sleepless again

Sleep is a priceless commodity and something that i have come to value even more after handing over my pink ic. i remember in bmt, i knocked out before lights out every night except sunday night, because i didnt wake up at 0530 on sunday morning and shag myself out enough. and it used to take hardly 10 mins for me to get to sleep even at 10pm on a regular night at home. i feel safe at home, and this safety is soporific.

but ever since i started on my hospitalization leave, my body clock has been screwing up and sometimes i just cant seem to get to sleep. it is about 0200, the wee hours of the morning and im up again after spending the last hour or so tossing and turning on the bed. when i started i thought i was already shagged out after watching hongkong dramas on cable. but for some shitty reason or another i am still wide awake.

i think the lack of activity has made me cranky. i have been sleeping too much recently, and sometimes too late. the irregularity has caused some technical glitch within me, that i hope will be temporary. i have been trying to apply myself to something useful so i wont look back with regret, and i am glad to say i have been spending much time with my brother, who is back on a short holiday. and this is good. i have been keeping up with the news and paul the octopus. i did read some french, but its a lost cause because i simply lack the determination with anything tough. the unabridged leviathan also pissed me off. simply insane, that trayne of thought.

i was quite bored early yesterday and i was actually reading my old emails. thought that revisiting my emails would ignite some 'study' spark in me. it is quite funny how i have forgotten much of secondary school already, especially research education, and how i found my topics for sec 3 and 4 completely disappointing and unfulfilling. at the start we enjoyed ourselves too much without doing any work and at the end we were churning out junk to fill into the report. which was shit. i had quite a lot of nice people to work with and i enjoyed myself from that. but the substation thingy was something which i didnt enjoy much. i thought that exposing myself to something arty would improve the quality of my life, but it didnt. nevertheless in retrospect it was a good experience. the first time for me to stay out till late on a little street of shophouses tearing tickets, cleaning shit and typing random crap.

my french teacher was also very hardworking. a real email spammer. i think in a span of 2 years he sent out almost 100 emails on everything from the controle results to replies to questions by knowledge-hungry rgs amazons. i opened some of them and i found them absolutely amusing. he had his moody period when he gave curt short replies and his gay-french period when he explained shit through and through and posted cock about some random place in france hoping to inspire us to work harder and not play soggy biscuit at the back of the class. it mostly didnt work on me, and im living in regret. i have, starred, an email of the results of a controle where he the results of all his students were listed out with the last few digits of their nric. i was pleasantly surprised for a second to get 80+, then i remembered that i didnt understand the comprehension orale at all so it couldnt be me. i got 66%. it is funny now but quite shit then when it pulled down my gpa. if only i had the foresight to study my french. sigh, life is tough.

from 2006 there was plenty of emails from the rinccegroup, and many of them were really lame. most of the posts dealt with training updates, which didnt really make sense since all we did week after week was pt, drills and soccer. i was never into the uniformed group, but to save my A1 i forced myself to attend the sessions and all. so i was infinitely more involved in sec 4 than from sec 1 to 3 when i was floating around. i was reminded from the emails about the power struggle and some mudslinging and misunderstanding, but i hope all parties came out stronger and still remain friends.

those were formative years man. and i still am not drowsy. maybe bejeweled blitz will do the trick.

my life now is

WOW.

slack. slack. slack.

sadly, good times don't last forever.
but with a little bit of luck it can last a little longer.

hey friends!

1. going out with a person of the same gender (one on one) to the movies is really quite gay. i tried it once and i vow to never do it again, no matter how good the movie is. and whenever same gender pair outings happen between two people often i start to question their sexuality.

2. the classgirls, like zhenan, are quite rich. if you cant find them, they are either mugging hard in their secret mugging closet or worshipping and ogling and singing and dancing in church or planning cell group activities or in town to watch eclipse to get wet by robert pattinson. or else they are strolling around their backyard, which is roughly all the land and waters bounded by GMT +8 and GMT. mostly europe and the middle east for now.

3. classoutings generally end in failure because liquidincome distribution is grossly unequal. the gini coefficient tends to 1. not everyone comes from upper middle class families so not everyone can afford to watch movies without feeling the pinch. or fly over for a 3 day conference without saving all his hardearned monies from selling his services for duties. or make a pilgrimage to israel without cutting off a pound of flesh from his/her/its breast, closest to the heart, with/without spilling a drop of (relevant) blood.

4. not everyone has the same idea of fun and no one should be coerced to enjoy something he or she clearly doesnt. it sucks when the constituents of the class do not have overlapping areas of interest except mugging, and now that half the local class is in ns they dont have to mug, so the two halves of the class do not have overlapping areas of interest at all. going for buffets is something that some fervently enjoy, but others completely dont, with some even angsting about it. tough.

5. everything bad is mao tsetungs fault.

reminisce

old friends are good friends. good to know that they are all doing well, and somethings never change. maybe the more things change the more they become the same. the tides of time obscure memories but its great force also wears down the sharp, jagged edges. somethings we have forgotten, but others we remember, and someamong them stand out. HAL fell out of my memory but yesterday it came back in again. and studying overseas seems to provide them with winning job offers upwards of 5000 pounds realistically is ftw. what is more ftw is that these people can also tour europe, from sweden to france to italy, eat at four seasons, fly to a 3 day conference in singapore, so they dont actually need to earn so much so quickly because their families can sustain their ftw lifestly. my starting pay wont even cross sgd 5000 and thats despite me spending 2 years in ns and completing my masters. and i dont think i can travel so much. its alright, because i am happy for them, as long as they upload photos where i can also enjoy the sights from across the universe, albeit through a screen.

in summary,

thanks for the memories.

sleepless

it's past 1am where i am and i cannot seem to get to sleep. tossing and turning for an hour made me foam, even though i enjoy lazing on the bed. that happy feeling probably comes in the day when i dont want to get up, not from when i cannot get to sleep. i think its the tea i drank during lunch. it was fragrant and potent. i always knew that i had a low tolerance for caffeine, but i didnt realise chinese tea had caffeine. but now i know. wikipedia.

extended my mc by 2 weeks. which makes me happy. i guess i am recovering pretty much normally and the specialist is just having me visit him more by putting my appointments every fortnight and extending my mc from appointment to appointment. he probably knows that i will get too slack to turn up otherwise. i hope i can at least get 1 more extension so that i am at the market average.

this is the life man. with the 2 more weeks it makes 6 consecutive weeks of slacking. which is by far the longest trot since secondary school. i have never felt less guilty watching tv half the day, and i thank providence for cable tv. history channel, discovery turbo, mtv and the 800 series and more. i have hardly left my house since my surgery, but through facebook i have come to enjoy the beautiful sceneries that litter europe and the perverse games of local uni orientations. i have also caught up with all my friends i cherish much. and nothing is more divine than the knowledge that these decadent days chip away at my ns liability, which is down into the last 160 days, including the weekends, public holidays and my 14 days of leave. and assorted offs and stuffs. haha.

this blissful state of nature will make my return to camp agonizing. but before that it has put my life out of whack. i sleep around midnight and wake up at 10am. and even reading has become a chore, and i no longer have the discipline to hit the basic french book. my mind has come to lust for simple, direct and available pleasures, no longer will it work for the sublime, higher pleasures, like from reading or something. because to convert and unify the impulses from reading has become too tough. and anyway the pleasure of french is not something quite tangible now. and french girls dont go to bed with you just because "voulez-vous coucher avec moi, ce soir" rolls of your tongue so easily.

i have been idling much and finding so much about myself, that i have become too weak and too pleasure seeking. and thats bad.

Good

there's no escape from reality

tomorrow i will hold for a draw and play for extratime.
or i will be prematurely in green.
and that sucks. so help me, God.