2260

i should eat shit and die.
what kind of shit score is that?
yep, all the girls will be spitting on me soon.

sigh.

any university worth going (i.e. the ivies like harvard yale princeton upenn and other pro unis like stanford) all require scores above 2300? and for foreigners even 2300 is not a comfortable score.

smu looks inviting again. my score is way above their 'good SAT score measure' of 1900+. time to start hardcoring ICC to get my A for it. pray then i can pursue Law and Economics at smu, and pray i do well enough in my GRE or something to pursue a good postgrad course in a good university.

im really disappointed in myself. i really let myself down. i didnt work hard enough, and i didnt test well enough. im screwed, screwed, screwed. today we had Interview Skills for civics. it was mostly hot air and cold jokes, but one thing he said pierced me really deep. it was the analogy of the saddle and the horse.

the jeweled saddle is bound to attract attention. the jeweled saddle is bound to be the clincher for an untested horse, never mind his latent potential. because the jeweled saddle is actually or supposedly reflective of the horse's potential.

we are like the horses, and our laurels the jeweled saddle. we are untested. it is the saddle that would 'kai1 lu4' in the working world. we have no bigmatch experience, so all we have is the saddle.

and the jeweled studded aniline leather saddle would not even pique the interest of a prospective owner. because many horses now come with jeweled studded aniline leather saddles. it just gives u a chance.

the SAT is a first step to getting a good degree. and a good degree is a good meal coupon. i squandered my chances at a good meal coupon. the future now looks bleak. it is cruel, but its the world, and since ive just a loser torn and roughshod saddle no one would even have me in their eyes even for a hair of a second. simply put, im screwed. ive been banished to join the wusses. banished to wussland. banished to moulmein to join ken and max and jianming.

that day i left the sports hall at acjc, i left, as pjl put, with my integrity intact. and he knows he would respect a person like me. and i know he would and i hope he would. snap out of it! uc berkeley wont know if you flipped back to your essay during your math section. harvard wont know if you did critical reading when it was the math section. in fact they wont even care. only the heavens may know, but clearly the heavens arent doing anything about it. because cheaters have always won. i know, ive seen.

my integrity was intact, but all else was shattered, shattered to millions of small shards and blown away in the wind, forever never to return. im a broken man. infirmed, incomplete. SAT shatters lives. well at least it has shattered mine.

yeah, retake again, but even when i retake it, my loser 2260 will be written all over my university applications. and if i retake again and then screw myself by not showing a big improvement, it reflects my hopelessness and a lack of aptitude. im screwed, really bad. im fucked, really bad. im quite dead, really.

all is not lost even if u dont have a good meal coupon or a good saddle. that is true, but u would have to take the long route just to get to the same spot. i know. with no more qualifications than an o level cert, shetook almost five times as long to climb up the corporate ladder. but i suppose shes a good horse for the cause. problem is, im not a good horse. im a sickly wuss that am not handsome, particularly cunning or brilliant. i wont succeed in the primings, i wont succeed at kranji and i wont succeed in texas. look into my mouth and u can see all my teeth falling off.

im really screwed. im fucked. im a goner. i really should kill myself and stop this misery. i really should kill myself and hope that my blood can wash away this mistake. and i should really die a very painful death, because i deserve it. i wont jump, because i shouldnt be thrilled by the speed; i wont overdose, because seriously the pain from seizures might not be enough. maybe i should set a stove in front of me, get a blunt knife and castrate myself and pull out my orifices and burn them infront of my own eyes. and then i should summon the last of my strength to gouge my eyes out and then hack my right hand off because it was the hand that was recording the mistakes.

i am don. rather, i was don. and byebye.