regret

one thing that marks, or rather, scars, my rj life has been regret. there are many things i know i could have done differently, and i could have done a lot better. when i have time to think, like last night during the thunderstorm, i see myself in a cyclone from which i cannot extract myself.

i entered jc hoping that things would be better. ok, let me be shameless here. i entered jc hoping that i would be able to rape my results just a bit harder, rape my cca much harder, and rape cip like a real gay. all these as means to an end, to get into a good foreign university and a competitive course of my dreams, and maybe if im lucky, get a good scholarship so i dont have to pay my way.

my results reek of real rape. not in the sense of rape like srgius as so graphically described by lenny. more like i got raped. i did ok for ct1, and then i lost steam, and got raped with a whole string of Bs for promos. this time i got a fonging C for econs n my chem is still a fonging B. anyway, all my percentiles have been extremely bad. completely not the standard that is deserving of a place in any proper university.

so i tweaked my expectations and i tried to psycho myself that nus or smu is just as good. im still trying, because i dont want to leave NS and enter a state of depression when the eventuality eventually occurs.

to even stand a good chance of entering a good faculty at these universities, they say they need a good cca record. well, i got an A1 in ri. but almost everybody has that A1. no big deal that i got that A1. when i came to rj i knew i had to do something about my cca. but everything went wrong, i didnt get accepted by shooting cos i shot like a gay, i had to quit french connection because my pe slot clashed with it and generally because it was a completely waste of time.

All I have is rcas, and rcas alone. yea, im the chair, but i think ive screwed the whole cca up. compared to pussy ccas like fx, i seem to fare ok. but look at an equivalent club like one urth and thats where u see the difference. i regret lacking persistence and patience to chase southern last year. caq would look so good for all of rcas. all we did, invite a REAL MAN to speak, and thats that. and thats pussy.

my cip. hrm. i did too little. tutoring the kids generates an inefficient supply of cip hours. i think like i have only 40 hrs in the bag, although im really hoping that the 2 gay camps with yiheng would go through. and then i can have a more respectable cip record that at least speaks something of me in my favor.

yes, all these, percentiles, cca, cip, arent very important in themselves, but fuck, if u dont have any of them, ur as good as dead. imagine the likes of lenny, juanha, rchan, domseet. just picture them and hold them in, for a second. and then u realize, fuck, ur just a complete loser. ur just a little speck of pussy yeast spore that is shameful and unloved.

to add to the woes, i think i have pissed off a fair share of tutors. who obviously arent going to write rave reviews about me. i havent been doing homework, and my results are so pussy i think they just want to tell me to fuck off. i can imagine the future me walking up to them to have them write my recommendation letter, and then they point to the trash can and say, 'go find urself in there'.

unlike the real men, i havent gotten myself a life. unlike shayi, shida, seth or ben, i havent got a girlfriend. unlike most of 4p, i havent gotten myself onto a gazillion deans lists. 1 per battery is just pussy. since ri, i havent actually represented the school in any credible competition. maybe, i shouldnt have given up geog.

i should have tried harder, slacked lesser. i should have mugged harder and screwed around lesser. i should have trained harder, so that now passing napfa wont have to be such a chore, and i wont be entertaining pussy thoughts of getting a downgrade.

there are many things i could have done so much better.