For the non-Chinese, 'Siam' is '闪'

riiight.
fuck my life is sucking like shit again.

youth leaders conference was a total waste of time. well the speaker they got is very good, but he gets a little dry after the novelty wears off. his weird sense of humor also got a bit irritating. with his talk at 2+ hours, it was seriously overkill. luckily i was sitting with juanhe, shayi and zhenan, and life seemed slightly better as we were retarded from time to time heheh. something tt wont happen if i sat with my damn serious vc.

i more or less burnt my day listening to crap. look, its not like this is going to help me make my cca better. the group discussion was total fuckedup crap, as councilors start proclaiming that veera is a total bitch, thimun n rj is totally fked up and all that. like hello we were supposed to be talking about goals? but id rather not entertain them with all this kinda shit.

then it was sodof group sharing, with kelvin yin cracking everyone up with his lameness. he is a serious joker man, can learn from aw and be some motivational speaker. haha its just his weird intonation and smile that makes him so funny.

klow also shared his life story like how he studied until pri 8. quite honest, but seriously draggy. so i ponned to join my pw group. hardly did any work however.

life seriously sucks. then juanhe forgets about calling me to get my stuff and i had to sprint all the way back before they lockup the damned pac. shit man.

anyways the saddest shit of all is that i dont have a single motherfucking attachment. my econs attachement got rejected! fuck! stupid asshole. i know it must be her. by marks alone surely im a rather deserving candidate. i dont see how by marks alone i should be kicked if they chose 30 people.

fuck she must have thrown away my application or gave me some fucked up appraisal. fuck. why is my life so suck. fuck fuck fuck. im dead. without attachment. fuck my cca records will be super nice clean and white. fuck. nothing to say about myself except im some wuss.

say byebye to any scholarship. looks like i would trod down the sad soggy path of self destruction, enter nus to read uninspired economics and whatnot, without double degree and i would be some empty nutcase, hopefully i can find a $2k a month job to sustain myself, maybe pay for my phonebills and exotic porn vids with a little left over, no porsche 911 for my first day of work (at this level it wouldnt make sense anyway).

somehow im not as deeply disappointed as before. maybe its because im getting accustomed to failing. maybe rjc has done well in teaching me lessons in life. maybe the tutors have been successful in thumbing me down. i scorn them. but, after the crescendo, the blows dont affect me as much. its much like diminishing returns. just as the first unit of fertilizer makes the crops grow better and the tenth unit only burns the crop. ive passed the point where the blows dont add to my misery, they only add to my pleasure. im a fucked up masochist.

after my hcl failure, my failure to even get the moe scholarship, my not getting straights, im distraught. but somehow im also numb, so the pain does not sear as deep.

im at peace as i stare down the sad dark tunnel that is going to be my life. a life with no sunshine, no hay, no companionship. and i am relieved. ive never felt better. the optimist in me tells me that darkness is good for me. dampness is good for me too. at least i wont get glaucoma. but heck i wont need my eyes, id just fall down and be too uninspired to pluck myself up from the muck. my brains would just turn to mush and slowly id become a huge slob of goo, which i actually am already not much better than.

at least i know i suck. and i can accept it. its karma. fucking karma. if this is my life then so be it.