cleaning the stores ourselves in periodic maintenance. yes, the load can be lessened by skillful archery. which is extremely tough, because the targets are lucid and move quickly, from the years of experience they had as nsfs. the nsmen are well-trained in this business of dodging.
even then, some of the expectations are ridiculous. coiling without twists? almost sandless field equipment? i am always tempted to ask them if they can demonstrate. but of course i wont.
and then since you are too free and too talented because you happened to be on some meritbasedbondedfinancialaid, you also get the dubious honor of doing up posters of events long past that nobody is going to look at. maybe except in the annex of "stupid initiatives that show my initiative and passion, however misguided, so please promote me and pay me more". and then they say its a good deal, because they will treat you to lunch. at the mess. hi, im quite satisfied with cookhouse food, which i think is nice and decently balanced. they dont seem to realize that as someone on meritbasedbondedfinancialaid, i am drawn towards the top of marslows hierarchy. i hunger for freedom, not food. and anyways off wont cost them anything tangible, unless they consider my presence in camp on a free day whiling time away at the pool table as something tangible. oh, and since you are so clever, use these croc clips to fix the tripflare igniters. i said, i dont know how, since most of the time elsewhere we condemn this shit, and he spits, whoa, a level so many As also no use. i just handed over a sample to him to show me how. its been a week. the igniter and the crocodile clip havent found each other.
they take you as their punching bag, figuratively of course. after getting their ego deflated and their figurative nose bloodied, probably from getting selfowned by suggesting stupid ideas and then getting arrowed to do them. if you remember red cliff, these regulars are more like zhugeliangs strawmen than the valiant soldiers. they attract so many arrows. then they downsteam, subcontract or call it teamwork and get you to do it. so they can claim the credit and then just give you a coke. i dont work for coke, unless its white, powdery and the finest from colombia. anyway coke is american and fattening. and not something i crave. my drink of choice is milo-peng, stirred not shaken, with a straw. but thats beside the point.
of late, wordplay is the fad among the regulars. or should i say wordplay is BOOMZ. so they say the 'c' in css stands for combat, so all of you are combatants first. sure we are. combatants who get no combat pay and who will probably be limping around or have difficulty breathing or something. the very fact we are here points to something being wrong with us. im not saying that we should be getting combat pay, because evidently we are too slack to deserve any, but please stop making us do stupid things like be enemy simulators or something dumb. and please, stop calling the penis the third leg, just because it springs from the groin, just like you dont call your asshole your secondmouth because it is a gaping hole as well. and i get cramps from humoring you guys by trying to chuckle.
in the same vein, S is for Specialist and S is for babySitter. your storeman goes out to a fight and they ask you why he goes out to fight. your storeman takes mc and then they ask you why is he so morbidly ill all the time. how on earth am i to know? how on earth can i care? if i was asked about their status, mc duration, sickness and the like, i think it is fair. but to ask me about their constitution and to ask me about their attitude is really quite ridiculous. then they always say that even though i am a supervisor, i need to help the men too, just as superiors should all help subordinates. i do that, and often and my storemen have vouched for me. as my encik i dont remember him helping, except with his mouth, saying, this is not good, that is not good. i see even captains helping to oil and arrange pickets, getting sweaty and dirty. i see him too, sweaty from running during working hours. not saying its wrong, but it indicates that someone is too free huh. maybe its the seafood he has that places him wayyy up there together with the long beach people.
to top it all off, selfesteem is what they have and you dont, and respect is something they deserve and you dont. they like to tell people that their cqs arent that good, cant do things properly and the like. we know its not completely true, because most of the time we arent the ones screwing up. they are. and that one time i ever questioned a decision because it was so ridiculous, like getting my storeman outfield to tloan some stupid stopwatches, some encik says i 'langa' him. of course i couldnt resist embarrassing him in front of my fellow cqms and the officers by telling them how i 'langa-ed' him. haha.
im just grouchy because its 0430 and i havent had enough sleep. thinking of having to do all the shit later in the day is making me pissed off, not least because all my storemn are injured and i have to anchor the rubbish.
french this evening to make my day.
Tuesday, February 2, 2010
crows
i don't blog much nowadays, because rarely am i in a pensive or moody state. i blog most when i need to vent my frustration. like now. it is a tuesday evening, the sky is quite clear, the moon is shining quite brightly.
the fire alarm is spoilt, its beeping incessantly and i no longer get gratified by getting off my ass to turn it off. the random message comes along, that i dont comprehend and i dont care much for. feel like turning the set off, but my sense of duty prevents me.
yes. i am the understudy, and the first understudy to stay in since the time of the previous ism.
wtf.
yes, this is how suay i am. sort of had some augur of this- a family of crows flew overhead and cawed, momentarily ending my enjoyment of the serenity and the morning breeze. i am not one superstitious guy, but i see signs in everything. i might not outwardly profess any religion or belief, but i believe in a supreme being and a force greater than the human spirit that can and have effected many positives and negatives.
anyway, i try to console myself, that it is alright for me to stayover. as a groundbreaker and all. yes, it is true, as the stand in said, that i would not learn anything about duty if i stayed just for hoto. but he did not realize that i wont know and i will not care much or even at all. there are screw ups and there are screw ups, and most of the time those i can handle i already know how to, and those i cannot handle i probably would be referring to the comd or doo. those personal problems the guards face are not something i would care about. im a cq, not a counsellor. i will do my best and i will try to be as nice as possible, but i think little more.
i thought the rsm was being ridiculous and i did breach to him that i had no intention to stay over and of coursei pointed to him that from precedent understudies do not stayover, but i figured after his first rebuttal that God is Great that any resistance is going to be futile. the one thing that impresses me most about him and many regular wos is their doggedness that they are right and that some simplistic statement that they take as a universal primary premise like God is Great is going to solve all problems. because it wont solve anything. it just destroys all argument with its monolithic stupidity. but it doesnt matter, because they have never been quite concerned with logic. heck, the fact that they even humor you by asking you some stupid questions is beyond expectation. apart from the fact that they dont care about your answer, they dont actually have to care, because they are regulars and they have rank. you are just a puny cq for them to do. you earn about 500 a month to do stuff, but they earn "5000 to do nothing" i quote verbatim. he views himself as the troubleshooter, one who standsby until something goes awry and then he steps in. he views himself as the big tool, the one you turn to as the last resort. so most of the day to day things do not require him, especially in this camp, when day to day work involves catching some storemen to oil some cans and other assorted nonsense to carry balls thats not going to impact productivity, serviceability or anything that the saf hopes to stand for.
i sat in the office with him as he briefed me complete nonsense, things anyone who even considers himself human would have already picked up, interspersed by proclamations of God is Great! and the like. i smiled to myself halfway through, as in the angst i realized how taxpayers keep them employed and paid them so much. the consumer surplus, if these wo were commodities would be so massive, because the next best alternative job for them is going to be worth close to zero. ok, lets not be so mean, maybe they would be worth the taxi driver or the ops manager you see about town. baah. not that they are not contributive members of society, but the value they add is going to be so limited they cannot draw 5k and get to scold people and randomly give absurd advice to people who try to lap all of it up. bullshit.
hah.
the fire alarm is spoilt, its beeping incessantly and i no longer get gratified by getting off my ass to turn it off. the random message comes along, that i dont comprehend and i dont care much for. feel like turning the set off, but my sense of duty prevents me.
yes. i am the understudy, and the first understudy to stay in since the time of the previous ism.
wtf.
yes, this is how suay i am. sort of had some augur of this- a family of crows flew overhead and cawed, momentarily ending my enjoyment of the serenity and the morning breeze. i am not one superstitious guy, but i see signs in everything. i might not outwardly profess any religion or belief, but i believe in a supreme being and a force greater than the human spirit that can and have effected many positives and negatives.
anyway, i try to console myself, that it is alright for me to stayover. as a groundbreaker and all. yes, it is true, as the stand in said, that i would not learn anything about duty if i stayed just for hoto. but he did not realize that i wont know and i will not care much or even at all. there are screw ups and there are screw ups, and most of the time those i can handle i already know how to, and those i cannot handle i probably would be referring to the comd or doo. those personal problems the guards face are not something i would care about. im a cq, not a counsellor. i will do my best and i will try to be as nice as possible, but i think little more.
i thought the rsm was being ridiculous and i did breach to him that i had no intention to stay over and of coursei pointed to him that from precedent understudies do not stayover, but i figured after his first rebuttal that God is Great that any resistance is going to be futile. the one thing that impresses me most about him and many regular wos is their doggedness that they are right and that some simplistic statement that they take as a universal primary premise like God is Great is going to solve all problems. because it wont solve anything. it just destroys all argument with its monolithic stupidity. but it doesnt matter, because they have never been quite concerned with logic. heck, the fact that they even humor you by asking you some stupid questions is beyond expectation. apart from the fact that they dont care about your answer, they dont actually have to care, because they are regulars and they have rank. you are just a puny cq for them to do. you earn about 500 a month to do stuff, but they earn "5000 to do nothing" i quote verbatim. he views himself as the troubleshooter, one who standsby until something goes awry and then he steps in. he views himself as the big tool, the one you turn to as the last resort. so most of the day to day things do not require him, especially in this camp, when day to day work involves catching some storemen to oil some cans and other assorted nonsense to carry balls thats not going to impact productivity, serviceability or anything that the saf hopes to stand for.
i sat in the office with him as he briefed me complete nonsense, things anyone who even considers himself human would have already picked up, interspersed by proclamations of God is Great! and the like. i smiled to myself halfway through, as in the angst i realized how taxpayers keep them employed and paid them so much. the consumer surplus, if these wo were commodities would be so massive, because the next best alternative job for them is going to be worth close to zero. ok, lets not be so mean, maybe they would be worth the taxi driver or the ops manager you see about town. baah. not that they are not contributive members of society, but the value they add is going to be so limited they cannot draw 5k and get to scold people and randomly give absurd advice to people who try to lap all of it up. bullshit.
hah.
Tuesday, January 12, 2010
it's not unusual it happens everyday
french made me foam hard.
it is still making me foam hard.
into the 3rd french lesson, i realized that i still have quite some difficulty understanding whatever the characters in the feuilleton were talking about. of course, most of the time, they were just talking spastic and the answers can be derived from context. but this is shitty. this is not real ability to listen. i remember doing my delf b1 listening like that too. got a hard rape 23/25 because of my brilliant topology and some simple deductions, like wtf, how can Paris La Defense be built in 1600?
and improv made me foam too, because i cannot think without writing. i lost conjugaison and i just randomly put in verb endings, because anyway, french+deep voice+ slurring makes everything sound the same.
im getting quite scared. think im going to screw up my admissions. how sia. oh no. pussy.
but its ok, im on mc today. will try to mug this afternoon.
hah.
i think its cos im really sick, so im not really enjoying this mc very much. although its good to be away from camp on such a silly day. hahaha.
ok.
it is still making me foam hard.
into the 3rd french lesson, i realized that i still have quite some difficulty understanding whatever the characters in the feuilleton were talking about. of course, most of the time, they were just talking spastic and the answers can be derived from context. but this is shitty. this is not real ability to listen. i remember doing my delf b1 listening like that too. got a hard rape 23/25 because of my brilliant topology and some simple deductions, like wtf, how can Paris La Defense be built in 1600?
and improv made me foam too, because i cannot think without writing. i lost conjugaison and i just randomly put in verb endings, because anyway, french+deep voice+ slurring makes everything sound the same.
im getting quite scared. think im going to screw up my admissions. how sia. oh no. pussy.
but its ok, im on mc today. will try to mug this afternoon.
hah.
i think its cos im really sick, so im not really enjoying this mc very much. although its good to be away from camp on such a silly day. hahaha.
ok.
Thursday, December 31, 2009
what didn't kill me didn't make me stronger, bye 2009
another year has passed, but time didnt fly, time limped along like an arthritic amputee, unlike the previous 2 years. many people would say that so many things happened so quickly they lacked the opportunity to stop, breathe and think. unlike them, i have been privileged, especially the past few weeks when on the days when I was in camp, I literally had nothing at all to do except to wear my smart 4 and do last parade. lunch was a welcome period of socialization that broke the monotony of stoning on facebook playing bejeweled blitz and reading random junk like financial statecraft, which is a horrible book by the way.
as expected, over the past year my brain has slowed down a lot. it has evolved, from being a somewhat absorbent sponge to the metal 555 sieve you get at $2 a piece from your friendly neighborhood hardware store. i dont retaining anything of value and i dont recall anything anymore. i have become lazy to recall, i just call people up to ask. its not a cheap habit and i hope to kick it. the past few days i spent at wrl studying my french, which was quite ineffective. i fell in love with the mother in the story, you know the dumb feuilleton, and afterwards her daughter. all i can remember is that they run un petit restaurant dans un petit village a le cote d'azur. in fact i have been studying french on and off ever since my engineer days when i confirmed my scholarship, and i realized that i havent remembered much.
in a word, for me, 2009 is 'phail', as leonard from my bslc section likes to say and spell it. i have never been rejected so many times and so completely ever before throughout my pathetic 19 years on the face of the earth. of course the first and the most painful failure, now as then would be my failure to go to ocs. yes, it is evident that i would not have passed out from ocs because theres no way im going to pass soc, but thats not important. what is, is that i did not even get selected to go. that ive fallen outside of the top 8%. unlike some friend i made in secondary school, i will not say that the system has been a failure, because it hasnt been. i had been the failure. looking back, i regret taking life in bmt so lightly. i went to bmt hoping to go to ocs, but after i set foot on the island, my psyche gets rewired to try to live through day to day to the bookout. i concede that i hadnt performed well and i didnt wayang. wayanging is important especially for noobs like me who have many glaring flaws out in the open to be picked on. it always helps to have a flower on a pile of cowdung. which shouldnt be the rafflesia.
my failure to enter ocs probably catalysed the cascade of epic failures along the way. i remember going for my commission interview just into my 2nd week of bslc, where they plainly asked me why i did not make it to ocs. i was completely honest with them, i told them i was pussier than those who went to ocs, but i would still work hard. i guess working hard is not good enough for them. singapore needs people who can work, not people who try to work. its the result that counts, not the effort. and when they have so many talented people to choose from they can afford to be choosy. anyway, a digression...all this must be the fault of my dear bmt pc, who called them to reschedule my interview instead of letting me book out for field camp. who knows, the result might have been different if i had done it before going to sispec, just like how some champions had done it before they got prb and kicked out of ocs for reasons apart from injuries. anyway to add salt to my festering, maggot filled wound, rumor has it that someone who drank soap in bmt got it. now i respect that he is one talented guy, but this is stretching it.
my rejection from ocs has been haunting me ever since. every corner i turn, someone has to ask, kindly or snidely. people keep asking me why an rj guy cannot even go to ocs. and as always, i have to tell them that i sucked, which might not have been completely true but which i have come to accept. i will always remember my fellow rafflesn who happened to be with me during the assessment center. she continuously stabbed at my wound, like a cheap matador trying to weaken the bull with many tassels stabbed at the bullpenis. of course i let vengeance control my actions that day and Fortune favored the Brave (me).
i would like to digress, that they shouldnt come up with the newfangled initiative of renaming sispec scs because whatever you name it, its just for people who did not make it to ocs. its like naming normal normal. like my bslc pc said, sispec has become a place for wannabes to nurse their wounds. comme l'hopital des invalides, for veterans of bloody wars, even though these vets probably only fought some sandflies and maybe a wild boar or two. in the army its just officers, ncos and men, simple. i remember my final interview with ceo ies, where he just kept asking me so specialist is nco and i had to keep saying yes. it sounds funny, but sitting there alone in the room at the last hurdle, wanting and needing to impress, it can be harrowing. it might even be the death knell, but luckily it wasnt.
my poor performance in the army and in front of the commission silenced the bell of pride that might have tolled inside of me. the scholarship helped me salvage some pride and of course gave me the opportunity to study overseas and thats assuming i dont cock up my admission, like how i cocked up my us apps. ok i admit i didnt actually put in any effort, i never thought i would get in so i was applying for fun, but i was even rejected by lse. which is really, really poor. but im going to try to turn things around, now that ive set myself to work hard at french and dominate the interview come 2nd quarter next year. i really need to clinch it and at least confirm myself a job. it wouldnt be the best of jobs, but hey, it would be a very good job to start with.
i wouldnt talk about the other rejections, like my outright rejection by nus scholarships, spower and what not, because compared to those 2 bombshells, these are like blanks. they made a sound but left no mark on whatever was left on me.
if theres one thing i have learnt in the army, its that there are great people and there are shitty people and they come in all forms, regardless of race, language or religion. and rank. probably the guy who made the greatest positive impact on my army life would be my sispec pc, who knew from the onset that i was just one foamer who was probably going to ooc because outfield is going to tear his skin up and hes going to get tretinoin sooner or later. he happened to know of my a level results, which is nothing to shout about really, more than 100 people alone from one school got it, and he got me to be his pa to edit stuffs for him while the other fall out boys were digging happily at the soc ground. i was there in front of the computer all alone, enjoying the air conditioning typing rubbish that nobody was going to read at all. he trusted me, and he gave me time off to 'center myself' so that i would better perform. thanks to him i booked out 7 times for interviews and stayed out on a sunday night. towards the end he got a little irritated, but he still continued giving me les cartes blanches and shielding me, especially one day when i was late for morning parade cos the night before i booked in at like 2300 and didnt unpack anything so i couldnt find some stuffs. i guess i also didnt let him down, by doing quite well at the sil tests. lol.
my time at eti was probably the most miserable throughout the year. never had there been so many screwed up people been so concentrated in one place. the pc was a highflying warrant who is brilliant at carrying balls and squeezing balls. i remember him not allowing me to go for my final discussion, luckily the oc was there and he intervened. this devious guy always had on an angelic mask and tried to appear concerned about his men and all that, but he probably wasnt. i remember him being a real dick one day and delaying our bookout by 2h cos of some foamy standby bed of such a high standard my father was left waiting outside and i never had him pick me up again. i enjoyed some of the detonation practicals, but the overall experience of regimentation and water parades after the laxness of sispec made me throw in the towel. i ooced on the last day of the 4 week course, which i will not regret, because i dont want to go to gedong.
the wsm was also a dick, but this i realized only after ooc-ing. ooc life is supposed to be next to heavenly in camp, but he made it depressing. i remember him posting us to the guardhouse and telling us that its a shitty posting so he will not question what happens there, what shit we had to suck up and what welfare we got. we did well at the guardhouse, the mps liked us, the csm liked us. he gave us nights offs tuesday and thursday. which we took. and then came one fine day when this fat ass called to say that we must book in that night cos he understood this and that differently. i hate being threatened and being railed at so i didnt take to his unreasonable behavior very well. the oc also turned crazy and wanted to cancel nights outs for oocs. luckily the csm shielded us, and for this i respect him a lot. he was a firm and fair person, who was very welfare. he took care of the people under his charge, even the attached personnel. ir emember him bringing us to the safsa celebration and the chinook landing. i remember him allowing me to go for the firefly rehearsals. of course there were the nice mp specs, the only truly nice people i met in nee soon. on top of she bang you. who is the best mo i have ever come across. he is the most understanding ever and he is one who just puts the cards out on the table. he can double up as your lifecoach and give adam khoo a run for his money. without she bang you, i dont think i would be this happy now.
looking back, engineers was a hellhole, if not for the hwachong oocs.
when i went to iti, i thought i entered hell too. iti was supposed to be a choice posting, and my dear friend stho was already at iti. often he extolled the virtues of the camp. it was slack, relaxed and above all, stayout. i salivated.
then on my second day there i met this person, who just made me foam. he is still myindirect superior, but he was a nasty guy who had illusions of himself being justice bao. he was mean and started talking to me about what could be done and what couldnt and what is saf approved what isnt and all that nonsense. i still dont like him, because he has high standards and can be a little bit too particular about things. i suppose you need someone like him around here to make sure that at least some work is done so team2 wont plunge into darkness and fail lri. so far, i have avoided him and whenever i see him i act respectfully, apologize for any shortcoming, real or perceived and just scoot off. the other people in camp are just nuah, and i like my superiors who are both nice people who let me off for all my firefly activities.
subsequently i went for the cq course, which was a complete waste of time. this was the paragon of what would happen if inefficient and unmotivated clowns are led by a clown with gradiose vision of distant ends with little concrete plans on how to get there. the course was a joke, more than half the time we were just sitting around staring into space. if not for my nice bunk and some people i met along the way, like kek who posted out and khairul my future boss with whom i discussed some issues and aired some views, i would have died. it was on this course where chaokenging came out en masse as throngs of people took mc every weekend and people wiggled out of shitty situations by playing the medical card.
i was guilty of this myself to get into fsg fsg, basically the group that completely wont sleep outfield, i told the conducting who initially told me to bathe outfield with jerry cans that i and a few others would report sick the very day the exercise began. attendance was poor and the auditors were coming down i suppose, so he relented. that was a minor success and my first step towards diplomacy and common action. lol.
without learning anything relevant because i was day dreaming or discussing politics or just staring at the water point, i returned to iti where i currently am and would be for about a year more. i hope the time here will be smooth sailing, i will continue with my french lessons and do well and ord and go to france! yay.
if theres something i have learnt this year, it would be to expect the worst. i used to laugh at all those dumb safety assessment checklists all over the camp, where they says no shifting of chairs ncase people trip and fall. its not a joke. shit like this happen. my storeman cut his head while moving conc wire and im still puzzled how he did it. on top of it, when things looked like they were going to reach fruition, something just comes along to mess it up. there are so many examples but i am too lazy to mention them.
apart, my experience has reaffirmed that might is right. it doesnt matter how watertight you find your argument to be and it doesnt matter that its more logical to clean the safety goggles before lining them instead of lining them and then cleaning them some other time, but it actually doesnt matter. what usually matters is that crap and those inverted chevrons. of course, those with rank shouldnt go about abusing those without, just as rousseau mentioned the weak can connive to bring down the strong, we might be little spawnlings but we can find strength in unity so dont be the force behind the unity. anyway in this camp, i notice many little spawnlings spend their time praying for the their perceived tyrants to get posted out, fired, or to die. lol.
as a small fry, your words and actions dont carry weight at all. seriously no one really cares and it helps for you to talk less so you have to do less, cos when you do less you have more lepak time and make less mistakes so less chance to kena fk. there is no incentive to work, to think, to improve so it helps if one doesnt do any of the above too much. or at least exercise some caution. i have seen too many people with too much initiative who kena fk. but of course, this is the army, try this in real life and you will foam. some skills that are important in the army becomes less important outside, mainly the skill to look like youre working when youre not.
i have never bothered myself with thinking about how things can be better because this requires too much effort and too little returns. by the time anything constructive gets done i would have ord-ed, and they wont like call me back to give me institute best soldier, and anyway by that point i wont need or want it or them to call me back. but its alright. anyway life here as of now is as good as i can expect from an army camp.
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
MJ RIP
If theres anything, I hope to be a better person, just like how i have hoped to be a better person and always failed. i know deep down inside that im quite a faggot and i thank all my friends for tolerating me, especially stho for tolerating my oblique insults in and out of camp, and mark for humoring me, and zhenan and aaron for all the fun i had. i hope to spend more time with my french, seriously mugging it. i hope to read more, especially in camp, instead of playing hobo prison brawl so that i know more and can transit into uni life better and contribute better to my work in the future.
of course i hope i can get a girlfriend, but as usual, this is a lost cause. cos im too much of an underachieving foamer. i will try my best but i will not be a toad lusting after swans flesh. i hope that my friends will help remind me. hahaha.
goodbye 2009.
hello 2010!
as expected, over the past year my brain has slowed down a lot. it has evolved, from being a somewhat absorbent sponge to the metal 555 sieve you get at $2 a piece from your friendly neighborhood hardware store. i dont retaining anything of value and i dont recall anything anymore. i have become lazy to recall, i just call people up to ask. its not a cheap habit and i hope to kick it. the past few days i spent at wrl studying my french, which was quite ineffective. i fell in love with the mother in the story, you know the dumb feuilleton, and afterwards her daughter. all i can remember is that they run un petit restaurant dans un petit village a le cote d'azur. in fact i have been studying french on and off ever since my engineer days when i confirmed my scholarship, and i realized that i havent remembered much.
in a word, for me, 2009 is 'phail', as leonard from my bslc section likes to say and spell it. i have never been rejected so many times and so completely ever before throughout my pathetic 19 years on the face of the earth. of course the first and the most painful failure, now as then would be my failure to go to ocs. yes, it is evident that i would not have passed out from ocs because theres no way im going to pass soc, but thats not important. what is, is that i did not even get selected to go. that ive fallen outside of the top 8%. unlike some friend i made in secondary school, i will not say that the system has been a failure, because it hasnt been. i had been the failure. looking back, i regret taking life in bmt so lightly. i went to bmt hoping to go to ocs, but after i set foot on the island, my psyche gets rewired to try to live through day to day to the bookout. i concede that i hadnt performed well and i didnt wayang. wayanging is important especially for noobs like me who have many glaring flaws out in the open to be picked on. it always helps to have a flower on a pile of cowdung. which shouldnt be the rafflesia.
my failure to enter ocs probably catalysed the cascade of epic failures along the way. i remember going for my commission interview just into my 2nd week of bslc, where they plainly asked me why i did not make it to ocs. i was completely honest with them, i told them i was pussier than those who went to ocs, but i would still work hard. i guess working hard is not good enough for them. singapore needs people who can work, not people who try to work. its the result that counts, not the effort. and when they have so many talented people to choose from they can afford to be choosy. anyway, a digression...all this must be the fault of my dear bmt pc, who called them to reschedule my interview instead of letting me book out for field camp. who knows, the result might have been different if i had done it before going to sispec, just like how some champions had done it before they got prb and kicked out of ocs for reasons apart from injuries. anyway to add salt to my festering, maggot filled wound, rumor has it that someone who drank soap in bmt got it. now i respect that he is one talented guy, but this is stretching it.
my rejection from ocs has been haunting me ever since. every corner i turn, someone has to ask, kindly or snidely. people keep asking me why an rj guy cannot even go to ocs. and as always, i have to tell them that i sucked, which might not have been completely true but which i have come to accept. i will always remember my fellow rafflesn who happened to be with me during the assessment center. she continuously stabbed at my wound, like a cheap matador trying to weaken the bull with many tassels stabbed at the bullpenis. of course i let vengeance control my actions that day and Fortune favored the Brave (me).
i would like to digress, that they shouldnt come up with the newfangled initiative of renaming sispec scs because whatever you name it, its just for people who did not make it to ocs. its like naming normal normal. like my bslc pc said, sispec has become a place for wannabes to nurse their wounds. comme l'hopital des invalides, for veterans of bloody wars, even though these vets probably only fought some sandflies and maybe a wild boar or two. in the army its just officers, ncos and men, simple. i remember my final interview with ceo ies, where he just kept asking me so specialist is nco and i had to keep saying yes. it sounds funny, but sitting there alone in the room at the last hurdle, wanting and needing to impress, it can be harrowing. it might even be the death knell, but luckily it wasnt.
my poor performance in the army and in front of the commission silenced the bell of pride that might have tolled inside of me. the scholarship helped me salvage some pride and of course gave me the opportunity to study overseas and thats assuming i dont cock up my admission, like how i cocked up my us apps. ok i admit i didnt actually put in any effort, i never thought i would get in so i was applying for fun, but i was even rejected by lse. which is really, really poor. but im going to try to turn things around, now that ive set myself to work hard at french and dominate the interview come 2nd quarter next year. i really need to clinch it and at least confirm myself a job. it wouldnt be the best of jobs, but hey, it would be a very good job to start with.
i wouldnt talk about the other rejections, like my outright rejection by nus scholarships, spower and what not, because compared to those 2 bombshells, these are like blanks. they made a sound but left no mark on whatever was left on me.
if theres one thing i have learnt in the army, its that there are great people and there are shitty people and they come in all forms, regardless of race, language or religion. and rank. probably the guy who made the greatest positive impact on my army life would be my sispec pc, who knew from the onset that i was just one foamer who was probably going to ooc because outfield is going to tear his skin up and hes going to get tretinoin sooner or later. he happened to know of my a level results, which is nothing to shout about really, more than 100 people alone from one school got it, and he got me to be his pa to edit stuffs for him while the other fall out boys were digging happily at the soc ground. i was there in front of the computer all alone, enjoying the air conditioning typing rubbish that nobody was going to read at all. he trusted me, and he gave me time off to 'center myself' so that i would better perform. thanks to him i booked out 7 times for interviews and stayed out on a sunday night. towards the end he got a little irritated, but he still continued giving me les cartes blanches and shielding me, especially one day when i was late for morning parade cos the night before i booked in at like 2300 and didnt unpack anything so i couldnt find some stuffs. i guess i also didnt let him down, by doing quite well at the sil tests. lol.
my time at eti was probably the most miserable throughout the year. never had there been so many screwed up people been so concentrated in one place. the pc was a highflying warrant who is brilliant at carrying balls and squeezing balls. i remember him not allowing me to go for my final discussion, luckily the oc was there and he intervened. this devious guy always had on an angelic mask and tried to appear concerned about his men and all that, but he probably wasnt. i remember him being a real dick one day and delaying our bookout by 2h cos of some foamy standby bed of such a high standard my father was left waiting outside and i never had him pick me up again. i enjoyed some of the detonation practicals, but the overall experience of regimentation and water parades after the laxness of sispec made me throw in the towel. i ooced on the last day of the 4 week course, which i will not regret, because i dont want to go to gedong.
the wsm was also a dick, but this i realized only after ooc-ing. ooc life is supposed to be next to heavenly in camp, but he made it depressing. i remember him posting us to the guardhouse and telling us that its a shitty posting so he will not question what happens there, what shit we had to suck up and what welfare we got. we did well at the guardhouse, the mps liked us, the csm liked us. he gave us nights offs tuesday and thursday. which we took. and then came one fine day when this fat ass called to say that we must book in that night cos he understood this and that differently. i hate being threatened and being railed at so i didnt take to his unreasonable behavior very well. the oc also turned crazy and wanted to cancel nights outs for oocs. luckily the csm shielded us, and for this i respect him a lot. he was a firm and fair person, who was very welfare. he took care of the people under his charge, even the attached personnel. ir emember him bringing us to the safsa celebration and the chinook landing. i remember him allowing me to go for the firefly rehearsals. of course there were the nice mp specs, the only truly nice people i met in nee soon. on top of she bang you. who is the best mo i have ever come across. he is the most understanding ever and he is one who just puts the cards out on the table. he can double up as your lifecoach and give adam khoo a run for his money. without she bang you, i dont think i would be this happy now.
looking back, engineers was a hellhole, if not for the hwachong oocs.
when i went to iti, i thought i entered hell too. iti was supposed to be a choice posting, and my dear friend stho was already at iti. often he extolled the virtues of the camp. it was slack, relaxed and above all, stayout. i salivated.
then on my second day there i met this person, who just made me foam. he is still myindirect superior, but he was a nasty guy who had illusions of himself being justice bao. he was mean and started talking to me about what could be done and what couldnt and what is saf approved what isnt and all that nonsense. i still dont like him, because he has high standards and can be a little bit too particular about things. i suppose you need someone like him around here to make sure that at least some work is done so team2 wont plunge into darkness and fail lri. so far, i have avoided him and whenever i see him i act respectfully, apologize for any shortcoming, real or perceived and just scoot off. the other people in camp are just nuah, and i like my superiors who are both nice people who let me off for all my firefly activities.
subsequently i went for the cq course, which was a complete waste of time. this was the paragon of what would happen if inefficient and unmotivated clowns are led by a clown with gradiose vision of distant ends with little concrete plans on how to get there. the course was a joke, more than half the time we were just sitting around staring into space. if not for my nice bunk and some people i met along the way, like kek who posted out and khairul my future boss with whom i discussed some issues and aired some views, i would have died. it was on this course where chaokenging came out en masse as throngs of people took mc every weekend and people wiggled out of shitty situations by playing the medical card.
i was guilty of this myself to get into fsg fsg, basically the group that completely wont sleep outfield, i told the conducting who initially told me to bathe outfield with jerry cans that i and a few others would report sick the very day the exercise began. attendance was poor and the auditors were coming down i suppose, so he relented. that was a minor success and my first step towards diplomacy and common action. lol.
without learning anything relevant because i was day dreaming or discussing politics or just staring at the water point, i returned to iti where i currently am and would be for about a year more. i hope the time here will be smooth sailing, i will continue with my french lessons and do well and ord and go to france! yay.
if theres something i have learnt this year, it would be to expect the worst. i used to laugh at all those dumb safety assessment checklists all over the camp, where they says no shifting of chairs ncase people trip and fall. its not a joke. shit like this happen. my storeman cut his head while moving conc wire and im still puzzled how he did it. on top of it, when things looked like they were going to reach fruition, something just comes along to mess it up. there are so many examples but i am too lazy to mention them.
apart, my experience has reaffirmed that might is right. it doesnt matter how watertight you find your argument to be and it doesnt matter that its more logical to clean the safety goggles before lining them instead of lining them and then cleaning them some other time, but it actually doesnt matter. what usually matters is that crap and those inverted chevrons. of course, those with rank shouldnt go about abusing those without, just as rousseau mentioned the weak can connive to bring down the strong, we might be little spawnlings but we can find strength in unity so dont be the force behind the unity. anyway in this camp, i notice many little spawnlings spend their time praying for the their perceived tyrants to get posted out, fired, or to die. lol.
as a small fry, your words and actions dont carry weight at all. seriously no one really cares and it helps for you to talk less so you have to do less, cos when you do less you have more lepak time and make less mistakes so less chance to kena fk. there is no incentive to work, to think, to improve so it helps if one doesnt do any of the above too much. or at least exercise some caution. i have seen too many people with too much initiative who kena fk. but of course, this is the army, try this in real life and you will foam. some skills that are important in the army becomes less important outside, mainly the skill to look like youre working when youre not.
i have never bothered myself with thinking about how things can be better because this requires too much effort and too little returns. by the time anything constructive gets done i would have ord-ed, and they wont like call me back to give me institute best soldier, and anyway by that point i wont need or want it or them to call me back. but its alright. anyway life here as of now is as good as i can expect from an army camp.
I'm Starting With The Man In The Mirror
I'm Asking Him To Change His Ways
And No Message Could Have Been Any Clearer
If You Wanna Make The World
A Better Place
MJ RIP
If theres anything, I hope to be a better person, just like how i have hoped to be a better person and always failed. i know deep down inside that im quite a faggot and i thank all my friends for tolerating me, especially stho for tolerating my oblique insults in and out of camp, and mark for humoring me, and zhenan and aaron for all the fun i had. i hope to spend more time with my french, seriously mugging it. i hope to read more, especially in camp, instead of playing hobo prison brawl so that i know more and can transit into uni life better and contribute better to my work in the future.
of course i hope i can get a girlfriend, but as usual, this is a lost cause. cos im too much of an underachieving foamer. i will try my best but i will not be a toad lusting after swans flesh. i hope that my friends will help remind me. hahaha.
goodbye 2009.
hello 2010!
Tuesday, August 25, 2009
fate
DIE
ies and mfa neva reply to ma emaille.
isit cos they both jointly decided to rejectt mee
oh no
oh no
noooo
die
how?
nuslaw.
ies and mfa neva reply to ma emaille.
isit cos they both jointly decided to rejectt mee
oh no
oh no
noooo
die
how?
nuslaw.
Monday, August 24, 2009
"ho mia peng"
nothing to complain about, my camp life up till now has been good, and i so thank my lucky stars. off friday, off today too. cohesion tomorrow, so like, 5 days in a row no work? and anyway even back in camp also hardly got any decent work to do ya?
very gneiss.
hehe. later goes barbecue.
going to apply to Sciences Po. hope i gets in. i am a real foamer. dont laughs.
bonk.
round
right round
right round
my head spin
round round round
hehe
absinthe
smoke ringgs
very gneiss.
hehe. later goes barbecue.
going to apply to Sciences Po. hope i gets in. i am a real foamer. dont laughs.
bonk.
round
right round
right round
my head spin
round round round
hehe
absinthe
smoke ringgs
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