todays the last day of november

and tomorrows the first day of a december i will truly remember

but exams first, ord later, which is a satisfying order of things. that way i wont be celebrating freedom before i truly become so free i become mildly deranged.

two mornings from now my dalf will commence and my productionorale is still real poor. i am foaming.

Help me God

this thursday just come

since i am going to get screwed anyway i would rather get screwed now. no more waiting.
oh my god my oral is so fail and my listening is quite fail. good game already la.

what i have been thinking about when i should be studying for my exam on this thursday

whether to help your relative selamat to hide from the authorities isnt an issue that can be solved morally or ethically. or even religiously. according to the imam there is some koranic reference that forbids aiding the escape of a criminal. but the koran is a voluminous tome that is not always crystal clear, so there probably exists some passages that can be used to claim aid for this relative selamat. the fact that there are so many terrorists who all claim some reference from somewhere is testament to this fact. and what they say about the bible, another abrahamic religion, that the devil can quote passages for his own ends, also holds true for the koran. just as the hardliners like to read it their way, the imam is also reading it his way.

it is hard to not assist a relative. even if the relative might have done something that society at large considers reprehensible. it is hard when the responsibility to the greater good and the responsibility to the family comes into conflict. and just as one cannot be sure that selamat is right or wrong, one cannot be sure if what society does is right or wrong. to use a lame example, whites used to enslave the blacks, something that we have come to consider as inhumane. at the time of nazi germany, probably some thought that it was morally just and ethically sound to gas the jews. i am quite sure there were at least as many true nazi collaborators as there were resistance fighters.

and socrates was put to death by his people, for what was considered some sort of poisoning of the minds of the athenian youths. which does not seem to make much sense today. of course i wont draw parallels between socrates and him, but it is difficult for an individual, especially relatives or close associates, like plato for the former and the niece of the latter, to completely accept the rightness of the society. and society isnt always right too.

of course some will point to the fact that it is unacceptable that we tolerate in our society people who are intolerant of others, of people who are willing to kill others for the cause of their warped utopia. that is true too. but what if it is utilitarian that some must die so the others may live better? dont we always force this logic of sacrifice down the throats of our soldiers who have died on flanders fields, on the marne and elsewhere all over? that some morally reprehensible monsters must die?

an ethical answer is hard to arrive at. instead all that they should do to prevent others from harboring their relatives is to dole out draconic penalties. as long as the moral payoff of harboring a wanted relative is lower than the material payoff of not harboring the relative, the chance of a similar occurence will be diminished. i am quite sure that just as the imam and the other religious leaders have moral authority, these terrorists might also be effective ethicists so it becomes difficult. tough life.

life's like that

so why fk it?

my cos is still not done, im afraid of foaming at it.

and im foaminghard at french.

sweden

where the state is the mama so the mama can be the man.

vikings should not be peaceful.

they should eat some boiled sheep head and go to war. not sit around in dresses waiting for the time of the month.

18 months of maternity/paternity leave. just gay.

i foam too much

:( i dont feel well.

semblable

i treasure the past so much i dont know i want to continue moving on into the future. ns was so disgusting. and it still is. i feel the need to reacquaint myself with my school days in ri or rj. when life was imperfect but enjoyable and carefreer. i have a very small comfort zone, and it is shrinking oddly while travelling across the plane of situations of life. unlike most of my homologues, i feel no urge to explore the world. i just dont want life like i know it to end.

2 weeks to my dalf and 3 weeks to my ord

time is passing quickly and slowly at the same time.

i need to ord tomorrow and sit for the dalf in a years time.

anyway have invested much time and effort in the classouting for 27 dec. i hope it turns out well. :D

nostalgia

yesterday was my last day in camp before i ord. went back for ord ffi, which took me the whole morning and a bit of the afternoon because the doctor needed to clear the report sick cases and the medics had no courtesy to inform the ffi guys that our ffis will get pushed back until the last report sick case is seen. which is completely ridiculous but as soldiers we all accept this nonsense. i have never waited any longer for my medical appointment.

luckily the indian reservist doctor was really nice and friendly, so my day was not completely ruined. and i was very focused in chasing down signatures and i returned books to tds and stuff, so now all i am left with is the champions signature because he was hospitalized for asthma. really chaokeng regular. have never seen one more openly chaokeng than he.

anyhows, as i took the shuttlebus out alone, because stho went awol after dental ffi and the clerk was on duty and my whole team was stuck with outpro, i started thinking very seriously about life outside of the army. it is going to become a reality, very soon. in 21 days. o m g. it is coming it is coming. my ord is coming. LOL. i pray for the best for my cos, which is completely arbitrary in actual fact, and i hope that everything rolls along smoothly.

i will miss playin pool with the other members of iti. i will miss it a lot, because i played pool alot, but unfortunately i still suck at pool. i will miss all the talkcock sessions too, those long lunches, those discussions about timestop and fetishes. i will miss those times when i find sensible logical people. of course there are also shitty times.

so i dont really want to stay any longer. iti has added little value to my life, and i have not been contributing much or even at all since my surgery. which was 6 months ago. i am happy to leave. its time to move on with life.

i am so depressed

time has been passing ii have been studying but not enough i think im going to die.

tomorrow i am going back to camp for my ord ffi and i am going to tie up the loose ends and wish me luck i hope i get a very good cos. i really really hope for it.

have been living life like a hermit mugger at woodlands library but have not been very successful have been getting distracted by hot girls who feel cold they have to wear some parka from antarctica but for somereason always always wear short shorts. maybe their hotlegs just dont feel cold. too hot already.

oh no. ggxx

i am 20

for some reason, ord feels further away now than ever before, no thanks to all the celebration everywhere. facebook connects and transmits everything, every bit of partying, every status update. and of course all the snide remarks. haha i cant stand it for much longer omg. but i dont blame them, i will be equally euphoric and insensitive when the time comes. in about a month. but this is really going to be one long and painful month.

i feel like eating chocolate. of late i have been craving food, and recently i have been craving chocolate, even though i should have already had stuffed myself enough with all the asia treasures chocolates and the lava cake i had at aerins yesterday, which was surprisingly good. i rummaged about downstairs in the larder to get lucky. i found a gold packaging which looked really tasty and i opened it. it was a bar of soap. lol. and since the words were in japanese my maid assumed that it was food. that was quite amusing.

today was a fairly productive day in the library and i hope tomorrow will be too. allez!

nsf today, nsf tomorrow

so unfair. this is discrimination. i hate it.

so long more.

teenage dreams

ain't gonna be forever young. sometimes, we all have to live for the moment. i spent this weekend, the last of my teenage doing just that. i did not have any plan, and if i did i dropped them before even trying. i have not touched my french since the eve of deepavali. and i did no work, went no where to do anything specially. i had meals, i lazed around, i slept, i watched television, and i played mahjong titans. i felt the need to indulge in such hedonism of the moment, but after completing most of it i felt so sorry to myself for wasting all my time doing shit. i need to plan, even for leisure, so i dont feel like i am wasting time. i had this feeling. it sucks, really. and i feel really guilty, because now i have lost precious mugging time, and my chance of failing the exam has increased quite a bit. i am so screwed.

anyway, i am feeling unwell already. i think its the medicine. it is working, and the effects are showing. i have lesser lesions already, but at the same time my skin is all dry and scaly and i am really shedding skinflakes. and my lips are so dry even though i religiously wear lip balm. it is scary. i cannot even open my mouth fully without my lips tearing. and the skin around my mouth and at my joints are so cracked they are all red as tomatoes. i am so dehydrated, i feel like dying. i have a little headache now. maybe its cos i slacked too much in front of the computer. when i do too much of this i feel unwell.

i should stop and go arrange my stuff and draw out some plans.

au revoir tout le monde.

deepavali

this year deepavali did not fall on my birthday. but i enjoyed it anyway. had korean food for lunch, which was nice. i was too preoccupied with enjoying the moment and enjoying walking about town aimlessly so i forgot about all the bad things that made me depressed.

yay.

sometimes life should just be like that. i need more diversions.

with bated breath

i went back to camp today to share in the joy of those who ord today. since i had no work to do and the other cqms were not in camp, i joined the 4 lucky dudes in wearing civvies around the camp, also with a file containing the ord clearance form and some ffi documents. i also joined them at the chief clerk's, where they handed over their documents for which in return they received a whole lot of crap. and their nric. everyone was euphoric, and nobody cared to look at their cert of service or their testimonial.

it seemed like i was more interested to find out what was in their cert of service than they were. i felt like i needed to gauge the kind of performance and conduct i would be receiving. and i was as i still am praying hard that i see better than 2 goods. i really really am hoping for this. and looking back i honestly think i deserve better than 2 goods. anyway my boss has not done up my testimonial or my cert of service. im hoping that when he gets down to them they are good. and befitting of my contributions to iti. and i hope it reflects my contributions not just as a spareman now but also as cqms earlier on.

anyway the ord exercise today stirs up much emotion in me. maybe if i had played my cards better, i would have gotten a silver and i would be among them today. i would not have more than a month to my turn. i would be celebrating out there, not at home emo-ing alone. yes, i will be off all the way until i ord, but it just feels, different. but theres really no point crying over spilt milk. i guess at each individual stage of life we make decisions without perfect knowledge of the payoffs, and sometimes the decisions turnout wrong. sometimes we might overvalue the short term over the long term. it always happens. i thank my friends for helping me train on those weeknights. they eventually were futile, in that i got 2 more months anyhow, but they did help in that i was not a complete complete wuss at the point of enlistment. and between training and getting a silver for napfa and getting that a for chem, i still prefer the latter. of course, this is irrelevant, since no one will ever know whether training X amount more will help me get that silver and Y amount of effort will get me Z for chem. everyone just has to hope for the wisdom to make the right decision. and of course the luck.

i am quite happy still, for my friends that ord. yes, i will not be able to play pool with them in the mess or hang out with them over fruits at the cookhouse, but its alright, because in this period i will just be off, mugging productively (i hope). i will always treasure the good times together and the memories i had, whether they be good or bad. maybe we can meet up someday, but judging from past experience, forging sustainable friendships is not my strong suit. and those bonds in the army just arent that strong, maybe because most of the time all i want to do is go home so i just try to hurry through my work and hurry through the day and get my ass out of camp. i fail to appreciate those relationships much. and maybe, i just dont connect very well with them. we dont really have common experiences, and we relate to things and to each other very differently.

soon it will be my turn. but 35 days away. it is a short time, but it is also a long time. somehow, i feel more depressed about it now than when i had to enlist early. maybe its because i was more naive and thus more positive about army life then than now. and i was not as free then as i am now. everything happened so quickly. after the a levels, i studied for sat ii, i prepared for my fail mas interviews, i did my scholarship applications. i just had no time to think. sat ii was just a week before my enlistment. and in that one last week of freedom i was shagged out from preparing for ns to think about how shitty it is to enlist early. now i should not be free, i should be studying, but the last 2 years have worn my stamina for hard work down by a lot. that, and of course the degeneration of grey matter.

i hope that time passes quickly. i cannot wait for the day it is my turn with the ic. i cannot wait for the next breath i will draw as a free-er man.

and i hope i get at least 2 goods for my cos.

your arrow is trouble, trouble, trouble

woow. except that if the translation is correct the lyricist should just go kill himself/herself.

teresa teng rocks my world

when i feel sad for no reason i switch on the aircon and switch off the lights and put on a pirated cd of her. her songs own snsd's by like 10^1000. snsd has shitty songs but nice moves. her songs a really good songs and her voice owns. pulls at your heartstrings. hahaha. and i feel better already. screw iti.

november

i like november. but for this year it will not be my favorite month. december will be.

i hate how some mmi physio assts are attitude. maybe i will tell that lcp to knock it down. he needs to worship the ground sometimes to help him relax and be more sane. siao he just went on ranting about how there is a huge increase in the number of patients at mmi that he has to work longer hours. and then some random poor dude called the wrong number and he just shouted like he was mad into the phone. maybe he is stressed by something.

but definitely not by his work. how stressful can his work be man. i think my job is already relatively tolerable. but his is almost orgasmic. no uniform required, no real admin work. of course no insane accumulation of offs, but who needs that when he reports at 0830 and knocks off at 1700 sharp? on top of staying out he does not even have irregular hours. and he reports daily to a physio who is so nice la. cant stand his luck.

tomorrow i must pounce on french damn hard. or else the (1.)fass (2.) girls will whip me. then i will have to steal an entrenchment tool to dig a hole to bury my miserable head in. and if i fail the test i might have to revisit all those choice suicide methods that were thought up when i was about to fail the a levels.