salt and suicide

i dont think im going to apply this year.

knn. all the tests are scheduled for 5th nov, just a day before chem pII. which is the killer paper for me at least. walan eh.

cbcbcbcbcbcbcb

with my kinda sch grades i really need to pull off a good a levels. and fooling around with chem and at a levels is just no bananas.

cbcb

it doesnt help that saf sends a nice mail inviting me to the safos scholarship tea session next saturday. it comes with a nice plastic card with your ic number barcoded behind. nice shiny white plastic. it just makes me feel even more sore, that

1. my academics suck
2. i cant even pass napfa.

and im depriving more deserving peoples of an invite.

baah.

anyways it seems like lse has an option i likes.

philo n econs.

now i hope lse wants me.

vaincre

life is really depressing.

C: why you come school today?
D: mug lah. not going to fail chem again.
C: you fail before meh?
D: ya. C.
C: C is not fail.
D: bet if you got C you'd jump down.
C: nope. i'd just be looking through ITE pamphlets.

anyway according to fernie, nus requires all As or Bs.

looks like life is really damn tough. life is foam. foamboarding is fun.

looks like i cannot apply to oxford. cos i cannot decide what i want to do in life, and i shouldnt even think about it in the first place. with my kind of results, cca records and probably testimonials, i think im thinking a bit too far. too far from the natural non accelerating rate of delusion. disequilibrium delusion.

im disillusioned.

mark has results, daojie has his girl, lenny has results and girls and i have myself to blame. im not in the doldrums. im in a cavernous cave filled with bats that shit on me. and snakes that shit on me and constrict me. and bugs that shit on me and bite me. im miserable and these shitters have the strength of numbers and familiarity. i just keep getting shitted on.

suddenly i dont see why i should study hard. because whether i study hard or not im going to be a failure in life. because i dont even know whether i can get into nus. and im quite sure i dont want to go to ite then poly then uni. cos by the time im done with uni id have no more sexdrive and no more life. cb.

going to a university is not just about getting an education. for me, i think it doesnt really matter, of course, unless i choose to do law. uni is a good screening device. as mentioned by dixit and skeath, uni education helps differentiate type A for abled from type C for challenged. now that half the world and all the chiuchengkias from polies all can go to uni, the only way to signal that i am type A is to go to a good foreign uni, since im not going to enter nusmed.

and i seriously need to signal. because the signal is not perfectly accurate, but think of signalling and not signalling in terms of a game tree. then add in the conditional probabilities and u can c how the firms will c u and so choose to hire u. and i generally suck so i hope i get stirred in with the right crowd and get pushed along by the right current so i dont end up in a shit hole.

time is running out

ive spent most of the afternoon investigating:

capital punishment
government
responsibility to society
the role of religion

i enjoyed reading crap on wikipedia with 'when i grow up' in the background.

but i still dont know what is an enlightened society. this concept is really hard to define. im jjust going to use the pussy definition of liberte, egalite, fraternite and respect for the sanctity of life.

hopefully my stars will shine on me tomorrow. and for the rest of the prelims.

ziegler

tomorrow is gp prelims. and i am online now. surfing randomly.

i am not mugging for gp even though i suck at it. i lost my spark.

i am depressed. i feel miserable. why are so many pros applying to oxford? at first i thought all of them were applying to cambridge, and i thought, all was going well. and then yesterday jassie told me that so many arts people are applying to oxford. i was foaming away.

i know my uk dream borders on delusion.

actually i think i have stopped dreaming.

i think im going to waste myself away.

zhenan's personal statement

here i am, sitting in front of my laptop, listening to the old chinese songs that yh will definitely like, stoning at the almost empty word document. i was supposed to send don my ps tonight, but i hav been writing, deleting and rewriting for the entire night, and now, i got almost nothing but the title.

is this how i gonna make it into cambridge? if don put me in his delusion graph, i guess i would be somewhere near the gal, or is my point going to be fit outside the A3 paper? getting into cambridge is tough, but i made it harder by putting my name down under the best college together with ming quan and competing the same subject area with all the math genius like mila, hj, sj, st and his gf. but i still would like to thank jh and ronald, for giving chance, so that i still can dream that there might be a tiny minute chance for me to get in.

i just went to xiaonei, the chinese version of facebook, and saw the full list of all the prcs from hci, rjc and vj who went overseas to study. they are real gods. u penn, yale, stanford, mit, caltech, cambridge, oxford, imperial, williams, amherst, chicago, etc. etc. if i could get into any of these, i would be happily dancing naked! but let's be realistic. 9As, C for GP. how? 2130 for SAT, dream on! what can i do now?

my toefl result coming out tomorrow, hopefully it will help me move closer to my targets. anyway, i hav already finished the test and sent the results to all the top schools, what can i do about it now anyway? maybe a little bit of divine intervention would be helpful now. help me pray, dudes.

ok, i need to get back to my personal statement. GP tomorrow. i told jarrod that i will get my A this time. good night!

aaron will stop slamming doors, because that's irritating.

nothing much has transpired. been mugging hard. trying hard to mug, at least. ive spent most of today looking through my math file and until now i still dont know what has gotten into my brain and displaced the filth. (all i know is, he's called the stig.) at least now i think i know a differential equation question when i see one. actually de at h2 lvl is not tough, just that i cant interpret their difficult to comprehend question. i mean, in out in out shake it all about. why dont they just cut the crap and go straight to the point. this is a math test. gp already tests linguistic comprehension.

about gp, well i think im going to fail. somehow i dont have the positive vibe. the vibe that i get when i know that i can attack the essay and rape it. the vibe i get when im going to get so cocky i decide to do the summary from memory and cant be bothered that its a 4/8.

the gp relief tutor was a real foamer. mostly, people daoed her. she was interested, but not effective. the controversial topics clearly cut no ice. she was boring. and i was pretty bored through her lessons. of course she wasnt soporific. i pitied her. but then she says she is going to warwick for ppe. and then i stopped pitying her.

went for the oxbridge law talk with lenny. i dont think im cut out to do law, much less even dream the oxford dream. we were there with this young, rightly cocky intellectual, some wolf from cambridge. in lt 6 with all the real men, and many a dreamer like me.

the main point that i gleaned from the talk was that oxbridge wanted smart people. whether you have extracurricular achievements doesnt matter to them. as long as ur smart. stupid people like me will be spat at. or is it spat on. whatever, im too stupid to care. actually whether or not they looked at eca, i will still probably be kicked, just on my puss academics alone. real pussy.

anyway i was there among real men who ask questions as if they were already accepted by cambridge. of course some of them were pedigree, like the attorneygeneral's sons, some of them were master debaters, and then someone who probably is a little too deluded. if we had a scale for delusion and i was on point 100 with the average at 50, i think we have to take logarithms to fit her point on an A3 piece of graph paper even if we shrink the units to 1point/cm.

im just consumed and engulfed by self doubt. and not wrongly so, especially when everyone who is someone is applying to emmanuel or gonville and caius and all you can do is sit and stare into space and imagine. and of course, feel sad for yourself.

i just hope i do ok for my prelims. i really want to go overseas real bad. i know im a jumping of the hoho scale of delusion, but i really want to live the dream. i hope a miracle comes along.

congrats

so team A won the gold. but good job team B.
tmr got school. hope everything goes well.

china is on its way for more gold????
hopefully, it seems that all china's strong games hav alr finished.

we the pussies

yup, singapore won the silver in women's ping pong. and im quite happy about it. i suppose im happy that at least they imported medallists, not some pussies who just keep getting 4th and whatnot. yup phelps the man has won so many golds its getting a little boring.

i hears that somepeople were abit displeased with all the faking durng the olympics opening ceremony. anyway i thought the ceremony was quite crap, very kitsch. grand, in your face, but little more. just showed how extravagant prc is. back to the faking. please relax. after fake guccis, fake facai and fake foods, its just a matter of time they faked something on a grander scale. heck i wont be surprised if that supposed jade on the back of the medals was just some stained glass or granite composite.

anyways my life is da shit. the biggest mistake i made last year was to take chemistry and subject myself to all sorts of nonsense repulsion theories, exceptions, bondings, donations and a class full of prcs. shit.

im going to fail chem, along with all my other subjects. somehow my attention span is short and i cannot do no nothing about nothing. im going to get whooped. and im going to get all my dreams of a good overseas education dashed. like soon.

aww life is tough.

China vs Singapore @ 730pm

so Singapore entered the table tennis final.. not bad. on one hand, i hope that Singapore can win the gold, since China already got like 28 in her pocket. but on the another hand, as quoted from David Lu, how can China's team B beat China's team A?

anyway, i juz read the university application criteria for Hong Kong University and I totally cancelled it out of my uni list. 

it says, "Singapore GCE Alevel exam, at least 2 E at H2 level and 1 E at H1 level."

dotssss......they call themselves 18 in the world? and better than Stanford? good luck to those who are planning to go.

this is where i won't be alone...

... for this is where i find many of my own kind. many losers that is. im surrounded by losers like myself. there are many winning ways, men and groups in singapore, like her worldclass airport, her chem olympiad theory champion and yeah, arguably, creative. then there are the many brilliant singers.

but there are a hell lot more losers. we have our athletes, i daresay a bunch of clowns. i think using a helicopter to dump coins into singapore river and then getting little boys and girls to fish the coins out is a better way to increase J and increase AE. at least fishing out the coins would be more interesting and exciting. after a while, losing gets a bit boring. especially when ur a loser, u dont need to be reminded of the shit ur in.

i remember the ridiculous world cup 2010 dream. yea, its good to dream big, but that is a ridiculous dream. as ridiculous as dreaming of owning the god-like peoples like lq or ronald or juanhe or daojie, when ur a mere mortal, maybe even a lesser mortal struggling to remove yourself from the C region. or just struggle at integration. or a pussy mortal who cant even pass napfa. to pussies like me, and arguably most of singapore, all we can do is sit and weep. or bite the dust.

in singapore, there is much to talk about, but somehow, nothing in the public arena is any good. look at the forum. wow theres this brilliant boy who talks about how he wants to pursue his law degree at UOL even though it wont be recognized in singapore, and then he has the cheek to ask if singapore doesnt recognize the degree because the law degree from the uk covers international law and all that. something along the lines of implying that singapore is resistant to foreign pokings around our legal system.

what this loser needs is a slap across the face to wake him up. come on. we all know that oxbridge and 13 other uk university llbs and llms are accepted in singapore. if ur just a pussy who cant get into these 15 unis, incl nottingham and the like, and cannot get into nuslaw or smulaw, then just accept tt ur a pussy n go poke ur nose someplace else. uol my balls. dun come up with the crap to say tt u need city living, cos ucl n lse also provide recognized law courses. and as far as i know u can choose to pursue eu law as a module, apart from weirder courses like roman law.

i dont hate whiners. i dont hate myself. but i wont suffer whiners who whine about ridiculous stuffs like this to the nation's only broadsheet. people like him are infectious and intensify the already screwed up atmosphere. but i hope the forum editor chose his article because the rest were more crap.

anyway, clearly singapore is devoid of news, or devoid of worthy journalists. just go to H19 of today's paper. yup, splashed across it is daniel cheng, who most of us know better as the 156 pervert. yupp. something is going seriously wrong when we start to report on weirdos like him in the home section. and then the level of journalism is real poor, the language is real poor n all tt. i heard lky used to call up the straits times to complain when he sees mistakes. i dont think he does anymore. or else he is not very effective, because almost everyday i spot a mistake. the most glaring of errors like misspelt names. i dont profess to be very able at spelling names or spelling anything for that matter, but the names in the main article and in the caption are different. like wtf?

and then they change their style and give away a car. is this even necessary? i think its better if they send their journalists to motivational courses to get them to take pride in their work. or maybe they should just buy more coffee for the much needed caffeine boost. those losers.

anyway since the 156 perv is my hero, i read the article. he's a real weirdo living in a world of his own man. anyhow take photos and all that. i think its quite cool to be so weird. of course it wont be very nice if ri boys take photos of u or pour chili sauce on u. but its cool to just keep sitting around in kfc, smile at ri boys, then at a certain time take 156 to bt timah to perv hci boys. well i took bus with him before, numerous times in sec 1. cos i didnt know he was a perv. i just thought he was a friendly gay. and at that point i thought nothing more. only after lamnams00n told me during irs that hes a gay who molested boys then got fired did i start to become wary of him. i was homophopic then. now im more enlightened. im not homo, but im not homophobic anymore.

enough of the shit.

yesterday was natl day celeb in sch. it rained, so the thousands spent erecting tt silly tentage was spent for naught. cant help it, rain is not a predictable thing. or is it? well, i heard from jonseow that they might spray the sky to induce rain a few days before natl day so that it wont rain on the day itself. i find this hard to believe though, because even in the doldrums the winds can still move quickly. i dont know.

i think rjmoderndance is real good. although jorddy told me their dance was pornographic. i think it bordered on the edgy, sensual, but not exactly sexual. to a certain extent, the dance is a little inappropriate, but thats what art is all about. it is supposed to awake ur inner self and get u to feel something. of course it had nothing to do with my manhood. but i thought all the thrusting and sashaying on stage was hot. and at the cusp of adulthood many of them had all the right proportions. of course, dance girls tend to have the best figures in school, and their attire leaves little to the imagination. but i must say their make up was horrid. i guess the hotness made up for it. streetdance, on the other hand, was lousy.

we shouldnt try to deny ourselves some natural sexual reactions. of course we should hold back from squeezing that ass or feeling that chest, but we should embrace the fact that god made us to be sexual creatures. we are programmed to want to f**k. its only normal. and embracing it adds to our sense of wellbeing. which is very important for losers like me, who get crushed by work and deprivation of rewards in every other aspect, that life is so tough. when i see the stack of prelim papers, i foam. when i see my ct grades, i also foam. when i see my sgc, i foam real hard. the only relief i get is when i do what a man's gotta do.

and doing what a man's gotta do well make a man a happy man. as long as the fetishes and perversions do not harm others or oneself, if one likes it, i says go for it. resistance is futile.

anyway class lunch at ms clarity was little different from an all guys outing as we discussed among ourselves, we being zhegay, aar, mx, lenny, yiheng n me. the food, fish in cordon bleu was bad. the batter was thick and overcooked, and the cake was a tad too sweet and lacked texture. the cheesecake wasnt dry enough for my liking. and the pudding was disgusting, like stale kueh lapis with evaporated milk. the deco of complementary colors was nauseating. too pussy already. so, dont go to miss clarity cafe along upper thomson. it isnt worth ur money. cos basically, it sucks.

time to watch the olympics opening.