Wednesday, June 30, 2010
there's no escape from reality
tomorrow i will hold for a draw and play for extratime.
or i will be prematurely in green.
and that sucks. so help me, God.
or i will be prematurely in green.
and that sucks. so help me, God.
Thursday, June 24, 2010
ma vie
there is much to learn when on hospitalization leave. hospitalization is really quite long, and after the first week or so, quite pleasurable, because hurting your sore spot takes conscious effort and there really isnt much normal range of activity that is unachievable. in my case now, i can walk about without much discernable limp but i cannot run, which is just fine, because i live in a small house with no garden maze. in a nutshell the quality of life is quite high, especially when compared with the life you would otherwise be leading.
waking up for numerous consecutive days with natural light streaming in is something i have not experienced in years. when i stayed in, reveille was invariably before 0600, and because singapore shifted the time to keep consistent with malaysia, it is never even close to sunrise. i remember it is wayy before standto time. now that i stay out, i get up by 0630 to make it to camp on time. which was about the time i arose while studying all the way in bishan. weekends, i usually do not get to wake up naturally because my parents are about and i need to go out with them to run errands and stuff. its only now when theres no one to bother me that i can so fully indulge myself.
the past fortnight i have awoken between 0800 and 1000 every morning, with the sunlight streaming in through the frosted windows, bathing everything in a nice warm shade that reminds me of hash brown. its great to start the day thinking of food. hmm. lingering in bed for that little while is so divine. before this indulgence, i never truly appreciated the smoothness of the false ceiling, the perfect curvature of the light cover and the way curves and points come together to make the cornices beautiful. and the fact that i can actually see all of these without my glasses, which have been an almost inseparable part of me since i started schooling. it is these little things that make life more pleasant and the world more liveable.
there comes a stage, like now, when reading ceases to be a joy. i make it a point to read daily to keep weevils from attacking my brain. and its a chore. after the papers and a chapter or so of the leviathan, i get sick of reading. the words are quite too small and the language too difficult. the writers are too verbose in a time when attention spans are as short as japanese penises. it is difficult to understand what motivates the journalists to substitute long, unwieldly, multi-part sentences for short, stubby and easily understandable ones. and i hate how facts and figures are scattered through out articles without discernable purpose. and it sickens me that my mind has become such a porous sieve that i cant hold the numbers in for long. my mind is weak.
i used to enjoy reading but now i just prefer daydreaming. it is easier. i choose my hobbies by what provided entertainment that demanded minimal effort and i settled on reading relatively easily. my parents sent me for music lessons when i was young. it was the 'in' thing then, just like getting fetuses listen to mozart was the 'in' thing just 2 years ago. they sent me to yamaha, in clementi central, near where i stayed at that time. it was unpleasant. i remember it was a class of 20 odd kids who were mostly older than me and the teacher sucked at english at a time when i sucked at chinese so most of the time i had no idea what was going on in class. one would expect music teachers to be pleasant people with mild temper, but this was one crazy bitch perenially on heat. she would go up to everyone and ask them why they hadnt practised enough, and in my case why i didnt practise at all. at that time i didnt have an electone yet, but it wouldnt have made a difference because i believed then as i believe now that it was such a chore for me to play the piano, i should just earn some money and pay people toplay it for me if i ever became crazy for music. and i couldnt sightread then just as i cannot sightread now. the 2 bars make me confused. on top of it yamaha smelt like piss. so i couldnt stand that place. i did so badly in one of the tests that i didnt even get my name on the result rolls. then i quit happily. i have never been good at music, and i cannot play the piano, the guitar or even the humble recorder.
unlike most boys my age i dont play computer games, save a few like bejeweled blitz and minesweeper flag to kill time. the computergame bug bit most people when i was in lower primary but i was immune to it because i didnt owna computer until primary 4 and i didnt have internet access until about primary 5. so i started late at neopets, a game which has an important place in my heart until today even though i sucked so bad at it it took me about 2 years to make 1million neopoints and soon after my account got frozen for some ridiculous reason. but i didnt breathe neopets like the rest of them because i was busying myself reading erotica online, which i accidentally found while doing legit research.
anyway my first trip to a lan shop happened when i was sec 3, when i went there with my class. i got killed so quickly and so often by those unkind people that i got sick. but that didnt stop me from going to lan with them again, and again, and again, but lanning was for me more of a social thing than a thing i really enjoy doing. and for a period i did play gunbound, again later than most, but after that my laptop fried and i have never played since. anyway losing pisses me off so i dont see how it can be leisurely doing something that pisses me off.
i dont play sports because i was asthmatic and i didnt like to get dirty. nan hua was a horrible school with a horrible field that was waterlogged at least half the year maybe because the principal was planting rice in an effort to save money on dinner so she can buy more koi for the school pond. anyway recess was usually 30mins long and the teachers never release the students on time and the students have to gather back 5 mins to the end of recess so you have time to get dirty but no time for the fun.
ok thats an exaggeration because there was capteh, but with my poor psychomotor skills i was really not good at it. for one period they allowed us to play on the assembly area, which was made of composite incinerated rubbish. we kicked pet drink bottles about, but then they banned playing with rubbish and then they banned running on the assembly area because the ground was real rough and when you fell you would get n*raw skin all over. and the school was too pathetic to teach you to be man about your injuries and too pathetic to get a school nurse to clean your damned wounds.
i played chinese chess a lot, but then most of my friends sucked at it after losing 4 or 5 times they went back to capteh. or 5 stones. or hopscotch wtf. but i played chinese chess a lot in ri and the memories of transfer chess in 3p4p still brings a smile to my face. we used to play until quite late on the days when we were free, i remember those halcyon days.
but one cannot count on activities that require the participation of others, especially since my brother was usually at tuition or school or in camp when i was free after school. tv programs used to suck a lot in the afternoon, because i have no cable and people too poor for cable dont deserve quality programs in the afternoon. i enjoyed art attack, mr men show, tmnt reruns and dragonland, but little more. anything else would probably be shit.
so i read, since books were free. at that time we were still too poor to subscribe to the newspaper, but it wasnt much harm since the newspapers quite rubbish too. i guess i have boredom to thank for me reading the tale of two cities and introduction to corporate law and romance of the 3 kingdoms and water margin in primary school. and i have reading to thank that i had a functional command of english even though i came from a school where even the principal had problem spelling and thought that the spellcheck function was cheating her.
i read quite voraciously before i got addicted to some other entertainment from which i could derive more instant pleasure. but i still read, mostly nonfiction because i became interested in things that actually happen instead of the imagination of others, since i can also imagine damn well myself. i am always imagining things and my dreams are always so lucid.
but now i have become a little sick of reading already. i dont know what is happening to me.
waking up for numerous consecutive days with natural light streaming in is something i have not experienced in years. when i stayed in, reveille was invariably before 0600, and because singapore shifted the time to keep consistent with malaysia, it is never even close to sunrise. i remember it is wayy before standto time. now that i stay out, i get up by 0630 to make it to camp on time. which was about the time i arose while studying all the way in bishan. weekends, i usually do not get to wake up naturally because my parents are about and i need to go out with them to run errands and stuff. its only now when theres no one to bother me that i can so fully indulge myself.
the past fortnight i have awoken between 0800 and 1000 every morning, with the sunlight streaming in through the frosted windows, bathing everything in a nice warm shade that reminds me of hash brown. its great to start the day thinking of food. hmm. lingering in bed for that little while is so divine. before this indulgence, i never truly appreciated the smoothness of the false ceiling, the perfect curvature of the light cover and the way curves and points come together to make the cornices beautiful. and the fact that i can actually see all of these without my glasses, which have been an almost inseparable part of me since i started schooling. it is these little things that make life more pleasant and the world more liveable.
there comes a stage, like now, when reading ceases to be a joy. i make it a point to read daily to keep weevils from attacking my brain. and its a chore. after the papers and a chapter or so of the leviathan, i get sick of reading. the words are quite too small and the language too difficult. the writers are too verbose in a time when attention spans are as short as japanese penises. it is difficult to understand what motivates the journalists to substitute long, unwieldly, multi-part sentences for short, stubby and easily understandable ones. and i hate how facts and figures are scattered through out articles without discernable purpose. and it sickens me that my mind has become such a porous sieve that i cant hold the numbers in for long. my mind is weak.
i used to enjoy reading but now i just prefer daydreaming. it is easier. i choose my hobbies by what provided entertainment that demanded minimal effort and i settled on reading relatively easily. my parents sent me for music lessons when i was young. it was the 'in' thing then, just like getting fetuses listen to mozart was the 'in' thing just 2 years ago. they sent me to yamaha, in clementi central, near where i stayed at that time. it was unpleasant. i remember it was a class of 20 odd kids who were mostly older than me and the teacher sucked at english at a time when i sucked at chinese so most of the time i had no idea what was going on in class. one would expect music teachers to be pleasant people with mild temper, but this was one crazy bitch perenially on heat. she would go up to everyone and ask them why they hadnt practised enough, and in my case why i didnt practise at all. at that time i didnt have an electone yet, but it wouldnt have made a difference because i believed then as i believe now that it was such a chore for me to play the piano, i should just earn some money and pay people toplay it for me if i ever became crazy for music. and i couldnt sightread then just as i cannot sightread now. the 2 bars make me confused. on top of it yamaha smelt like piss. so i couldnt stand that place. i did so badly in one of the tests that i didnt even get my name on the result rolls. then i quit happily. i have never been good at music, and i cannot play the piano, the guitar or even the humble recorder.
unlike most boys my age i dont play computer games, save a few like bejeweled blitz and minesweeper flag to kill time. the computergame bug bit most people when i was in lower primary but i was immune to it because i didnt owna computer until primary 4 and i didnt have internet access until about primary 5. so i started late at neopets, a game which has an important place in my heart until today even though i sucked so bad at it it took me about 2 years to make 1million neopoints and soon after my account got frozen for some ridiculous reason. but i didnt breathe neopets like the rest of them because i was busying myself reading erotica online, which i accidentally found while doing legit research.
anyway my first trip to a lan shop happened when i was sec 3, when i went there with my class. i got killed so quickly and so often by those unkind people that i got sick. but that didnt stop me from going to lan with them again, and again, and again, but lanning was for me more of a social thing than a thing i really enjoy doing. and for a period i did play gunbound, again later than most, but after that my laptop fried and i have never played since. anyway losing pisses me off so i dont see how it can be leisurely doing something that pisses me off.
i dont play sports because i was asthmatic and i didnt like to get dirty. nan hua was a horrible school with a horrible field that was waterlogged at least half the year maybe because the principal was planting rice in an effort to save money on dinner so she can buy more koi for the school pond. anyway recess was usually 30mins long and the teachers never release the students on time and the students have to gather back 5 mins to the end of recess so you have time to get dirty but no time for the fun.
ok thats an exaggeration because there was capteh, but with my poor psychomotor skills i was really not good at it. for one period they allowed us to play on the assembly area, which was made of composite incinerated rubbish. we kicked pet drink bottles about, but then they banned playing with rubbish and then they banned running on the assembly area because the ground was real rough and when you fell you would get n*raw skin all over. and the school was too pathetic to teach you to be man about your injuries and too pathetic to get a school nurse to clean your damned wounds.
i played chinese chess a lot, but then most of my friends sucked at it after losing 4 or 5 times they went back to capteh. or 5 stones. or hopscotch wtf. but i played chinese chess a lot in ri and the memories of transfer chess in 3p4p still brings a smile to my face. we used to play until quite late on the days when we were free, i remember those halcyon days.
but one cannot count on activities that require the participation of others, especially since my brother was usually at tuition or school or in camp when i was free after school. tv programs used to suck a lot in the afternoon, because i have no cable and people too poor for cable dont deserve quality programs in the afternoon. i enjoyed art attack, mr men show, tmnt reruns and dragonland, but little more. anything else would probably be shit.
so i read, since books were free. at that time we were still too poor to subscribe to the newspaper, but it wasnt much harm since the newspapers quite rubbish too. i guess i have boredom to thank for me reading the tale of two cities and introduction to corporate law and romance of the 3 kingdoms and water margin in primary school. and i have reading to thank that i had a functional command of english even though i came from a school where even the principal had problem spelling and thought that the spellcheck function was cheating her.
i read quite voraciously before i got addicted to some other entertainment from which i could derive more instant pleasure. but i still read, mostly nonfiction because i became interested in things that actually happen instead of the imagination of others, since i can also imagine damn well myself. i am always imagining things and my dreams are always so lucid.
but now i have become a little sick of reading already. i dont know what is happening to me.
Sunday, June 20, 2010
odyssey
sometimes, like now, i get headaches so bad i need to get my hands on a chainsaw, split open my skull and find out the problem that lies within. maybe it was the alcohol overload from friday. for some curious reason i didnt get flushed or rashes, but i have had this floaty feeling in my head all day. this is worrying. im supposed to like all things french... tough. my friends in medicine say that there are no nerve endings in the brain, so why do i feel the pain? maybe its from someplace else but the pain seems to be radiating from within the skull. and paracetamol and sleep only do that much. the pain just comes and comes again. sick.
maybe i need to do something to get my blood moving about. i havent really moved much since my friday appointment. which is tough. my knee is about fine now, except i cant flex it more than pi/2 radians. ive been walking a bit, but excessive walking increases inflammation. my knee is already swollen. damns. i try to move my upper body more, but i get lazy quickly.
maybe i lack sunlight. i need more sunlight for vitamin d. but ive been living like a vampire and i avoid the sun like a plague. i dont like feeling sunburnt and whenever i stay in the sun for too long i get bad migraines. under the midday sun, on an average day, too long is about 10mins. which isnt very long. and i dont want to get skin cancer. im on tretinoin. maybe i will get some sunlight tomorrow morning. when the rays seem gentler.
but by the time i wake up it is about 930, then i will laze around, catch up where i left off the night before on theleviathan or something, channel surf and fall on ellen and then i get captivated by it so much that by the time i switch of the aircon and take a bath and walk downstairs to get the papers and take some pills it is already almost noon. and then the sun would be beating down so bad only those laborers would dare to stand outside the shade. sometimes it is so damned hot i can even feel the heat wave wafting about me.
even worse, since i am home along, save the maid, i will be having lunch alone and when i have lunch alone, i have it in front of the tv. and at lunch time they play some Ask the Doctors show. and then there are all sorts of people with all sorts of problems coming on tv to ask these doctors about all sorts of problems, from hpv, to genital warts, to infertility to hairiness to balding and whatever comes in between and obesity and cancer and the like. then i feel like i exhibit all the symptoms of some problem and then i get a little worried about it. i dismiss it like i dismiss the results of stupid facebook quizzes, because these results are so damned general theres a 50% chance one will fit in 80% of the time. im good at statistics.
then after lunch, instead of joining an orgy inside the yellow box to enjoy a smoke like those buggers in camp, i trudge up and switch on my computer and check my email. before i even get to reading some intellectual stuffs by sowden facebook loads and i engage in what has become my latest hobby of facebook stalking. theres always something new for at least the first hour or so, since i have many friends who get public with their lives to satisfy the perverse cravings of people like me. i like how its university orientation now and there are so many photoalbums that are worthy of close examination. some girls are actually really really hot!
soon i finish up with all the links from the feeds. and out of guilt i read some emails, shoot off some emails to my liaison officer to show that im actually deserving of some taxpayers money. then im back on facebook. you know how facebook is full of timesapping games like farmville or hotel city? i dont play a single one. because my computer sucks the graphics always lag. and my friends are way ahead of the curve i dont like to play catch up. i hate sucking even at games, and i hate how facebook ranks friends so everyone of my 510 friends can see that im a noob if they go onto the game. but restraint fails where bejeweled blitz begins. it is a fun game, if quite retarded. it strains my eyes, tires me out, so that by 4pm i find myself on the bed again, staring into the ceiling.
all along the side, i am chatting with friends on msn. i like to chat with friends on msn. because at least i still have friends and they are kind enough to humor me by sustaining the conversation. and sometimes we discuss important global issues like politicization of religion and womens place in society. real important stuffs that would confront probable future policymakers like me. after i am done carrying bags, of course. most of the time we just discuss about chiobus and fantasize about stuffs. it is pleasurable, and it makes my days pass better and faster.
of course i also watch stupid videos, funny videos and the like on youtube and other freesites. i dont watch movies cos the screen is small and i lose focus quickly. and of course my internet sucks so streaming is intermittent. it pisses me off when videos stop but i resist my temptation to slam the router into the cupboards across the room. it wont do any good, because routers dont become better through tough love like those korean schoolgirls, and the cupboards are quite far away across the room and i dont want to cause any collateral damage to the photframes that lie along the way. by the way the router was designed to look like a stingray and it looks like it is smiling at me. and that pisses me off sometimes.
on the subject of koreans. i think they are hot. i think i should also do a summer program in korea. ok, moving on, by the time i am done with meddling with stuff darkness falls. it gets quite dark around here because the streetlamps arent very bright and my neighborhood is probably full of gangland chiefs, white collar criminals and mistresses who go all out to protect their privacy their curtains are never drawn so no light streams onto the damned road. i am not like that. i keep my curtains drawn to ventilate the room because my aircon is spoilt and since everyone is minding his own business no one is going to mind mine. im not lady godiva riding naked through the streets anyway. which is good.
my parents work till late and i make it a point to have dinner with them. since i am home anyway. so after dinner we watch television, again and i watch and watch and watch. show after show after show. then i come online to disturb people again. at about 1130 i switch off the computer and try to sleep. but since ive already slept so much and i have not exhausted myself, physically or mentally, i cannot sleep. so i watch myself some tv until past midnight sometimes, and then i fall asleep.
and then the vicious circle starts again the next morning, except sometimes i wake up with a bad headache. sometimes, like now...
maybe i need to do something to get my blood moving about. i havent really moved much since my friday appointment. which is tough. my knee is about fine now, except i cant flex it more than pi/2 radians. ive been walking a bit, but excessive walking increases inflammation. my knee is already swollen. damns. i try to move my upper body more, but i get lazy quickly.
maybe i lack sunlight. i need more sunlight for vitamin d. but ive been living like a vampire and i avoid the sun like a plague. i dont like feeling sunburnt and whenever i stay in the sun for too long i get bad migraines. under the midday sun, on an average day, too long is about 10mins. which isnt very long. and i dont want to get skin cancer. im on tretinoin. maybe i will get some sunlight tomorrow morning. when the rays seem gentler.
but by the time i wake up it is about 930, then i will laze around, catch up where i left off the night before on theleviathan or something, channel surf and fall on ellen and then i get captivated by it so much that by the time i switch of the aircon and take a bath and walk downstairs to get the papers and take some pills it is already almost noon. and then the sun would be beating down so bad only those laborers would dare to stand outside the shade. sometimes it is so damned hot i can even feel the heat wave wafting about me.
even worse, since i am home along, save the maid, i will be having lunch alone and when i have lunch alone, i have it in front of the tv. and at lunch time they play some Ask the Doctors show. and then there are all sorts of people with all sorts of problems coming on tv to ask these doctors about all sorts of problems, from hpv, to genital warts, to infertility to hairiness to balding and whatever comes in between and obesity and cancer and the like. then i feel like i exhibit all the symptoms of some problem and then i get a little worried about it. i dismiss it like i dismiss the results of stupid facebook quizzes, because these results are so damned general theres a 50% chance one will fit in 80% of the time. im good at statistics.
then after lunch, instead of joining an orgy inside the yellow box to enjoy a smoke like those buggers in camp, i trudge up and switch on my computer and check my email. before i even get to reading some intellectual stuffs by sowden facebook loads and i engage in what has become my latest hobby of facebook stalking. theres always something new for at least the first hour or so, since i have many friends who get public with their lives to satisfy the perverse cravings of people like me. i like how its university orientation now and there are so many photoalbums that are worthy of close examination. some girls are actually really really hot!
soon i finish up with all the links from the feeds. and out of guilt i read some emails, shoot off some emails to my liaison officer to show that im actually deserving of some taxpayers money. then im back on facebook. you know how facebook is full of timesapping games like farmville or hotel city? i dont play a single one. because my computer sucks the graphics always lag. and my friends are way ahead of the curve i dont like to play catch up. i hate sucking even at games, and i hate how facebook ranks friends so everyone of my 510 friends can see that im a noob if they go onto the game. but restraint fails where bejeweled blitz begins. it is a fun game, if quite retarded. it strains my eyes, tires me out, so that by 4pm i find myself on the bed again, staring into the ceiling.
all along the side, i am chatting with friends on msn. i like to chat with friends on msn. because at least i still have friends and they are kind enough to humor me by sustaining the conversation. and sometimes we discuss important global issues like politicization of religion and womens place in society. real important stuffs that would confront probable future policymakers like me. after i am done carrying bags, of course. most of the time we just discuss about chiobus and fantasize about stuffs. it is pleasurable, and it makes my days pass better and faster.
of course i also watch stupid videos, funny videos and the like on youtube and other freesites. i dont watch movies cos the screen is small and i lose focus quickly. and of course my internet sucks so streaming is intermittent. it pisses me off when videos stop but i resist my temptation to slam the router into the cupboards across the room. it wont do any good, because routers dont become better through tough love like those korean schoolgirls, and the cupboards are quite far away across the room and i dont want to cause any collateral damage to the photframes that lie along the way. by the way the router was designed to look like a stingray and it looks like it is smiling at me. and that pisses me off sometimes.
on the subject of koreans. i think they are hot. i think i should also do a summer program in korea. ok, moving on, by the time i am done with meddling with stuff darkness falls. it gets quite dark around here because the streetlamps arent very bright and my neighborhood is probably full of gangland chiefs, white collar criminals and mistresses who go all out to protect their privacy their curtains are never drawn so no light streams onto the damned road. i am not like that. i keep my curtains drawn to ventilate the room because my aircon is spoilt and since everyone is minding his own business no one is going to mind mine. im not lady godiva riding naked through the streets anyway. which is good.
my parents work till late and i make it a point to have dinner with them. since i am home anyway. so after dinner we watch television, again and i watch and watch and watch. show after show after show. then i come online to disturb people again. at about 1130 i switch off the computer and try to sleep. but since ive already slept so much and i have not exhausted myself, physically or mentally, i cannot sleep. so i watch myself some tv until past midnight sometimes, and then i fall asleep.
and then the vicious circle starts again the next morning, except sometimes i wake up with a bad headache. sometimes, like now...
Saturday, June 19, 2010
those old men
when i grow old and lose my hair,
will i still be sprightly,
own a suit and be able to tie my own tie,
feed myself gracefully with chopsticks,
and talk
and recognize my friends?
only time knows.
the way those old men can go through the obituaries nonchalantly and point out their friends,
is heartwrenching.
more so when you knew these old men.
will i still be sprightly,
own a suit and be able to tie my own tie,
feed myself gracefully with chopsticks,
and talk
and recognize my friends?
only time knows.
the way those old men can go through the obituaries nonchalantly and point out their friends,
is heartwrenching.
more so when you knew these old men.
Friday, June 18, 2010
Thursday, June 17, 2010
Monday, June 14, 2010
imagine a world
where chiobus grow on trees like fruits.
and they are sold at $1 a piece.
and you can have as many as you want.
maybe you can even buy the chiobu tree.
and rear the kind of chiobu you want.
hmm.
and they are sold at $1 a piece.
and you can have as many as you want.
maybe you can even buy the chiobu tree.
and rear the kind of chiobu you want.
hmm.
Friday, June 11, 2010
im going to france!
it's friday again, and my first week of mc is over. im much better, but i seriously think that i need at least 1X good extension. 30 days, hopefully. aha. my medic friend told me some meniscus boy got 110 days, but thats just too godlike already. dont think im that skilled la.
got into sciences po, if my moms colleague, my friends and i didnt read the email wrongly. what a relief. now i dont have to study at sim. yay. except that its for the wrong year, 2010. have to go get it rectified to 2011, unless somehow i get to disrupt. which will be good. when i come back for the last 2 months of service i would be a general duties spec cos they wont bother enough to give me a store or make me do any real work. w00tw00t.
im really enjoying myself, even if i have to be on crutches. i guess the relief from securing my uni outstrips the pain. haha.
got into sciences po, if my moms colleague, my friends and i didnt read the email wrongly. what a relief. now i dont have to study at sim. yay. except that its for the wrong year, 2010. have to go get it rectified to 2011, unless somehow i get to disrupt. which will be good. when i come back for the last 2 months of service i would be a general duties spec cos they wont bother enough to give me a store or make me do any real work. w00tw00t.
im really enjoying myself, even if i have to be on crutches. i guess the relief from securing my uni outstrips the pain. haha.
Thursday, June 10, 2010
nothing on you
life is beautiful when you wake up at 9am in the morning blanketed in the sun's rays shining through the tinted glass windows. beautiful is the morning when after washing up you get back into bed to read books as the room slowly warms up again as the cold air escapes from a now opened door. an unrushed breakfast tasted by ready tastebuds, taken on porcelain plates with chocolate milk in a tasteful glass mug makes it all the better. the fact that lazing on the bed is not wasting 2 days of civilian freedom makes the day sweeter. ah, life is so divine. i love my mc and i need to get it extended.
there is no guilt to taking mc, really, because of the enjoyment accrued without associated loss. in school, you miss lessons, and you have to play catch up. no such thing now. you miss activities but you dont have to pay them back or play catch up. whats over is over as the countdown timer continues to tick towards the most important day of the 2 years of being a public good. with my free time, i have been engaging in rewarding activities, catching up on current affairs and reading social theories, things i havent been able to do in camp despite having chunks of free time because these times are interspersed with random chores that piss me off and break my chain of thought. when im doing serious reading, like i did just now on nu and whatever funny bloc in indonesia within which everyone was ahmad or muhd, i just switch off the phone and now as i progress deeper into my mc nobody calls me anymore, except for some storeman who enjoys talking to me, which is fine, really.
im really now making up for the june holidays of 2008 and 2007, times when i had to mug through the holidays because rj like quite a number of others put the common tests the week after the holidays. in jc1 hard work was required because the first 6 mths i didnt study i just played all the way and in jc2 because i focused on clearing ap and h3 in smu. unlike the hols of yore, i didnt get to go out to play, laze in bed till 9 or 10, watch tv all day and read comics. i woke up early to go to school to study. it was fun, especially when my friends joined me, and some days we fooled around more than we studied, but that nagging from within to get serious or flunk the test made sure it didnt feel like a real break. now im sleeping till 9 with a vengeance, watching ellen degeneres with a vengeance, playing bejeweled with a vengeance. LOL. the enjoyment of each unit of sleep, of stupid tv shows and of stupid games has been diminished, as we know, since the demand curve slopes with a negative gradient, but im still fine since the supply function is still below the demand function and i am profiting way too much.
the greatest weakness of conscription is the inability to align the interest of the individual conscript and the interest of the organization. pep talks work, threats work, pride and discipline work, but only that much. and where i come from, it probably almost doesnt work at all. at least half the people play mcs, reporting sick whenever they dont want to go to work. as a society of the book, nothing much can be done to them as long as they follow the rules and stay at home and remain contactable. some people might find this tough but definitely not me, since i love staying at home and i appreciate the chance to connect with my table, my chair, my sofa, my bed, my toys, the parquet floor and to some extent the barking of my neighbors retarded jack russell. i love how i digress.
anyway, the way to align the interest of the individual to the organization is to provide incentives for actions that benefit the organization requiring the labor (loss of leisure) of the individual so that the nett impact on the individual is positive. this incentive is not hard to find in the army and not hard to find where i serve. individuals are rewarded with offs for doing work, even if in other camps this work is expected of his rank and vocation. i guess this variable component is good, because without it most of the work just wont get done; most people will just be wandering the camp grounds like zombies instead of working. because there is a deadline for everything, the hardworking nice guys will get suckered into doing the work of the lazy buggers at no loss to the lazy buggers. this deadweight welfare loss and inequity has been common in all the camps ive been to, whatever the formation. punishment for the lazy buggers is going to have very limited impact, because like what i said earlier, this is an organization of the book and everyone knows how easy it is to get an mc. to prevent this from happening, from having people reward themselves, it seems better to reward them and get the work done instead of having them reward themselves without getting anything done. it must be easier to obtain the incentive by working than by waiting in line in the polyclinic for hours or paying $40 to the gp below the block. in some sense providing the incentive would be good not just for the organization but also for the society at large. we know how A&E are so clogged up with people who would otherwise die or become paralyzed from the common cold or sore throat. with a healthy system of offs it is less likely that this would happen.
wow so inspired.
Let X = output by labor of the individual to benefit of firm
since all output requires input, assuming direct convertibility, the cost of out by labor to the individual, D (disincentive) should be about X.
it is a fair assumption that the firm benefits from squeezing value out of its labor, so the gain of the firm is to the loss of the labor. so what is positive for the firm has a negative mirror for the labor.
for labor to continue working, and incentive, I, to labor is required. in the private sector, pay, possible promotion, variable bonus and having a job all contributes to this, but in the army the only I possible would be time off, since pay is already fixed, no matter whether one contributes or not, promotion has already been largely determined from your appointment (eg i cannot become a 2sg as an nsf since im a cqms) and you cant be fired. so timeoffs would be like the variable bonus to get you to do work on a daily basis. for it to work, this condition, I-D>0.
the trick here is that the cost of creation of I and enjoyment of I is different and exploitable. in this case, the cos of I is close to 0, since offs are usually taken in lull period when otherwise the clowns are just staring into space or using inet in the bc. and eating cookhouse food, in the process wasting taxpayers monies. so it is possible to reach a win-win situation by giving out offs.
if one is a martinet, it is not difficult to see another option- doling out the reverse. instead of rewarding people for good work, punish them for the Lack Of good work. delaying bookout or harrassment or staff parades are all possible options, since confinement and DB are usually restricted to disciplinary problems where people are punished for not conforming instead of not performing. it is easier to catch these people, but this should be fodder for another post. the problem with penalizing people for the lack of good work is that there is no definitive measure of good work and equity problems will arise. in a camp like mine, the conscripts are extracted from a whole milieu of people with different abilities in different areas. on top of it, no two people do exactly the same job even if both might be storemen or both might be cq. it is already difficult to judge true effort and judging the lack of effort is even harder. no matter what screening device the top man uses, there is no way to be close to even half right half the time. according to dixitnskeath, rewards are used therefore to promote active action while punishments are used to restrict active non compliance. wow h3. awesome.
anyway I = timeoffs, best dog of the month, etc etc etc, even the smile on the boss' face, for some tiny cut of the conscript. but as we know, and as is the justification for astronomical salaries of the superscale, tangibles>>>intangibles. i think so too and i wont contradict this.
the problem usually comes in when there is supposed inequity in the rewards system. some degree of inequity is not just accepted but also expected, but where i am this variance can be so huge it becomes unpalatable. for example, some people have to record closely every single off awarded while others take off when theres nothing to do without deducting from the record. some get off for lifting a finger while some only get early release after getting their energy milked out from their tits like marigold cows. with incapable bosses and differing yardsticks, there is no one situation that can make the palate come. but it can be improved, like all else in this organization, by creating a book of rewards and minimizing discretion of the midlevel managers since most of them cant really manage themselves. just look at my own. he cant even get his hair to standards, argues with the ism over this like a kid, cant support his own guys and is always missing most of the time. his sidekick isnt much better, being stupid enough to always take the long and winding way when there is a direct freeway to the point. for the organization to change for the better, it is not just about the books but also about its guardians. and of course the selection of guardians, which from my experience seems quite flawed, because honestly for all my pussiness i dont see how i am less able as an officer than some people who dont know what they are talking about and find using english a challenge.
much has been done, but much more has to be done.
there is no guilt to taking mc, really, because of the enjoyment accrued without associated loss. in school, you miss lessons, and you have to play catch up. no such thing now. you miss activities but you dont have to pay them back or play catch up. whats over is over as the countdown timer continues to tick towards the most important day of the 2 years of being a public good. with my free time, i have been engaging in rewarding activities, catching up on current affairs and reading social theories, things i havent been able to do in camp despite having chunks of free time because these times are interspersed with random chores that piss me off and break my chain of thought. when im doing serious reading, like i did just now on nu and whatever funny bloc in indonesia within which everyone was ahmad or muhd, i just switch off the phone and now as i progress deeper into my mc nobody calls me anymore, except for some storeman who enjoys talking to me, which is fine, really.
im really now making up for the june holidays of 2008 and 2007, times when i had to mug through the holidays because rj like quite a number of others put the common tests the week after the holidays. in jc1 hard work was required because the first 6 mths i didnt study i just played all the way and in jc2 because i focused on clearing ap and h3 in smu. unlike the hols of yore, i didnt get to go out to play, laze in bed till 9 or 10, watch tv all day and read comics. i woke up early to go to school to study. it was fun, especially when my friends joined me, and some days we fooled around more than we studied, but that nagging from within to get serious or flunk the test made sure it didnt feel like a real break. now im sleeping till 9 with a vengeance, watching ellen degeneres with a vengeance, playing bejeweled with a vengeance. LOL. the enjoyment of each unit of sleep, of stupid tv shows and of stupid games has been diminished, as we know, since the demand curve slopes with a negative gradient, but im still fine since the supply function is still below the demand function and i am profiting way too much.
the greatest weakness of conscription is the inability to align the interest of the individual conscript and the interest of the organization. pep talks work, threats work, pride and discipline work, but only that much. and where i come from, it probably almost doesnt work at all. at least half the people play mcs, reporting sick whenever they dont want to go to work. as a society of the book, nothing much can be done to them as long as they follow the rules and stay at home and remain contactable. some people might find this tough but definitely not me, since i love staying at home and i appreciate the chance to connect with my table, my chair, my sofa, my bed, my toys, the parquet floor and to some extent the barking of my neighbors retarded jack russell. i love how i digress.
anyway, the way to align the interest of the individual to the organization is to provide incentives for actions that benefit the organization requiring the labor (loss of leisure) of the individual so that the nett impact on the individual is positive. this incentive is not hard to find in the army and not hard to find where i serve. individuals are rewarded with offs for doing work, even if in other camps this work is expected of his rank and vocation. i guess this variable component is good, because without it most of the work just wont get done; most people will just be wandering the camp grounds like zombies instead of working. because there is a deadline for everything, the hardworking nice guys will get suckered into doing the work of the lazy buggers at no loss to the lazy buggers. this deadweight welfare loss and inequity has been common in all the camps ive been to, whatever the formation. punishment for the lazy buggers is going to have very limited impact, because like what i said earlier, this is an organization of the book and everyone knows how easy it is to get an mc. to prevent this from happening, from having people reward themselves, it seems better to reward them and get the work done instead of having them reward themselves without getting anything done. it must be easier to obtain the incentive by working than by waiting in line in the polyclinic for hours or paying $40 to the gp below the block. in some sense providing the incentive would be good not just for the organization but also for the society at large. we know how A&E are so clogged up with people who would otherwise die or become paralyzed from the common cold or sore throat. with a healthy system of offs it is less likely that this would happen.
wow so inspired.
Let X = output by labor of the individual to benefit of firm
since all output requires input, assuming direct convertibility, the cost of out by labor to the individual, D (disincentive) should be about X.
it is a fair assumption that the firm benefits from squeezing value out of its labor, so the gain of the firm is to the loss of the labor. so what is positive for the firm has a negative mirror for the labor.
for labor to continue working, and incentive, I, to labor is required. in the private sector, pay, possible promotion, variable bonus and having a job all contributes to this, but in the army the only I possible would be time off, since pay is already fixed, no matter whether one contributes or not, promotion has already been largely determined from your appointment (eg i cannot become a 2sg as an nsf since im a cqms) and you cant be fired. so timeoffs would be like the variable bonus to get you to do work on a daily basis. for it to work, this condition, I-D>0.
the trick here is that the cost of creation of I and enjoyment of I is different and exploitable. in this case, the cos of I is close to 0, since offs are usually taken in lull period when otherwise the clowns are just staring into space or using inet in the bc. and eating cookhouse food, in the process wasting taxpayers monies. so it is possible to reach a win-win situation by giving out offs.
if one is a martinet, it is not difficult to see another option- doling out the reverse. instead of rewarding people for good work, punish them for the Lack Of good work. delaying bookout or harrassment or staff parades are all possible options, since confinement and DB are usually restricted to disciplinary problems where people are punished for not conforming instead of not performing. it is easier to catch these people, but this should be fodder for another post. the problem with penalizing people for the lack of good work is that there is no definitive measure of good work and equity problems will arise. in a camp like mine, the conscripts are extracted from a whole milieu of people with different abilities in different areas. on top of it, no two people do exactly the same job even if both might be storemen or both might be cq. it is already difficult to judge true effort and judging the lack of effort is even harder. no matter what screening device the top man uses, there is no way to be close to even half right half the time. according to dixitnskeath, rewards are used therefore to promote active action while punishments are used to restrict active non compliance. wow h3. awesome.
anyway I = timeoffs, best dog of the month, etc etc etc, even the smile on the boss' face, for some tiny cut of the conscript. but as we know, and as is the justification for astronomical salaries of the superscale, tangibles>>>intangibles. i think so too and i wont contradict this.
the problem usually comes in when there is supposed inequity in the rewards system. some degree of inequity is not just accepted but also expected, but where i am this variance can be so huge it becomes unpalatable. for example, some people have to record closely every single off awarded while others take off when theres nothing to do without deducting from the record. some get off for lifting a finger while some only get early release after getting their energy milked out from their tits like marigold cows. with incapable bosses and differing yardsticks, there is no one situation that can make the palate come. but it can be improved, like all else in this organization, by creating a book of rewards and minimizing discretion of the midlevel managers since most of them cant really manage themselves. just look at my own. he cant even get his hair to standards, argues with the ism over this like a kid, cant support his own guys and is always missing most of the time. his sidekick isnt much better, being stupid enough to always take the long and winding way when there is a direct freeway to the point. for the organization to change for the better, it is not just about the books but also about its guardians. and of course the selection of guardians, which from my experience seems quite flawed, because honestly for all my pussiness i dont see how i am less able as an officer than some people who dont know what they are talking about and find using english a challenge.
much has been done, but much more has to be done.
Wednesday, June 9, 2010
keep the change
my determination is waning. spent the morning watching shows i hardly enjoyed. got too lazy to get off the sofa so channel surfed. what a waste. shall go read books later man. what a way to spend an idyllic day.
its raining the cold wind blowing against my face.
gloomy weather, for those outfield,
but awesome weather for me here. i likes.
!
101><
W
its raining the cold wind blowing against my face.
gloomy weather, for those outfield,
but awesome weather for me here. i likes.
!
101><
W
Monday, June 7, 2010
think.
day 4 after my surgery. my knee is still somewhat swollen and motion is restricted. hurts when excessive pressure is placed on knee, so crutches are required for long distances. right leg seems somewhat longer than left, maybe due to the overstretched ligaments. much improved over day 0. apart from hurting so bad when i stood up, the back of my left hand got bruised from the drip needle soo bad. felt like shit, dressed like a gay lying on a bed in the day surgery ward waiting a whole afternoon for my doctor to see me. its still awhile to the end of my mc on 27th June, which is bloody short!
have been making good use of my time reading the newspaper from cover to cover. been reading it hard, read almost all the articles in all the sections except sport and classifieds. which is good. i feel a little smarter than the day before. set myself to the economist as well, and its the first time in a long while since i managed to finish an issue before the next appeared. i started reading books again. now im doing means' political islam in south east asia which is awesome. everyone who is interested in seasia should read it to get some background on transmission of religion in this region and how at one time or another the leaders of malaysia and indonesia have used and abused support from the religious quarter and how saudi arabia has been building and supporting schools that propagate its school of thought over the mishmash mixed version with Adat that seasias been all about. i regret reading it only after my interview. damns.
with whatever time i have left i have been watching television. which is good. reliving my childhood as i watch serials at all the odd timings in the day. like wolaiye is on at 11am! haha it was one of my favorite tcs serials when i was small. LOL. got in touch with my other side watching ellen degeneres. haha she is entertaining when you are bored. although a little repetitive at times. and i dont agree with her providing help to needy viewers bullcrap i think it creates the luck and handout mentality. ive got my evenings lined up. will watch whatever is nice from 8-9, usually variety shows, the noose, buffetlicious, whatever, and 9-10 i will watch cable from taiwan, which is good, and 10-11 i will watch that chU drama. havent applied myself to chU hongky dramas in a long time, but i enjoyed the past few episodes last week.
i think they missed me in camp. but this time around i made sure that i settled the stuff as best as i can. the only things i didnt do would be to bring the entrenchment tool and groundsheets up cos 4 stores is damn no deal, and climbing is difficult and i get scared when i am alone in the 42 men bunk and i have to run down cos im scared and i might trip and fall on my bad knee and i would be sweaty and have to shower cos i need to feel clean and all of this sucks cock. the stores are amazingly neat and i have given notice to whoever interested on whatever needed replacement. neat, except that the replacement would come in long later.
cant be bothered too much about those faggots. theres neither carrot for hard work nor stick for not working. and welfare is so arbitrarily given i enjoy it too even though im already enjoying the air of freedom in my house. it depends on what position you take, but i like to be alone even if the milieu of camp might be interesting, and i like the safety and serenity of my place. for now, when my neighbor hasnt started rebuilding his house, that is.
ok, time for more reading.
have been making good use of my time reading the newspaper from cover to cover. been reading it hard, read almost all the articles in all the sections except sport and classifieds. which is good. i feel a little smarter than the day before. set myself to the economist as well, and its the first time in a long while since i managed to finish an issue before the next appeared. i started reading books again. now im doing means' political islam in south east asia which is awesome. everyone who is interested in seasia should read it to get some background on transmission of religion in this region and how at one time or another the leaders of malaysia and indonesia have used and abused support from the religious quarter and how saudi arabia has been building and supporting schools that propagate its school of thought over the mishmash mixed version with Adat that seasias been all about. i regret reading it only after my interview. damns.
with whatever time i have left i have been watching television. which is good. reliving my childhood as i watch serials at all the odd timings in the day. like wolaiye is on at 11am! haha it was one of my favorite tcs serials when i was small. LOL. got in touch with my other side watching ellen degeneres. haha she is entertaining when you are bored. although a little repetitive at times. and i dont agree with her providing help to needy viewers bullcrap i think it creates the luck and handout mentality. ive got my evenings lined up. will watch whatever is nice from 8-9, usually variety shows, the noose, buffetlicious, whatever, and 9-10 i will watch cable from taiwan, which is good, and 10-11 i will watch that chU drama. havent applied myself to chU hongky dramas in a long time, but i enjoyed the past few episodes last week.
i think they missed me in camp. but this time around i made sure that i settled the stuff as best as i can. the only things i didnt do would be to bring the entrenchment tool and groundsheets up cos 4 stores is damn no deal, and climbing is difficult and i get scared when i am alone in the 42 men bunk and i have to run down cos im scared and i might trip and fall on my bad knee and i would be sweaty and have to shower cos i need to feel clean and all of this sucks cock. the stores are amazingly neat and i have given notice to whoever interested on whatever needed replacement. neat, except that the replacement would come in long later.
cant be bothered too much about those faggots. theres neither carrot for hard work nor stick for not working. and welfare is so arbitrarily given i enjoy it too even though im already enjoying the air of freedom in my house. it depends on what position you take, but i like to be alone even if the milieu of camp might be interesting, and i like the safety and serenity of my place. for now, when my neighbor hasnt started rebuilding his house, that is.
ok, time for more reading.
Tuesday, June 1, 2010
it is art. it is madness. it is brilliance. it is pornography.
here i am, sitting around at home again. the aircon is not working, and it is hot and humid. it is still raining, but the sun has come out already. i really hate the weather here and i dont know why anybody will want to migrate here. i woke up late this morning from the accumulated fatigue of going to the cargo center in the wee hours of sunday before sending the junk back to plc yesterday. i hate shift work. screws up my body clock. and this kind of shit spoilt my super long weekend which stretched all the way back to wednesday before my interview.
the interview was a quirky experience. first time for me, going for a non singapore interview. for that short span of slightly over an hour i was on French soil. a plate at the entrance of the embassy at cluny reminded everyone who entered of that fact.
i was wearing a white shirt and blue tie, the same white shirt and the same blue tie that i wore for all my interviews barring that mas one, where i wore the school uniform throughout like a real cock. in typical french fashion, my interview was late so i had to sit around for a little longer than expected and the woman hostess or so she called herself tried to be nice by starting up some small talk to relieve stress. she had blonde hair but she wasnt a natural blonde as she pointed out herself. a little old probably from her habit of chainsmoking, but a nice and funny person. she wore all black which contrasted with her olivebrown mediterranean skin color. wonder how she continues to have it, even when she has been working as campus france's perm rep at newton. she talked about life, about school, about her aspirations, about her being single. lol. she was a little old, a little dry, but still tight, still attractive in a cougar way. but all these come along only after the interview because in that time when i was sitting across her my mind was fixated on summoning the planks for my platform for the interview.
my presentation was on geert wilders, which i found to be challenging enough and completely unexpected. during the preparation i found myself struggling to come to a cogent conclusion, i found myself drawn in to both sides, that of the freedom of speech and the freedom of religion especially as how the former, though in this case quite offensive is a potent protection of women rights while the latter can be offensive but remains a mainstay in many lives. i just presented lamely, but i hope i did impress them so that they may offer me a spot.
in a sense i got what i hoped for, an interview that didnt ask me about myself. i was asked about islam, militant islam and secularism in islam as well as islam and human rights, all of which consumed me thoroughly. i didnt know how to broach my ideas very well especially to a panel with 2 white women. they smiled, but i think only politely. im praying for the best.
i was completely relieved when i came out of the interview and i spent the afternoon back in bishan with shayi and stho, a completely spontaneous outing of 3 classmates lol. rj has remained quite the same beneath all the structural modifications- students still clog the library and dump their bags all over the floor, sit around in the canteen, eat from almost the same stores while discussing all sorts of ridiculous things. the prcs continue to infest the school, from the corridors to the probably optional remedial classes and from the sign up list for university talks to the deans lists located a floor below. much has changed, much has remained the same, but rjc has become ri and deep down i guess we do not belong around here anymore. teachers have left, changed and more. but at least i met ewong, my econs tutor. shes still nice.
ri has become radically different. where 3P4P once had lessons has now become some haven for vandalism. the art there just sucks and it spoils completely the look of the school. what once looked somewhat stately albeit dreary nowlooks like torn down sidepieces of the berlin wall. what view once impressed me as a p6 student standing in the atrium waiting for my turn for spelling bee now looks like shit. met yuen, who is still nice but who has become subject head. seems like 3p4p is no longer to be. no more concentration of talent in a class, and no more funn people all put together to make a funner environment. this loss is profound. and i treasure my memories a lot more.
tomorrow is my last day in camp before my surgery. i have waited for my surgery for long. it was my trump card i held close to my chest, something to punctuate the year, a comma that improved my ns life. but now that it is drawing close, i question my reasons for such dreams and i question my brashness in deciding to go for the surgery. there are damn many risks involved from infections to deep vein thrombosis. i hope i dont die yet. i think im still too young and i still have much to experience. i always feel guilty about it because im putting myself at so much risk to remove such questionable and little discomfort i get when walking. i wonder if it is worth it, if i had measured up the factors with a huge weightingon the mc i would be getting. the doctor works at mtE and has operated on a number of my moms indon clients. he is cambridge trained and i am reassured. i hope for the best to come.
will be handing over charlie to someone temporarily, which is a good thing for me. never really enjoyed working with charlie, with temperamental and stupid and lazy regulars as my superiors. charlie opened my eyes to such a possible confluence of weakness. i wont complain, just like me they too are staking out except for them it is to get as much pay as possible to support their children or their expensive habit of flying to holland, but it pains me that all this is done at the taxpayers expense. i can be considered whiner, because i see things not just for what they are but for what they should be, but i do try to change things, except it some cases i think it is not worth it. what would work for the organization would be to quarantine them so that they may not contaminate the upandcoming regulars and so that they would not be released to be scums in the corporate world. those lazy dicks, those stupid dicks.
the interview was a quirky experience. first time for me, going for a non singapore interview. for that short span of slightly over an hour i was on French soil. a plate at the entrance of the embassy at cluny reminded everyone who entered of that fact.
i was wearing a white shirt and blue tie, the same white shirt and the same blue tie that i wore for all my interviews barring that mas one, where i wore the school uniform throughout like a real cock. in typical french fashion, my interview was late so i had to sit around for a little longer than expected and the woman hostess or so she called herself tried to be nice by starting up some small talk to relieve stress. she had blonde hair but she wasnt a natural blonde as she pointed out herself. a little old probably from her habit of chainsmoking, but a nice and funny person. she wore all black which contrasted with her olivebrown mediterranean skin color. wonder how she continues to have it, even when she has been working as campus france's perm rep at newton. she talked about life, about school, about her aspirations, about her being single. lol. she was a little old, a little dry, but still tight, still attractive in a cougar way. but all these come along only after the interview because in that time when i was sitting across her my mind was fixated on summoning the planks for my platform for the interview.
my presentation was on geert wilders, which i found to be challenging enough and completely unexpected. during the preparation i found myself struggling to come to a cogent conclusion, i found myself drawn in to both sides, that of the freedom of speech and the freedom of religion especially as how the former, though in this case quite offensive is a potent protection of women rights while the latter can be offensive but remains a mainstay in many lives. i just presented lamely, but i hope i did impress them so that they may offer me a spot.
in a sense i got what i hoped for, an interview that didnt ask me about myself. i was asked about islam, militant islam and secularism in islam as well as islam and human rights, all of which consumed me thoroughly. i didnt know how to broach my ideas very well especially to a panel with 2 white women. they smiled, but i think only politely. im praying for the best.
i was completely relieved when i came out of the interview and i spent the afternoon back in bishan with shayi and stho, a completely spontaneous outing of 3 classmates lol. rj has remained quite the same beneath all the structural modifications- students still clog the library and dump their bags all over the floor, sit around in the canteen, eat from almost the same stores while discussing all sorts of ridiculous things. the prcs continue to infest the school, from the corridors to the probably optional remedial classes and from the sign up list for university talks to the deans lists located a floor below. much has changed, much has remained the same, but rjc has become ri and deep down i guess we do not belong around here anymore. teachers have left, changed and more. but at least i met ewong, my econs tutor. shes still nice.
ri has become radically different. where 3P4P once had lessons has now become some haven for vandalism. the art there just sucks and it spoils completely the look of the school. what once looked somewhat stately albeit dreary nowlooks like torn down sidepieces of the berlin wall. what view once impressed me as a p6 student standing in the atrium waiting for my turn for spelling bee now looks like shit. met yuen, who is still nice but who has become subject head. seems like 3p4p is no longer to be. no more concentration of talent in a class, and no more funn people all put together to make a funner environment. this loss is profound. and i treasure my memories a lot more.
tomorrow is my last day in camp before my surgery. i have waited for my surgery for long. it was my trump card i held close to my chest, something to punctuate the year, a comma that improved my ns life. but now that it is drawing close, i question my reasons for such dreams and i question my brashness in deciding to go for the surgery. there are damn many risks involved from infections to deep vein thrombosis. i hope i dont die yet. i think im still too young and i still have much to experience. i always feel guilty about it because im putting myself at so much risk to remove such questionable and little discomfort i get when walking. i wonder if it is worth it, if i had measured up the factors with a huge weightingon the mc i would be getting. the doctor works at mtE and has operated on a number of my moms indon clients. he is cambridge trained and i am reassured. i hope for the best to come.
will be handing over charlie to someone temporarily, which is a good thing for me. never really enjoyed working with charlie, with temperamental and stupid and lazy regulars as my superiors. charlie opened my eyes to such a possible confluence of weakness. i wont complain, just like me they too are staking out except for them it is to get as much pay as possible to support their children or their expensive habit of flying to holland, but it pains me that all this is done at the taxpayers expense. i can be considered whiner, because i see things not just for what they are but for what they should be, but i do try to change things, except it some cases i think it is not worth it. what would work for the organization would be to quarantine them so that they may not contaminate the upandcoming regulars and so that they would not be released to be scums in the corporate world. those lazy dicks, those stupid dicks.
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