i walk a lonely road

i should be mugging but i cannot seem to focus. not just because i am at home, but because of the mas round 2 i just went for. i know i screwed it up really bad, and if they dont pick me, they are doing the right thing.

turns out that only 8 progressed to the 2nd round, among them 4 including myself, from 4P. 6 rj 2 hwach. all of them were brilliant individuals. except me. you have juanha, yongjin?, shida, shenghao, charles, and kuangli from hwach and another guy.

i didnt do too good in the discussion. i have never been good at this kind of imaginary situation. truth be told, if i had to choose people for the silly fallout shelter, i will just hurl myself off a cliff and meet my maker.

i just died for the psycho test. psycho testing is my weak suit. surrounded by godlike people, i was a complete idiot. my complete lack of speed was made more obvious by shida n juanha sitting to my left and across me. and then i made it worse when i had to clarify some instruction during the test. which was foamy. cos the section only has 3 mins or sth.

so i am screwed. the 2nd round is basically atest on academic prowess and intellect. i have neither. i have not been numismatic, and i have never been good at inverting or flipping nonsense like Rs. of course, i have never been fast, because for most exams, slow and steady wins the race, and i always dallied.

it was made much worse by the fact that every 5 sec my life flashed in front of me. here i was sitting in a conference room with 7 godlike individuals, making a fool of myself as i try to get the job and career that i have dreamt of since i started secondary school. i worked hard at school, i tried to go for cca, i hit my testimonials, and i got past the first round, and i see myself wasting away all i have done in those 3, 3, 4, 5, 6 mins. my mind raised furiously, but it just wasnt up to the task. i am not cut out with a good brain.

during the first round i emphasized that i think i am a prime choice because of the strength of my character, not because of my omnipotent mental faculty. i told them of the grit, determination and passion running through my veins, not the mathematical formulae that run along juanha's fingertips. but obviously it wont matter no more, because the second round is all about the atas, and compared to all those assembled it is apparent, and without a doubt that i am in a league of my own. if they are the english premier league, i am the sunday school field league for football ahpeks. i didnt dazzle with speed with precision with anything. but i distinguished myself with my abject stupidity and ineptness.

i got past the first round because i brought some knowledge and intense interest in banking. i could,because i was born into it. i was born to do it, or so i demonstrated, but hey, these brilliant young men, btw, all were dudes, no dudettes, could easily pick up all this stuff. it wasnt because i was good, i was because i was from a somewhat lucky sperm club.

i can accept it if they dont pick me. they should pick scholars, not losers. and i want scholars of the highest caliber to entrust my money and my economy with. from this alone, i know i deserve the cut. i still feel that psychometric assessments are not fair, but this completely doesnt matter, because it is the best method of testing. it isnt completely fair, but it is the fairest. to paraphrase, it is the worst form of assessment except all others.

so i am crushed. as i came along home, i was looking into the future. what used to be a nice comfy job in a nice comfy office with a nice car and nice house has now become an empty space. maybe a blackhole. nothing escapes it. no light. nothing. it is so dense, because i am going to be so dense and so hopeless a failure. i am going to be wasted. all that i have done, to naught. it pains me as the loser in an all pay auction. i worked, i moved, i positioned myself. i slogged, i piahed, i took pain. but then in just one morning, this faithful morning, i throw it all away. it is right for them not to pick me, i cannot even be entrusted to make good mine own life. much less that of others. i am screwed. so how am i going to be able to apply to any other scholarship?

i have a letter from caas. but now i wonder.