and mephistopheles again beckons

well i am at one with myself.

yes, do not doubt this above statement, because i have spent most of the afternoon surfingpornandwanking away happily. i ignited and i exploded, twice, although the second time it was far from spectacular, and almost embarrassing. the reverse order of the bombs dropped over japan.

as many of my loyal readership (hi daojie!) should have already known by now, i got a C for chem. not just any C for chem, a FUCKING C for chem. an observant person would have noticed that i have refrained from using vulgarities in my posts. i have also been trying to use less vulgarities in my more common discource, but obviously i havent been too successful.

back to chemistry.

getting a C for chem left a real bad taste in my mouth. and this foul taste just lingers and lingers. i had entered the exams as best prepared as i have ever been, and i left the exams thinking that the paper was not that bad. honestly, i was expecting a mid to high B, maybe even a low A.

so when chung dumped the paper on my desk, the C on the paper jumped out at me, right into my face. the C, it jumped right off the paper and seared itself into my eyes and into my mind. i was in a state of shock, a state of disbelief, a state of denial. what the shit did i do?

as all ri boys weaned off miracles would do, i began counting and recounting the marks. i know the computations are rarely ever wrong, but i dont fault myself for trying and hoping. obviously there was nothing wrong with the calculations.

and then i tried to look for errors in marking, and obviously there werent. in hindsight, my answers were flimsy as an overwashed blouse and as lacking in substance as aquinas' arguments. to be honest, i felt horrible. i mugged, real hard, the hardest for chem, hard as i have ever mugged, and i get fucked. as kwa bh would ask, 'what did i do wrong? what did i do wrong?', so did i. i was devastated, utterly, especially since the prelims are just in, what, 8 weeks? and here i am, with a C on my chem paper.

C is for chem. C is also for cock and C is also for condemned. C is bullshit, and i have added yet another C to my rj tally. and this C feels worse than the other C, because chem is a science, and fair is fair. for econs, yeah, the tutors are biased or they are simply pussies who do not appreciate great genius, just as keynes' tutors didnt appreciate him. in science, everything is black and white. theres no gray. a wrong is a wrong is a wrong is a wrong.

dont mention hawking. hawking is a special case. and this level of science is not as complex as the science he is dealing with. i mean, the notes tell you to bloody use PBr3, then you jolly well bang it. theres no, but i thought, but i thought i remember. nadir of this nonsense. and obviously, im no einstein.

i was depressing around for most of the afternoon, just pissed, just fed up. well, at least i am a dumbdon but with a fully functioning body. what good is it to be a lucasian professor stuck in a wheelchair? while i understand the goodwill behind this statement, it is utterly illogical, a complete piece of crap. yes, i think in chinese theres some similar statement, what bishangbuzu,bixiayouyu. i mean, this is the way of a pussy. although im not doubting im well on a pussy, i dont like to admit it. and the fallacy of this statement stems from the fact that at least you have something. i can just go burn your house and murder your family, and then say, at least you are alive. shit this is bad. whatever, basically its crap.

anyway, i contemplated selling my soul, again. i mean, we all say faust is stupid, but now, i dont see faust as a total dumbshit. it is extremely appealing, to me, now, to sell my soul and lead a good life. because the life i am living now is a life, not very worth living. the only thing stopping me is my future valuation function. and maybe, also because i dont know how to sell my soul.

although i must say getting a deans list for chem, and maybe even econs, phy and math, on top of a 100th percentile for gp in exchange for a less than eternity in purgatory doeth seem appealing.

on my trip home i contemplated ending this miserable life. i had that many opportunities to fling myself on the road and become roadkill. it actually arouses me as i visualize my limbs in a mangled pile, crushed up, dformed, soaking in a pool of my blood, which is everywhere.

obviously i didnt dare to do it. cos im a humji. a pussy or whatever u call it. and i was already hurting from the spike that is chemistry struck through my heart, and down my thorax, that my gut did not receive the nourishment it so painfully required. and i havent actually have any carnal knowledge of a girl, so i dont want to die yet.

anyway the plan i have settled on is what jiawei would call a champion strategy. i dont see how champions need strategies. anyway, this strategy, much like his lameass strategies, are little more than natural progressions in life, coupled with a few decisions.

the champion strategy, is to quit rj, since trying to rape chem has been and most probably will always be a tall order for pussies like me. and then try to use my gpa to enrol into ite and work for a master nitec in cleanliness, sanitation and the like. i mean, the government has always been telling us how we should use our hands, and how ite can teach us how to use our hands well. important for me to contribute with my hands, when i cannot contribute with my brains.

anyway with this hardcore master nitec i can lead a team of cleaners from china to clean tables around town, and maybe take some foodscraps. and hopefully i can earn 1.2 k per month. sounds like a plan. ok actually this isnt much of a plan at all. but heck it. at least this is a way out for me.

anyway next time u see me, please dont fling ur tissues in my face.

life is really, really tough, ya.