house of cards

why do we study? for what do we study?

i think the more pertinent question is why do we live and as a supplement for what do we live.

in the long run, everybody is dead.

if we live in pursuit of material satisfaction, then we are better off dead, because theres never enough material satisfaction to go around. as malthus so rightly pointed out, the way we are going, scarcity is only going to become a bigger problem.

if we live to be the best, the Man of Men, then clearly many of us would be disappointed. because there can only be one Man of many Men, and many of us mere Men are far too base to be the Man of the many Men. here we do not talk about gods who are 2nd in the world for chem olympiad or 5th in the world for bio olympiad. just Men who do meinly stuffs like eatbanmian or do thousands of hours of cip. and such men are few and far between.

yesterday after vasantham central ended the tv was tuned to artscentral and was talking about eunuchs. they go voluntarily castrate themselves just to live within the walls of the forbidden city and in a world of intrigue where they vie to possess and steal the most prized treasures within those walls. what for?

i was quite rather troubled as i saw mutilated incomplete men, literally with no balls. vying for that lustrous red jade tablet or that gold kirin. then they have to hide their deed and live in fear. seriously i wonder why do they live. and why do they do that, because soon enough they would run the full length of life, and then they cannot bring along their possesions for the next leg of their journey.

i guess everyone has his own indulgence. maybe without dicks, they can no longer engage that much in carnal desires and fantasies, so they then indulge themselves someplace else to keep themselves entertained, and satisfied.

maybe if i castrated myself, i can lower my libido. and then maybe i can channel my obsession to mugging and increase my already heightened desire for good results. so i dont have to satisfy my other urges, i can dive in to group vii with glee and rape statistics over the weekdays and over the weekends.

but if i were castrated i dont see the point in living, much less the point in owning the exams.

i guess my manhood is an inalienable part of my person. i cant even risk getting it bittenoff in a blowjob gonewrong.

i can answer the question on why should we study, but i shant endeavor to answer it here.

but i am still thinking about for what do i live.

i live for myself. people say that living for oneself is not the most fulfilling, living for others is. somehow, if one lived for others, one can be happier. someone should lose himself in his application to others so he can gain the most for himself.

how so? why should we live for others? does kindness beget kindness? clearly not. im just confused about altruism and helping others for the sake of helping others without any notion of personal gain.

as i approach majority, i wonder what i should be doing going forward in life. i know i have to mug hard, because with a good degree from a good school, i can still chuse to be a cleaner with xyz cleaning company, but without such a good degree from such a good school, i can still be a cleaner of xyz cleaning company but not abc hardrape company. thing is, im still in minority and i dont know how im going to perceive life in the future.

much as i believe in karma and reincarnation, theres still this nagging doubt lingering in me and engulfing me mind. i always wonder, what if i only lived once, and then when i die my Conscious ceases to exist. it scares me, now as ever.

and i wonder why i have to be good, why i should help the poor, why i should not surf porn and the like. they say its because there's God above. then i wonder, if God loved His children then why will he expose them to stuff that would incur His wrath and eternal damnation? after all, God as we like to believe is supposed to be omniscient and infallible. if God gave us the freedom to choose our path, why should we be punished for making a wrong choice, but a mere fault in his eternal mind? i always wonder.

anyway the female body is one of God's greatest creations, and if a nice specimen is placed forth of us, should we not lust? of course, we are not talking about females as sex objects. we are just looking at one aspect of the female. and i dont see how this is degrading.

i can accept the harm principle, but clearly i dont see whats wrong with taking drugs or surfing porn. i cannot accept how one can harm himself, or why one should be stopped from harming onself. yes, one doesnt live for himself, but surely there must be a limit placed on society to prvent society from nfringing upon the rights of the individual, shouldnt there be?

i dont know why i live. because as far as i see it, life is going to get more and more depressing. i dont know if i can live through my walk through the damp and dark tunnel until i see the light.