i was shocked

when i saw my sec 1 student crying in the canteen. he thinks he will probably fail his math CA. well, im not sure why he did not do well. to me, he s rather a hard-working boy for his age. but it does make me think about the pressure the students are facing right now and the days when i was in school.

i tried to comfort him, i got him tissue and a drink and kept telling him that it is gonna be ok. the test will not have a significant impact on his overall CA score. but he said he's still sad that he will fail this test. suddenly all my reasons seemed powerless and illogical. true enough, there is nothing that we can do after the test, the score will not be changed. when i tell my friends that im worried about my Alevel results, i was in the position of my student. i could feel the pain and helplessness one gets while waiting for exam results which he or she did not do well in.

for me, it is just something that i gotta to learn to accept. 2 months of working taught me that the ability to suck it up and to face reality in life is an essential skill to survive. i hate my current job. but it does provide me with the best deal. the opportunity cost of giving up this job now is just too high to afford. so im learning to embrace the moment trapped in my cubicle in the staff room, typing documents which i think are doing no help to the students at all. doing stuff that u do not enjoy doing can be really torturing. so when there is no one around me, i pick up my "games of strategy" and read, i play my stupid ipod games, i go wikipedia and read random articles, i walk to the canteen and chat with my ex-students, i take a tour to the school library to search for interesting books.

but it took me so many years to realize exams are just a part of my whole life, but not the other way around. how can i expect a sec 1 boy to understand that? guess these exams are just designed to wake them up from the carefree life after PSLE. even in that case, isn't it coming too harsh on them?

today the science HOD ask me whether i hav been enjoying myself working. i told her the truth: i hate my current job but i love teaching in the classroom. so when she learned i am invited to apply for some MOE scholarship, she said that i should take it. that is what a lot of people have been suggesting to me as well. but let me just be clear. i will not be a teacher. and the only reason im enjoying myself in the classroom now is just that it reminds me so much of my student life. and i only relief short term for each teacher and class. i dun really need to worry whether the class is progressing. but if i were a permanent teacher, i will be really harsh on the students to ensure they perform. maybe then it will not be as fun as it is now..

i am just bored. so i blogged. i dun see my students as kids, i treat them as friends, i told them what i really think (but in a version that contains less vulgarities) i hope they can do well in their CAs.

good luck yik ming. (he will not read it but still, send my regards)

I have been thinking

about the meaning of life.esp today since i spent the whole day sitting in front of my laptop typing. no lessons for me to teach. so i got this shity job of writing a manual for new sec 1 science projects. basically i just need to find useful resources online or from the thick file that i was given and then type them and organize them into a report-ish booklet.

alright, sounds simple. but when u got to type a 28-page manual by yourself in one day, it is no longer that easy. well, luckily i got my ipod with me. actually i juz downloaded some games last night and thought may be i can play them during my lunch break. BUT i barely had time for lunch.

While i was typing, i suddenly felt that i had went back to 2 years ago. PW time. i dig out all my PW stuff from my inbox and start to read Sim Wong Hoo. haha, it was rubbish. then i read about Ron Gryzwinski, Walt Disney.. life was good in school, even though we had to do all those nonsense. now, im still in school, juz that i no longer got close friends around me to complain about the nonsense i am doing. i no longer have ppl around me to share my pain and curse about everything in the world together! i am all alone. maybe, one day, we all got to be learn to be all alone. this process is probably what the grown-ups used to tell us - growth.

i feel like swearing, but i realize that im still in school. and that i should behave myself. so FUCK! fucking cheebye!

anyway, the only good thing today was after lunch time when i went to canteen to buy drink. i met my sec 1 students from 1f. haha. they seemed pretty happy about their CA so far. talking to them makes me feel that i am still a student, still in school, still got friends around and dun need to face the real world. probably im an escapist, im not yet ready to take the shit from the real world. guess my army friends will do a better job. life is unfair. i juz need some time to adjust to it.

life goes on. time to leave the depressing staff room! maybe i should go and catch a movie by myself. being alone in the cinema is therapeutic, that is how i survived my j2. have a great evening, everyone.

because tonight would be the night that i would fall for you over again

i passed ippt. yes, i know, to many, ippt is some no-kick nonsense. to others, getting a mere pass is worth spitting on. its a joke. but hey, to me, its quite a big deal.

i probably ran about 11min. to many, tts some pussy time, but for me to achieve tt kinda timing, i ran 3 nights a week, spending my admin time going rounds around the red track while the instant noodle gang was consuming bowls after bowlles of instant noodles.

i jumped 221 which is short, especially by aarons standards. it isnt my best jump, but considering i was RMJ EX-STAIRS until the day before, it wasnt too shabby an efforte.

i did 9 pullups, which is little short of amazing. i was a zero fighter when i enlisted 12/12. by field camp i did only 3 pussy ones. the 9 i did today were proper ones. completely extended my arms n completely pushed my cheen across the barr.

i passed.

anyway the week had been fun. shooting was bad for me. got a fucked up lane which was closed AFTER i completed my day shoot. fig 11 had its center blasted out so bad my shot just went strait through. apparently they already noticed it the nuit before, but they didnt remedy it until afte ri shot. so i missed marksman by a hair. just 1 shot. fuch. to think someone who can shoot with an iron sight cannot shoot with a 1.5scope.

hopefullies i can trayn and passs soc next week. gonna be a struggel, but i hope miracels happen.

the Lost Generation

life's like fuck

when you have to update your application to psc and then you see a column asking you for other scholarships applied to. and then you have to declare that you are a

FUCKING REJECT!

feels like some fuck. im screwing my life up. my ucl essay is completely undone and hmm, there seems to be some issues with my columbia app. to compound the problem, my live range is coming up, and i dont think i can actually hit figure 15. and then ippt on saturday will decide whether they will even consider me for command school.

and then im booking in 1700. and my brothers going back to australia.

valentine's with a twist

this is my first post under the yellowsox banner and i'm glad that zhenan has given me this opportunity to join in the fun. lol anyway bookout's been really great. i didn't realise spending time lazing around at home and using the computer to facebook and stuff was that great until i got deprived of this for 2 and a half weeks. on hindsight those 2 and a half weeks passed pretty quickly, and i still remember how i was counting down to the first bookout.

anyway continuing on the theme of valentine's day, my day was spent rather ordinarily. lazing around at home is not what i would want to do if i were still studying, but hey it's definitely something good to do now, especially after spending loads of time talking cock/sleeping/playing foosball/watching the 7pm channel8 drama serial at tekong. as the warrant officers said, we would find it hard to occupy ourselves after we bookout since everything's been planned for us in the army, and i guess it's turning out to be rather true for me. compared to my sucky day, imo zhenan's had a good vday.

oh well it has turned out that my last paragraph just had to mention army stuff, so i'll try to keep the rest of this post army-free.

valentine's day is a day set aside to celebrate love between couples, but for some unlucky people like most of the contributors to this blog, it's hard to find a partner/good friend to spend valentine's day with. in fact, the only woman i've spent v day with so far is my mum, and it's not a proud record to have. i guess v day for me is about spending time with my family, especially after spending two weeks in tekong . after all, i feel v day's for spending time with loved ones.

bookin's tomorrow at 1840. i'm not relishing it of course, but i guess boh bian already...

sweet valentine

so this is how i celebrated today.

0830 woke up by one student's sms. 

0840 went online and played some facebook game.

1100 went to school and met the science HOD to discuss about my work. (during the meeting, rj my juniors and my senior kept smsing me.. well done, boys.)

1230 finished the meeting and went back to my room.

1245 changed and went to my junior's room to watch him play NFS and NBA

1400 decided to go watch a movie

1510 arrived cenileisure but the tickets to "the curious case of benjemin button" are sold out, we swtiched to "underworld" (which turned out to be a great movie)

1530 went burger king for breakfast (my first and only meal in the day)

1600 walked to borders and bought nothing. but on my way back to ceni, we watched an old man using his neck to spin a huge chain of wooden balls (the whole chain is at least 5 metres) ran away from that show because my neck got irritated by watching it. 

1715 the show started

2000 reached hostel and checked email. got an interview from UVA. going to watch "underworld 2" in my friend's room now.

my friend thinks that tonight, the rate of having intimacy will sky-rocket. maybe someone should go and do a research on it. anyway, hope you score tonight.

HAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY, everybody.

UCL Philo

There was a young man who said "God
Must find it exceedingly odd
To think that the tree
Should continue to be
When there's no one about in the quad."
"Dear Sir: Your astonishment's odd;
I am always about in the quad.
And that's why the tree
Will continue to be
Since observed by, Yours faithfully, God."

the sausage club

waking up to the freezing cold
and the pitter-patter of morning dew
when the sky is still dark
and your body is still weary
very weary

can be very depressing.

with an aching in your muscles
and an aching in your heart
when the cold wind blows
you wake up and drag yourself to the toilet, queue up to brush your teeth
and then take a leak, and then fill your bottle, and then change to your singlet and dash down 4 flights to fall in at 0535 knowing that the only time you can return to your slumber is 2230.

it can be rather depressing.

but as the cold wind blows
and molests us, you and me.
i look up and see the full moon.

the moon is round and nice. framed by the candyfloss-like clowds that travel slowly across the sky. as we march to the cookhouse the words of the song fade into the background, and i feel an unusual calm awash.

i am happy.
i am happy.

when the moon is round and the air is cold.

556 JUMBO

dinner last night at jia wei in roxy hotel. the food was not bad. the service was good.

dinner tonight is even better. i never thought that there will be a car sent to pick me for dinner in Singapore. maybe it happens in china, but singapore? anyway, the driver took 5 minutes to drive me from my hostel to the restaurant, JUMBO, which is just beside the lagoon at ECP. please lah, it usually takes me like around 5 minutes to walk there as well. but who cares, they are rich and want to pay the car rent, i juz sit and enjoy lor.

food was ok, but not as good as last time. the service stinks. one waitress knock over a cup of tea and took like 5 minutes to come back to our table and clean it. and they dun even serve "yuan xiao" on yuan xiao jie (15th day of CNY, end of CNY) 

so i brought my juniors for a walk after the dinner to look for some "yuan xiao" and cook for ourselves. again, i was shocked by the number of prcs in singapore. the whole shelf in NTUC and coldstorage which holds yuan xiao is empty by the time we reach. life sucks when u cannot get traditional chinese food on chinese festivals.

but i guess don and the army boys are not having fun either. gotta learn to embrace life. tmr got to sub some chem teacher. i realize that usually im only given around 1 hour notice before my lesson. so i always go into the classroom or lab unprepared. haha. but i love impromptu.

good night.

555 look up to the sky

life's good, ah.

bookout yesterday night, book in tonight.

life's good, ah.

anyways no more outfield activities for the rest of bmt. sitest was quite a waste of time. haha. the activities tested mainly your ability to tie knots. so please learne from your scout freends how to tie reefknots, figure of 8s, and all the weed lashings like square, diagonal and shear.

activities can be quite siong depending on the instructor, but mine was slack like shit, except that on the last day we had to run around cos we lepat at all the stations. and the officer following us, hor lan quite a few times so we got lost. anyways even if you dont get lost, the test circuit actually is quite small but they make u take the longg route. a bit like routemarches. cheebeh. 12km, but then everymorning can hear the first post from rocky.

there are smart people and there are stupid people. and there are stupid people with great aspirations. which is not good.

the beginning

went back to RJ for o'night yesterday. took a trip back togther with john cheo. shared our view on certain people, certain things (unis and scholarships). it was a nice 1 hour bus-trip. life always surprises me with its changes. i did not think that i will one day have such a close conversation with john. i mean we were good friends, but not that close. but it is good to know what he thinks and his plan in the future. it is always good to have someone around you who is not talking about water parade and field camp all the time. but i understand the army guys. come on, that IS the only thing happening in their life.

it was good to be back again. although this trip back to school is not that long after my previous one during open house. i was dressed all-formal as i did not hav time to change after work. met a lot of ppl, the ones going overseas to work or intern, the future singapore leaders, the greatest mind who is holding two scholarships and getting the third one in no time. 

the concert in the MPH is not bad. i have not been in such a loud and noisy hall for quite some time. as usual, o'night is all about storyline, IHC, fashion parade and the burning finale. the storyline this year is quite funny. IHC results are unexpected, esp when the top 2 houses last year (BW and HH) are now at the bottom. fashion parade is sort of screwed up. the judges seemed to have a thing for long-legs and large body exposure. out of the five teams in the final, four of them were wearing underwears only that I can literally see the guys' balls even i was sitting at the second floor gallery.

i did not really pay attention during the finale. esp when RI principal was giving her emo and inspiring speech to the crowd. instead, i was catching up with my friends. it was good to be back. i learnt juanhe's psc and mas offers as well as his gic interview; lq's psc offer is in china that he has to forgo his stanford offer; lizzy's psc is in us to study econs, politics and ir....

some of the guys actually wore the army uniform. i tried their marching backpack. freak, my shoulders were almost crashed. how could they carry that and march 20k? i heard about zulu's water parade, which is fun. haha, seems that u hav to show ur loyalty to ur country before u drink water everytime. niiiiiiice. 

jh told me that he felt weird being back to school, but not in the emo way. yeah. it was sort of weird. but i was glad to meet and catch up with all these friends. i am simply happy, even to meet people that i was not so close last time. 

we went for supper afterwards. around 30++ ppl waited outside DOME near junction 8. when the hungry souls could not take it any more, around 10 of us moved to eat elsewhere. but again, lizzy, wearing his full uniform and carrying his full back, wanted somewhere with aircon. so lq, jh, lizzy, tuck heng and me went to KFC. i did not realize how much lq love manga until last night when he got to run to popular before it closes to purchase the newest issue. lq got to leave early because he was tired. so in the end, only jh, lizzy and i stayed.

we were sitting at the table juz opposite the one that 156 uncle sits every day and chat. juz random stuff. i told them about my students and heard the lizzy's story in army about his platoon ic throw the grenade that almost hit an officer as well as jh's life about typing and filing. it was nice to be back.

we only left around 11. but it was nice to be back.

P.S. quite some guys did not make it last night because they did not pass ippt. sigh. all the best.

P.S. think don did not book out this week. maybe he went for some out field mission or stuff. anyway, hope you are doing fine, donny... heehee

the protrait of dorian gray

the fag don tan is not replying my sms even though i hav been sending him messages since the day i came back. bet he s enjoying life in tekong with his army friends..

sigh, life goes on. we all got to move one, sooner or later. 

interestingly, when i borrowed some books from the VS library, my account is still in the school system, and my status is still recorded as Sec 4 student. 

but im no longer that innocent and naive. something i learnt from the principal when i chat with him yesterday, 

"there is no eternal friends, only eternal interest."

now, it does not seems so disappointing when don the faggot does not reply my sms. at least aaron and stho still call and sms when they are free.

when throwing shoes become popular

back to singapore

don has occupied the first three posts of Feb. shit, should hav posted my blogspot yesterday. 

back in singapore, start working tmr. somehow, feels like im back home. im used to the noise of bus 55 everytime it drives past my window and the breeze from the east coast.

life goes on. hope don has done well in his interview today...

1530 fastcraft

lalala. got time for lunch, got time for fun. then i book in. then i got sit test. by the time i reach tekong, it probably is time for dinner.

lol.

i hope my psychological interview went good.

with a little bit of luck

tomorrow will be a good day.

1200 buona vista
1330 upp bt timah
1430 leave for pasir ris
1630 back in tekong

about time for dinner!

nullus secundus

took me ein whole morning to finish reading the budget.

it is not an ordinary budget. it is not even an ordinary countercyclical budget.

it is an extraordinary budget of Resilience. i like all the funny schemes to improve the supply side. fiscal spending with supply side slant. and some aspects of keynesianism. we are all keynesians, we. i think monetary policy is already quite dead. cannot really cut interest rates anymore. and everyone's balls already shrinking, no confidence to invest. govt has to step in to sustain ad. and now is good time to invest in infrastructure cos can soak up excess manpower. it took me time to get some econs back into my system. i think the tekong sun baked it all out of me head.

anyways now i know that the median income in sgp is 2500. never knew that. now i also know tt it costs us 20.5b and is 6% of basic balance, 3.5% of gdp. and us is spending 825b usd n uk spending 20bn pounds. which is all nais. and decoupling and deleveraging and all that shit.

i also now know theres such thing as a tripartite agreement on management of excess manpower. lol. impressive ya. now i hope mas had given me the scholarship a lot a lot a lot more. im juz a pussy reject. boohoohoo.