with bated breath

i went back to camp today to share in the joy of those who ord today. since i had no work to do and the other cqms were not in camp, i joined the 4 lucky dudes in wearing civvies around the camp, also with a file containing the ord clearance form and some ffi documents. i also joined them at the chief clerk's, where they handed over their documents for which in return they received a whole lot of crap. and their nric. everyone was euphoric, and nobody cared to look at their cert of service or their testimonial.

it seemed like i was more interested to find out what was in their cert of service than they were. i felt like i needed to gauge the kind of performance and conduct i would be receiving. and i was as i still am praying hard that i see better than 2 goods. i really really am hoping for this. and looking back i honestly think i deserve better than 2 goods. anyway my boss has not done up my testimonial or my cert of service. im hoping that when he gets down to them they are good. and befitting of my contributions to iti. and i hope it reflects my contributions not just as a spareman now but also as cqms earlier on.

anyway the ord exercise today stirs up much emotion in me. maybe if i had played my cards better, i would have gotten a silver and i would be among them today. i would not have more than a month to my turn. i would be celebrating out there, not at home emo-ing alone. yes, i will be off all the way until i ord, but it just feels, different. but theres really no point crying over spilt milk. i guess at each individual stage of life we make decisions without perfect knowledge of the payoffs, and sometimes the decisions turnout wrong. sometimes we might overvalue the short term over the long term. it always happens. i thank my friends for helping me train on those weeknights. they eventually were futile, in that i got 2 more months anyhow, but they did help in that i was not a complete complete wuss at the point of enlistment. and between training and getting a silver for napfa and getting that a for chem, i still prefer the latter. of course, this is irrelevant, since no one will ever know whether training X amount more will help me get that silver and Y amount of effort will get me Z for chem. everyone just has to hope for the wisdom to make the right decision. and of course the luck.

i am quite happy still, for my friends that ord. yes, i will not be able to play pool with them in the mess or hang out with them over fruits at the cookhouse, but its alright, because in this period i will just be off, mugging productively (i hope). i will always treasure the good times together and the memories i had, whether they be good or bad. maybe we can meet up someday, but judging from past experience, forging sustainable friendships is not my strong suit. and those bonds in the army just arent that strong, maybe because most of the time all i want to do is go home so i just try to hurry through my work and hurry through the day and get my ass out of camp. i fail to appreciate those relationships much. and maybe, i just dont connect very well with them. we dont really have common experiences, and we relate to things and to each other very differently.

soon it will be my turn. but 35 days away. it is a short time, but it is also a long time. somehow, i feel more depressed about it now than when i had to enlist early. maybe its because i was more naive and thus more positive about army life then than now. and i was not as free then as i am now. everything happened so quickly. after the a levels, i studied for sat ii, i prepared for my fail mas interviews, i did my scholarship applications. i just had no time to think. sat ii was just a week before my enlistment. and in that one last week of freedom i was shagged out from preparing for ns to think about how shitty it is to enlist early. now i should not be free, i should be studying, but the last 2 years have worn my stamina for hard work down by a lot. that, and of course the degeneration of grey matter.

i hope that time passes quickly. i cannot wait for the day it is my turn with the ic. i cannot wait for the next breath i will draw as a free-er man.

and i hope i get at least 2 goods for my cos.