floreat

i now find myself at a crossroad on my journey through life (and towards death). discounting that which lead me here, i have 3 options lying ahead, ready to be seized and exploited. law, firefly, sgs. all tantalizing options, all going to affect what i am going to do with most of my waking hours in the years ahead to come.

the life sentence is a nasty cascade of toil, tears, work and worry. where tribulation follows tribulation, until of course, the mother of all tribulation comes knocking. i am a foamer. i want to choose the route with the least pain, even if it might bring along lesser highjoys. i have never liked roller coasters, i have never liked intensity. i like to live within my pathetic little comfort zone. drab it might be, but tranquil. peaceful. safe. secure.

my heart is weak and weary.
and it demands repose.

i hate making decisions. i make bad decisions. i am never bold. and Fortune, she rarely favors me.
i know.
i always throw bad die.

and Regret no longer pays me frequent visits. Regret stays with me, follows me, like my shadow. never leaves me, except when i am in the dark.

Regret, feeds on me, diminishes me. makes me less of a man, more of a pussy.

many times i think i thought i could have, i think i thought i should have. i examine my life too much. every small, quiet moment, i think to myself how things would be different, better, if i had done otherwise. if i had studied harder. if i had been more sociable. if i had been more spontaneous. like a voyeur i scrutinize my mistakes under the microscope in my mind. and like a pervert i make notes to myself. of course, not like an rgs girl, but in my mind.

i like to give things due consideration. i take long to arrive at even the simplest decisions, like whether i should go to macs or eat banmian. for stuffs with longer lasting impact, i take way, way longer. i think much, much harder. over the years, my brain has slown down, even with such gymnastics.

i have fear in me.
fear is useful, like rocks in the hold that help a ship stay its course.
but too much fear, and the boat will sink. everytime i see myself as a ship, i visualize my sinking. this sinking feeling, comes naturally, has become an inalienable part of me.

i cannot bear myself. life is just too tough. all along the way come obstacles. all along the way come choices. and this time around i will make the best of choice.

in some sense, i consider myself quite lucky. this is somewhat a happy problem. i am glad to have been considered for 2 scholarships, albeit 2 not so 'atas' ones. nus law and econs, thats percuniary.

and today i have to make a decision. nus can go bugger itself. doesnt want to give me a scholarship. it can X off. now i am left with 2 options, both promising a glimpse of a somewhat bright future that i have the potential to attain. of course, whether i achieve anything is for tomorrow to know. but today i know i will sign away my career.

especially if i join the foreign service. undeniably, a very specialized job. i think i would like the foreign service, i like all the intricacies and cold calculation the job entails. intrigue in this very machiavellian world beckon. i would pounce at it, but then, if i dislike it in the end, i would have little chance for a complete and real change of job. the job is too specialized, with but a sole employer, the government of singapore. they would have a stranglehold on me. in theory i can join the private sector, but as a small minion. to build my career from the ground up again, after finishing my bond.

ie singapore, undoubtedly, allows for a career switch more easily. after all, one deals with the private sector. this exposure allows for the harnessing of contacts, the building of private relations to be brought along. the knowledge of helping companies to internationalize, the intimacy with process i can gain will make me more valuable to the private sector, than knowledge of dhakali civil law.

i like them scholars too. they are fun people. and i look forward to having these fun people, i hope i can consider them more than acquaintances, as my colleagues. but 5, 6 years down the road, things change, people change. colleagues are also competitors. of course in ies not so much as in mfa, since competition is less intense.

then again, ies is about helping SMEs. they make you foam hard. there are figures to be met, just as in the private sector. i like work where i dont get assessed by quantity, but by quality. and if you get some shit job like water resource, you can just see your numbers crunched till they become unrecognizable. of course, foreign service, it can be worse. with no real data to work with, KPIs on irrelevant things become very important. and i suck at KPIs.

foreign service is massive. there would probably be some place i can find myself slotted in. or at least i hope so. with 40 consulates all over the world, i hope i can go somewhere decent, and achieve something decent, so that i will not commit suicide over my career. ie singapore is david when compared to foreign service, but it is expanding. and i relish being a pioneer, especially on the lost continent. africa. the gods must be crazy there.

the main bad point about foreign service is the fact that there are many psc, and they are admittedly better than those wif sgs. of course, things can change and people can change, and those who do well in council, gaying around and painting banners might not do so well when it comes to sitting in a war room with the likes of dr strangelove. fengshuilunliuzhuan. but its like starting out on a wrong footing, like going into battle with an entrenchment tool against someone with a loaded m16. there is a chance for survival, but a slim chance at best. and in the civil service, perceived ability is very important. sgs is perceived or maybe it is definitely second class.

but then again, ies is relatively small yet it can take it so many scholars. a bit weird. and i thought ie was, hmm, and for this i refer to my posts in november of 2007.

conundrum. tough life.