stupidity is criminal

way to go, don.

2/2 papers screwed, i am steamrolling through the cts and bumping up my name on the meet-the-deans list with each passing day. ok, maybe not to that extent, but i can see my percentile falling faster than a huge rock pushed off the steepest cliff in Hades.

i actually mugged damn hard for econs. i actually spent a good deal of time mugging. 5 days. all of 5 days. 9 to 7 mugging. i went through my notes, i went through my tutorials, i went through everything relevant i could get my hands on, even sloman 5th edtn.

the day started out poorly, and then continued on poorly. i knew what i was doing, sometimes. i knew what i was writing bout, sometimes. i was passioned, stirred, sometimes. most of the time i was just trying to write whatever came to mind. of course i was trying to fill up the foolscap. quantity is not substitute for quality, but quantity is helpful in making up for the obvious lack of substance. i think. anyway, the econs dept is probably going to humiliate me by writing all sorts of somewhat encouraging comments like "????", "is this equitable" or "see me!" all over my paper.

as so beautifully illustrated in sloman, i was like a guy who had to drive a car up and down a slopy road. except that the height of the slopes and the distribution of the slopes are not consistent. my task was to keep a constant speed. thing is, there is no speedometer, and instead of having darkened out windshields on 3 sides, i was blindfolded. i had a brake and gas pedal, but the gas pedal doesnt work and all the brake does is make stupid sounds that sound like condescending or stupid remarks like "all girls are pretty" or something. in short, i was screwed. and i was fed up as i was screwed. drained physically, mentally and emotionally. sapped, and sapped quite dry, just like an old pussy.

i knew it was bad, but ewong only rubbed it in. i wasnt on cloud nine, or cloud eight or cloud seven for that matter, but i was still feeling cool about econs. but she had to point out all the weaknesses in my answer, and then leave me reeling and without even a semblance of a little hair to cling on to for comfort, much less safety.

an apt analogy would be that i was standing a top a choked sink, and i was cool about that. and then she came along and started poking holes around the choke. and then she takes bigger, bolder stabs and then the membrane disintegrates and i fall down the cess and become one with the sludge and the shit down the dark and damp and dirty pipe. sounds like a pussy, but this is much worse.

because there is no wall of pleasure to bang against. because there isnt the quickie feeling that you get when you dont feel a force holding you up. i felt shit in all that shit as i quickly found myself surrounded, engulfed and held in shit. it felt real shitty, like going greek without an enema. it felt horrible.

that disgusting aftertaste still lingers. i see i am going to flunk again tomorrow. although somehow, the spastic optimist in me hopes for a better day.