it was fun

Cambridge test yesterday, it was fun. and as expected, i flunked it! it was actually just math, but it is MATH! anyway, i was satisfied, at least i used paper from cambridge, i mean the real paper with the school crest on it. i wanted to bring it out to keep as it would probably be my only chance to use such paper... but it was not allowed.

four years back, i could work out 239081536 divide by 27984652 in a split of a second without a calculator. but yesterday, i spent like a million years trying to work out what is 3097 divided by 8092. life was tough.

my cambridge dream was gone. time to wake up. maybe it will be a bright morning!

i walk a lonely road

i should be mugging but i cannot seem to focus. not just because i am at home, but because of the mas round 2 i just went for. i know i screwed it up really bad, and if they dont pick me, they are doing the right thing.

turns out that only 8 progressed to the 2nd round, among them 4 including myself, from 4P. 6 rj 2 hwach. all of them were brilliant individuals. except me. you have juanha, yongjin?, shida, shenghao, charles, and kuangli from hwach and another guy.

i didnt do too good in the discussion. i have never been good at this kind of imaginary situation. truth be told, if i had to choose people for the silly fallout shelter, i will just hurl myself off a cliff and meet my maker.

i just died for the psycho test. psycho testing is my weak suit. surrounded by godlike people, i was a complete idiot. my complete lack of speed was made more obvious by shida n juanha sitting to my left and across me. and then i made it worse when i had to clarify some instruction during the test. which was foamy. cos the section only has 3 mins or sth.

so i am screwed. the 2nd round is basically atest on academic prowess and intellect. i have neither. i have not been numismatic, and i have never been good at inverting or flipping nonsense like Rs. of course, i have never been fast, because for most exams, slow and steady wins the race, and i always dallied.

it was made much worse by the fact that every 5 sec my life flashed in front of me. here i was sitting in a conference room with 7 godlike individuals, making a fool of myself as i try to get the job and career that i have dreamt of since i started secondary school. i worked hard at school, i tried to go for cca, i hit my testimonials, and i got past the first round, and i see myself wasting away all i have done in those 3, 3, 4, 5, 6 mins. my mind raised furiously, but it just wasnt up to the task. i am not cut out with a good brain.

during the first round i emphasized that i think i am a prime choice because of the strength of my character, not because of my omnipotent mental faculty. i told them of the grit, determination and passion running through my veins, not the mathematical formulae that run along juanha's fingertips. but obviously it wont matter no more, because the second round is all about the atas, and compared to all those assembled it is apparent, and without a doubt that i am in a league of my own. if they are the english premier league, i am the sunday school field league for football ahpeks. i didnt dazzle with speed with precision with anything. but i distinguished myself with my abject stupidity and ineptness.

i got past the first round because i brought some knowledge and intense interest in banking. i could,because i was born into it. i was born to do it, or so i demonstrated, but hey, these brilliant young men, btw, all were dudes, no dudettes, could easily pick up all this stuff. it wasnt because i was good, i was because i was from a somewhat lucky sperm club.

i can accept it if they dont pick me. they should pick scholars, not losers. and i want scholars of the highest caliber to entrust my money and my economy with. from this alone, i know i deserve the cut. i still feel that psychometric assessments are not fair, but this completely doesnt matter, because it is the best method of testing. it isnt completely fair, but it is the fairest. to paraphrase, it is the worst form of assessment except all others.

so i am crushed. as i came along home, i was looking into the future. what used to be a nice comfy job in a nice comfy office with a nice car and nice house has now become an empty space. maybe a blackhole. nothing escapes it. no light. nothing. it is so dense, because i am going to be so dense and so hopeless a failure. i am going to be wasted. all that i have done, to naught. it pains me as the loser in an all pay auction. i worked, i moved, i positioned myself. i slogged, i piahed, i took pain. but then in just one morning, this faithful morning, i throw it all away. it is right for them not to pick me, i cannot even be entrusted to make good mine own life. much less that of others. i am screwed. so how am i going to be able to apply to any other scholarship?

i have a letter from caas. but now i wonder.

antidepressants

this is the worst of times. in the library just now i really, really felt like dying.

all alone on the 2nd floor of the library with nobody in sight, piles of books and notes in front of me. the library was freezing. even with my jacket i was shivering. my fingers were cold and my palms were blue. nary a ray of natural light.

to compound the problem, got banged by complex number. no matter how i do it, i get it wrong. i always use the wrong method, and in the rare occurence that i get the method right id probably bungle up the steps. add to this that the a levels is in hardly 10 days. and ive forgotten most of my physics and my econs revision is nonsense.

i actually entertained the thought that rj might be so poorly built that the library will suddenly collapse and consume all in it. sometimes when i come out from the toilet, instead of turning left i want to turn right, go on the bridge and plunge down and away from all the nonsense. away from complex numbers and probability. away from ketones and transition metals. away from all the crap.

so i can go meet my maker. because i have got enough of this world. and this life.

i yearn for yesterday once more.

about the art exhibition

it has come to my attention that some members of the art club were quite unhappy about my post. after reading the post myself, i have edited it, and i unreservedly apologize if i was overly critical or if i did not understand exactly what the work was about. although i still feel that if one has to go through all those storyboards to understand the piece at all, then it cant be too fantastic a piece of art.

if i had offended anyone with that post, i really am very sorry. please forgive me by that i have not received any formal instruction in art so i probably deal with art with my baser emotions. so i might not have responded as i should or as was intended, and i am sorry. and i should not have made any homsexual references because it is very inaccurate and unfair to the guy in question. no malice intended.

i know i am slow

but hey, now i know whats a MILF!!

because the red indians are gathering lots of wood

its going to be a cold, cold, cold winter.

the next 2 weeks seem so long, yet so short.
so much to do, so little time. so much to revise, so little motivation. so much hinges on the a levels, yet so little effort goes into preparing for it. yet i cannot wait for the a levels, to get over with physics chem math and econs and get myself my life back.

they say that luck is what you make out of it.

all i know is, i really need lots of luck if i were to get the marks i need to secure any decent university place.

i yearn for normalcy. the normalcy of ri. life before the prc infestation. life before pw, life before mongrels. life before all this nonsense. but then soon after i will stop being don tan and become K L TAN. to you to me to everyone.

i am freaking out. depressed. i need help. somebody save me.

what's tinklefriend's number?

it doesnt feel like the a levels is slightly over 2 weeks away. somehow i dont feel that sense of urgency that i felt for prelims. mugging has been totally fked. like today i depressed around for most of the morning and then didnt do any proper work in the afternoon. stats look so foreign to me, i didnt know half the stuff i was reading. i took 1 hour to go through S4B, and i bet if u asked me about it tomorrow i cant even remember. i studied econs just a few days ago, but i cannot remember much about it either. chemistry, hopefully still have some inkling of what i am doing. but im always lousy at explanation questions.

tomorrow i had better mug hard and this weekend really must make up for all the lost time this week. this week has been quite productive until the afternoon before my interview lol. maybe the interview really distracted me a lot. and probably cos my notes are strewn all over i really dont want to go around picking stuff up.

ri secondary really sounds stupid. they should wake up their idea.

and after considering the role of mas as a regulator, i have decided that hey, those old folks who poured their life savings into minibonds should be rescued because seriously they didnt know what they were getting in to, and the regulator probably didnt do a good job in regulating the toxic byproduct of excessive competition among banks.

felicity

they are a well efficient government body. and i am really extremely stressed. tomorrow decides for me my fate. really.

i am crossing my fingers.

givememorerope

it's been 2 years.

the interview looks to be harrowing. firstly, people like shida decide to submit all his ct results. just to make me look bad with my total tally of 13As 10Bs 2Cs. fks. serious la. 44.5%ile. wah all my percentiles seriously quite foamy. and anyway its no A for econs. ever. before.

econs mugging has been going nowhere. somehow i keep questioning the question. pretty easily distracted even without pretty girls in sight. haiz.

ri and rjc are merging and they are now called ri. its a good thing that they dont rename it something silly like what happened to the chinese high. but i hope they dont screw it up with ri (college) and ri (secondary). anyway all the ri secondary students end up in ri college so i dont think they should bother with this nonsense.

we all know who plastic bag will support

that's pussy

farewell assembly was pussy. it wasnt very nice sitting around with queer guys who just keep camwhoring and getting in your way. fk man. the certificate was pussy, but heck, its the first time i have ever gotten any decent thing from rjc. i mean, with my lack of aptitude in everything, i didnt expect anything. ya, i know more than 1/3 of the school got it, and among them, many got 2,3 one man even 5. but hey, something is better than nothing ya.

the art exhibition was nice. i liked joshuas yongfengs ians and benedicts. and isit lorraine. all really nice. but i dont think its worth the effort. sacrificing mugging time and rest time for weeks and weeks on end before the prelims. art should at most be a hobby at this stage, and it is really subjective and difficult to seal the grade. and i think some people are just not cut out for art. just dont have the dexterity of managing the materials. i thought lc's sucked. who cant cut an edge of an acrylic cube give the right tools? her exhibit was as outstanding as the minimalist plastic stools for people to view the video right beside hers. and then the foamer who put up the freaking small display of letters and stamps. snap my dick. cant even spell properly. probably too clever for his own good. i thought the fashion design was morbid and the material was disgusting. but the pictures were not too bad. overall i enjoyed myself.

mugging makes for crazy people. talked cock with ali and royce and lenny and christy and yiheng, which was real fun stuff especially when everyone was spitting on something or someone. royce was real funny, especially when he said he will step in to end the debate on who's smarter, of christy and yiheng. with 5As, plaque and gupta, probably in the best position to stop them. haha. and talking about university studies became a talk about gynecology and mona lisa in the bedroom. basically, marcus said that seeing pussies all day make you enjoy pussies less. its probably true, but i dont think having sex once a year would be any good. maybe thats what he will do with his wife. but hey, thats why affairs are so alluring, the forbidden fruit. and then talking about universities with royce and lenny became a discussion on academics and pussies who dream too big and spitting on pussies by the 2 realmen. and then it moved on to achievements, and then to girlfriends or the lack thereof and how best to get a girlfriend. we digress alot.

just 3 weeks to a levels, and im still foaming at all my subjects. seriously i dont know how im going to remember the last 2 years by, other than failures and disappointment. and slogging.

MIL-F

i think one of the best things daojie has done for himself is get himself a good girlfriend. happy birthday daojie.

---

life is wanky. died for mathmock. after going without math for 2 weeks, was damn rusty. slow, and couldnt really hump it. what about i foamed the vectors question with my brilliant 4^2=18? and i just got tricked by integration. mental assault.

---

spitting is in full swing. juanha was spitting on jc econs and how jc econs is taught. now lenny spits on engineering too. and then mark spits on my pussy deans list count. fk everyone is spitting on someone or something. and, stop rubbing it in if u know u double, triple, quadruple or quintuple my deans list count. because it doesnt feel good.

---

tomorrow is farewell assembly. 2 years have sprinted past, and i have probably been exposed to more disappointment in the 2 short years than the previous 16 in my life. within and without academics. i just hope that after tomorrow, i will be less distracted, and focus more and better on acing my As.

auspicium melioris aevi.

"she definitely has to go (for physics mock), hello?!"

the spitting culture has to stop. it is getting really unhealthy. the College is supposed to be a place of learning and progress as a group with the students as more or less one monolithic corps. the stronger students are to help the weaker students along and they should all live happily ever after. but nope, because somehow spitting has come to College and looks like its here to stay.

because cool guys do most of the spitting, and unless you are the last student in school, you can probably find someone to spit on, something to spit at, whether it be about results or the lack of hair. everyone is along the Spitting Order, and once the vicious circle is catalyzed by a set of pussy marks, it takes very long to taper out. exactly the same as shifting AE in a keynesian cross. and the bloody graph is real elastic.

the prevalence of groupspit has exacerbated the problem. calling people pussies is no longer acceptable; nasty justifications have become mandatory. and these justifications make the spit more acidic and more hurtful. egos get digested by higher egos, and spit piles up right at the lowest rung of the College Ladder.

It is sad, really. Higher rungs should thank lower rungs for being fillers, but the higher rungs dont think so and probably believe that they got up there because they have a God-given right. you know, dieu et mon droit. and then it comes along from the fount which provides them with their good fortune, the right to spit on mere plebians for existing, for being themselves and for breathing.

really, its unhealthy. spitting is unhealthy. spitting on others and partaking in groupspit is unhealthier. it is sad really, that College students are engaging in such damaging acts. but nothing can be helped. because meritocracy's underbelly is spitting. and because the highest echelons do it, the blind followers in the middle rungs find their place by following the sterling example and then spit down the ladder.

this must stop. seriously. lets kick condescension out of the College.

problem gamblers are lousy gamblers

there is no denying of this fact. gambling is a skills, and the existence of game theory and calculation of risk clearly and completely validates it. plus, in some gay endgames, you take the risk of hoping that your opponent is too blind or too dumb to notice your funky endgame. so stop spitting on gambling, spit on bad gamblers. bad luck comes around to them because they are just lousy gamblers.

on luck, i have decided that sons are a sign of good karma. because sons can help carry the family name. it is important. dont listen to girls who tell you otherwise. if u have all girls, u better hope ur ancestors dont all go stab ur dick or something. but if u have all girls then u better love them and make the best of it.

getting your family name on by having the male change his surname doesnt work, because the offspring doesnt belong to the patrilineal lucky sperm club. and if ur daughter can marry such a guy, she is probably running herself into a wall because the guy is spineless.

we all know tt its not good to have no sons. if we is married in the first place. and of course, if we is have a whole litter of daughters, its better than no daughters.

cinquecento

im way behind schedule. got depresed when i couldnt do 4 qns in a row, n then went on to watch stupid tv shows. been depressing around about the email. maybe they made a mistake and they decided im a wuss so they just kicks me from the list.

artattack!

hahaha. i watched an episode of it on youtube. reminds me of the good old days in p4 when i kept watching all these silly shows on kidscentral before it was known as kc. yea. i remember it was at 4pm on mondays. and then i would go do homework for 1/2 hr before watching the repeats on channel 8. haha. life was good then. it was like, reach home around 130, bathe, eat lunch, watch tv. sometimes if i get home early i watched days of our lives. and then around that time there would be some repeats of comedies, like poyintai. and then go wank around and read newspaper until its tv time again.

life rocked.

now life sucks. just sucks sucks sucks. im only living because i hope that life will be better after the As. i think i see the light at the end of this damp tunnel. and i hope its not a bloody mirage.

depression is contagious

life is tough.
because

chem is tough.

now im wondering how im going to get a for chem.

the thing is

good defenders and midfielders are very important. good dribbling, crossing and tackling are all very important too. good looks and good footwork and the ability to bend it like beckham are pluses. mourinho is +0.0025. solid defence is important, solid passing is also very important. shots at goal are bloody important too. but. what matters, is not how good the dribbling crossing tackling are, or how many shots at goal.

what matters is how many of those tackles become passes and become shots at goal that become goals.

life's like that. what matters isnt how close you get, but whether you get there.

getting 100m from shore is no better than getting stranded 1000m from shore. ur still stranded. getting 69 is as good as getting 65 or 50 or 30. ur still a foamer.

and im feeling sick that i havent gotten the email!!!

foamers

i understand the concerns, and i also understand the principalagent problem. but seriously, caveat emptor. im quite sure they those people who bought into minibonds n highnote5 didnt walk into them blind. and they probably shouldnt be puerile that they dont know the basic principle of high risk, high return. walau, if low risk high return, why the hell will i need u to invest man, i will just invest in it and reap the gains by myself. why share man. bet all these faggots trying to pull a fast one. in good times, they never ever complain about caveat emptor man.

wall street is also foaming around, and somehow it reminds me of game theory.

another nsman died, well, nothing we can do about it. hopefully i will ord in 2 years time in one full well piece. i dont like to be myself a contributor to such a morbid statistic. because im too young to die. and i dont think dying will running 2.4 or doing chinups is attractive.

geochallenge

my new goal in life is to rape geo challenge!

on top of something less achievable, like straight As for A levels.

in fact, the new goal jeopardizes the old.

especially when u consider that im already very easily distracted.

if only I could write this well. always.

There was a time when people believed that the Sun and stars revolved
around the Earth. Of course, now we know that the Earth is not the
center of the universe, or even the center of our little solar system.
In the somewhat more recent past, economists thought that the
non-financial sector in a modern economy revolved around financial
markets, despite the facts that only 4 percent of the workforce was
employed in the financial sector (including insurance and real
estate), and even today that sector employs only 6 percent of the
total. President Bush and supporters of the recent massive Wall Street
bailout plan still believe Wall Street to be the center of the entire
economy.

Economic research over the last couple of decades rejects this belief.
It has shown that the financial and non-financial sectors experience
quite independent changes, especially over the short and medium term.
Take for example the promised yield on the best commercial paper.
Fluctuations in this yield are critically important to persons in the
financial sector (such as money market traders), but have hardly
anything to do with activity outside of that sector. Since World War
II, the correlation between the inflation-adjusted commercial paper
yield and subsequent inflation-adjusted growth of GDP per capita is
zero. That is, GDP growth has been high following high yields just as
often as it has been low. It is equally hard to detect a correlation
between stock returns, long term bond returns, or commodity returns
and subsequent GDP growth. Quite simply, history has shown that the
non-financial sector can do well when the financial sector does
poorly, and vice versa.

In order to find good predictors of non-financial sector performance,
and GDP growth generally, we look to the non-financial sector itself.
One of those predictors is the profitability of non-financial capital,
or the "marginal product of capital" as we economists call it. The
marginal product of capital after-tax is a measure of how much profit
(revenue net of variable costs and taxes) that each unit of capital is
producing during, say, the last year. When the marginal product of
capital after-tax is above average, subsequent rates of economic
growth (and subsequent marginal products of capital) also tend to be
above average.

Since World War II, the marginal product of capital after-tax averaged
between 7 and 8 percent per year. During 2007 and the first half of
2008 – exactly the time when financial markets had been spooked by oil
price spikes and housing price crashes – the marginal product had been
over 10 percent per year: far above the historical average. Compare
this to the marginal product of capital in 1930-33 (the years of
Depression-era bank panics): 0.5 percentage points per year less than
the postwar years and significantly less than in 1929. The marginal
product of capital was also below average prior to the 1982 recession
(in this case, far below average) and prior to the 2001 recession.
Thus, the surprise was not that GDP continued to grow 2007-8 despite
the bleak outlook from Wall Street's corner of the world, but that GDP
growth failed to be significantly above the average. More important
from today's perspective is that much capital in America continues to
be productive, and that this will likely permit Americans to advance
their living standards as they have in years past. The non-financial
sector today looks nothing like it did in 1930.

The weak correlation between asset prices and non-financial sector
performance and the strong profitability of today's non-financial
capital are two good reasons to scoff at the idea that the
non-financial sector will collapse because of the recent events on
Wall Street, and even better reasons to scoff at the
Bernanke-Paulson-Bush idea that a massive bailout of financial firms
is the key to avoiding a non-financial collapse. Wall Street's woes
are and will be largely limited to Wall Street. The Bush
administration should not use the power of the IRS to force the rest
of us to board Wall Street's sinking ship.

Of course, six percent of the workforce is bigger than zero, so a Wall
Street mess has indirect effects on the non-financial sector as it
absorbs former Wall Street employees and finds alternatives to the
financial services Wall Street once provided. But, as long as the
government does not get in the way, the marketplace will quickly react
to provide the non-financial sector with financial services, even if
the main players in that marketplace are no longer named Lehman,
Merrill, or Goldman. There are two basic obstacles that Washington
might create in this process, both of which are included in the
Bernanke-Paulson-Bush proposal. One is to pile on regulation and
further impede entry by new firms that might provide financial
services to the non-financial sector in the years ahead. The second is
to impose a heavy tax burden on the non-financial sector to pay for
Wall Street subsidies. The Treasury and the Fed should let Wall Street
drown alone, to be replaced by new financial service providers who can
swim as robustly as are non-financial American businesses.
http://caseymulligan.blogspot.com/2008/09/wall-street-will-drown-alone.html