IES

do i sign away 6 years of my life?

goodbye my dreams

fucked up. knew i was done in, when he asked, so u in ocs? hmm. deathknell. so u didnt play sports at all? why didnt u play sport? hmm.

die already la. i knew the spectre of pussiness surrounding sispec and me will come back and haunt me sooner or later. it came today.

ntu accountancy and economics for me!

look at the stars

please do not let 280409 be like 031208.

give me a chance to live.

just like a star

i have been thinking of an english name for myself although i did not know why on earth i needed one. some have suggested that i need one because the brits will not be able to pronounce my name properly. after a few days, i may become "chinan", which is a good name since my name will be a reflection of my nationality.

thinking of the name was really a tough process. i remembered my first english name given by my english teacher in china was david. she told me the name is to give some handsome gentleman. so i was glad to be david for like a year or so.

then i changed to another class. the new english teacher apparently thought that david is too handsome a name for me. so i became oliver. i can't really remember the reason she gave when she changed my name. but i suspect now that she juz finish reading oliver twist and felt the urge to name someone oliver.

well, after i came to singapore. i thought of changing my name again since neither david nor oliver is a name that i was fond of. and at that time, i was just simply devoted to my beloved school, VS. so i was sure that i needed a name that starts with V. therefore, i became vincent for like, what, a month? before i knew a better school called RI. LOL..

anyway, this time, i am serious. i have been thinking for a long time. but still have not decided which one to pick. i always want a name that sounds good, looks good and actually fits me. but the more i search, the more i realise how little i know about myself. i think zhenan is the only adj i knew to describe myself.

fuck it.

throw me in a fire and let me burn

the setting sun, me in front of the comp, doing nothing productive... i am back to my schooldays.

i feel sad. that i have left it all behind me.




don't it always seem to go,
that you don't know what you've got till its gone...

...you paved paradise and put up a parking lot.




FUCK NS FUCKK SAF!
i will never forgive mindef for taking away 2 fucking years of my life to defend a country i hardly find agreable. the pixellated green shit i wear everyday makes me nauseous. everytime i see the coat of arms i have the urge to point it my little middle finger.

if i ever fuck, and i get a fruit, i will make sure he wont fucking get a red passport and be subject to the same bondage as me.

dhakali

lets have no false pretence
i got fucked today.

went to tanglin this morning.
5 girls, 1 guy. i was the
only guy. and also
the only psc commintview
reject.

first activity of the day was
simple.
editing sentences for
grammatical/punctuation errors
and the like.
like satwriting without options

after that it was a day of hardrape
did a country brief which was a complete joke
dhakali my dick. talked cock, didnt know what i was writing
it was somewhat like nigeria and uganda rolled into one,
and with oil.

just did cock.

interview wif an angmoh. talked about
my life experiences and the like.
wasnt too good, i suppose, but probably a more
decent part of my day.

lunch was poor. after attending firefly, mfa lunch was fk.
cheebye sispec standard. friedrice with egg. lol. but nothing to
complain about. just ate my food and tried to socialize.

after that was team activity where we thrashed out whether we should
work with dhakali. being the only thorn, and being the thorn i was the only one who said we should go in to rape the market. the others were cautious and all that shit, but i think i pushed my case quite well. hehe. some of them just didnt have any idea of what they were talking.

then afterwards was my bomb of the day. supposed to arrange schedule for a delegation. like sudoku with a timetable. cheebye. i got raped. anyhow do, in the end couldnt fit one common timeslot. so i fucked it.

then afterwards was pure rape. negotiation on delegation cost. just talked cock.

hope the assessor liked me.
but fuck man, mfa is no hope already.

i want to book out more. so please let me survive.

interdit

i cannot read french at all. searching universities is a joke when u cannot even read the language. i only know one or two words of ten, and most of the time these words are like, un, et, le, la, les...

hoho. tomorrows going to be grandslam. mfa ac. wow.

hopefully i dont die. i really need to land myself a scholarship so i can go overseas to study and return to a good job. so i can sleep well at night. knowing that i wont be left in a dark and sorry hole to languish the rest of my sad short existence away.

i just feel depressed. i dont know why. i shall go play with my stuff toys.

for whom the bells toll

(sumatran squall blows violently. G3 harbors in a field of tall lallang and huge crickets cowboy style.)
73: *ssshhh..shhhsshhh*
73: hullo 70 this is 73. it is raining. what do we do, over.
70: 73 this is 70, build bashas, over.
73: 73 we have no basha poles, over.
70: 70 *crackle pop pop crackle* (basically go screw yourselves)wear your goretex. do not comms back, out.
(the squall blows quite hard and twigs start snapping. water pools on the groundsheets. everyone is soaked, most are awake, some are shivering. the rain soaks through my pants, my socks absorb the rain and transfers the rain down into my boots.)
73: hullo 70 this is 73. Permission to seek shelter in training shed, over.
70: negative, out. *zzz..zz*

SITREP
Delta Mike Very Very Low Whiskey Everywhere

its quite hard to see sispec go far if the laochiaus just tell u to sleep in the squall while they enjoy the whole shed to themselves. morale is low in sispec, and its not like we dont know why.

the saf is not weatherproof. we are pussy soldiers. in the meantime everyone huddles under the groundsheets. the rifles are left unattended in the unrelenting rain.

(i know mine was. the next morning it was in a muddy pool and when i picked it up water flowed out of the barrel and the magazine.)

lambs led by skunks dont go anywhere.

let there be light

my laptop is overheated. think i have been using it for way too long. well, my life is still in a state of meaningless. the only reason i wake up every morining is to wait for the night to come and go back to sleep again. in between the time, i juz take a little time watching american idol, desperate housewife, gossip girls, and some other taiwan drama (which btw follow the exact same pattern). of course, i left myself with some time to be grateful that i do not need to spend my day in a lecture theatre learning abt shooting missiles and night sleeping in a rainy jungle. but still, i think my life is kinda in a mess.

im gonna leave singapore soon. i've alr booked my air ticket to go back on 31 may. well, 1 june to be exact. i shall not start pouring my emotions here since i will dedicate one post for the years in singapore before i leave. for the ppl i met and the memories i left. well, it is complicated. on one side, im extremely thrilled about going to an entire foreign land to start my life all over again; on the other hand, i cherish every single moment i spent here in the past 4 and half years. and i know, the moment i step on the flight on 1 jun is a full stop for my journey here in singapore. and when the next episode resumes here, i would never know.

to be continued..

so i cried imaginary tears

die already. selling ladies surf wear to high end boutiques. office 2007. wow. unfamiliar with either. 20 mins. freekill. went in to get hardraped. 'u hav well covered the general business consideratns. wadabt the softer side?'

i foamed. wtf is the softer side man, i still dunno. shitz.

hopefully they let me through to the next round. pleese dun let me die so prematurely. i still want to bookout.

anyways, i need some recommendations on pro french unis and grandes ecoles. fucks. looks like im going to need to go to france to stand a chance at either firefly or foreign svc. lol, if not come monday i will just walk in n declare Sorbonne IV. dunno what it is, but its the first on some list.

alors,
aidez-moi, merci beaucoup!

OutOfCamp

wahh siaoz... fieldcamp is fucking siong.
i stay there only for 1 day and i already kena heat rash all over, abrasion from my knee guards and a bad headache from wearing the stupid helmet for a whole day.

the harbor area sucks, luckily i got to go back to pasir laba to sleep. the only time im happy i get to go back to bunk to sleep. lol. wah the feeling when i washed off my camo was just SHIOK. and when i changed out of that disgusting no. 4 shit. was so free i washed my helmet and febreezed my lbv. had fun wanking around the room before booking out this morning at 8. sleep was fantastic, except at 5 the fire alarm went off. but it rained in the morning and it was nice and cozy in my coccoon i made with my blanket. i wonder how those outfieldcowboys are surviving. lol. the rain must have killed them.

4D3N camp has become 3D1N for me. nothing to complain about. except my knee complaint which has become worse with the running on uneven ground, crossing of drainage and leopard crawling. fuck. quite painful when i stretch it out. maybe i should be fallout boy.

i make a lousy soldier. a very lousy infanteer. is there even sucha word? i know i saw it in sispec, but u know in the saf words like tacticalization, fractricide and operationallyreadied exist. anyways, i hate outfield, i feel like dying after 1 hour in the jungle, i get headaches and neckpain from wearing my helmet, i get abrasions and heat rash from my lbv and i also get scrapes cos of the guards. crappy man. i dont know whats happening during lessons outfield, all i do is adjust my helmet and lbv and countdown the time to lunch and the end of outfield.

in other news, i think i got bitten by an aedes mosquito. i saw it stick its proboscis down my arm, but it wasnt painful so i didnt flick it away, until i realized it had zebra legs. by the time i got to flicking it away it had already sucked for 5sec? hmm. hope it doesnt carry dengue. cheebye.

interview/presentation later. given a life licence, better not fuck it up. in the meantime i shall do some reading to jolt my brain...

I is for Injury

D is for Don
O is for OOC
N is for November

T is for Tan
A is for Apple
N is for Noww

R is for RMJ
O is for Oreo
C is for ChaoKeng
K is for Kiwi
S is for Sispec

E is for Everything

down by the longkang,
i took a little walk.
banged into some neighbors,
had a little talk.

slaughterhouse

nuslaw is too tough.

foamed at the interview yesterday. after 1 night with minimal sleep as cos on a foamy safari bed in a fkin cold office with one encik breaking in at 1am, i reached home at 9, had to look for photos, and write the essay and then travel down to the bt timah campus.

interview questions were tough. asked me about econs and how it relates to law. asked me about social justice, asked me about econs and asean?! cos i says i read about asean recently. did not look good cos i was shagged out i spoke extremely pussily and all the octs were wearing their penguin suits. cheebye.

today was tough too. it was like rj all over again. see all the same people, classmates, ogmates and all. walau eh. a lot of pros u never expect to apply because they got places in like dartmouth and whatnot. all the best of the arts stream were there.sian. i wrote nonsense for the 2 questions, didnt really know how to craft a brilliant piece.

looks like im going to have to take up the ntu offer of bizacc. then take actuarial science or sth.

anyways fieldcamp tomorrow. it will suck. heat rash and all the mud. and camou is so welcoming.soo welcoming. only problem is that i hurt my knee from gypsy ii and im on status so i rmj exll. hahas. so how? i also dunno. anyways firefly on tues. can bookout. rocks.

robin

todays fireflyround2 was a joke. did damn poorly. die already lar. anyways i had fun booking out. 21 ppl in 3 grps. jassie was there. almost all from rj. my grp got 3 i alr knew beforehand. 1 guy 2 girls. heh. my presentatn was foamy, and the group really played the games damn pussily.

psc dun wan me. sgs foreign svc. cannot defer. but cannot think so far. thats if they even want me in the first place. life is seriously damn foamy.

my life isnt riddled with problems. my life is the problem. im seriously screwing up damn badly, going down all the wrong alleys and getting myself screwed.

later still have to book in for 3 SOCs in 3 days. and then fieldcamp. wtf.

never has so much been owed by so many to so few

600

met zhegay aar like miao n robing yest. reminisced the happier 6Times. that i took forgranted and did notappreciate.

i
regret.

those orang cina enjoyin life. dunneed to go camping in the middle of nowhere, go on 1k morning runs, carry fieldpacks and matadors on missions that dont make sense, clean carbon and all that shit. while the orangbumi go through all this nonsense to 'protect' them.

i dream of life.

i dream of living.

firefly 2nd round.
3SOCs in 1 week. and then fieldcamp.

i dont know how i am going to survive.
bye world.

introspection

i rarely talk about other people on this blog cos i do not want to hurt their feelings or bear the consequences of any illchosen words. and i find thinking about myself quite so very interesting. sispec life sounds quite good compared to ocs life, but no one can deny that sispec pussies earn around 200 less every month and wont get the respect that the ocs men do.

the root of HELLO is HELL

holding her hands, i looked into her eyes and asked her to, be my future wife

today is good friday. any friday i am not in camp is a good friday.

long weekend. quite shiok. luckily never suay suay kena RT. luckily i never fail any sil test. hahas. quite amazed at how i raped my section at navigation even though i did not even go for the navigation lesson and i hardly touched my navigation book cos i lived the sispec motto- with pride we lead, got food we eat, got time we sleep.

theory still ok, cos we learnt all that nonsense in sec 1 geography. map reading, azimuth and all that crap. but practical really made me foam. i cannot navigate at night at all. i am a wuss. the dark scares me a little. especially when in the day i have walked the path downwards at an incline of 60deg to the horizontal and there are barks, mud cakes and mangled barbed wires along the path. and you cannot use torchlights and in the jungle moonlight doesnt shine through well. i guess im fucked for exgrandslam.

i am unimpressed by the weapons systems. yupp, huge firepower, but by the time the infantry section reaches their objective they will be completely shagged out. the one shot matador is like 8or 9 kg? and the m203 with a heavy head is hard to aim. anyways its an army of 3G tech and 1G soldiers. even the demonstrators missed lor. cheebye. but a man like me hit. anyways if i become a sect comm, i will horlan all the way. my platoon probably wont see any action if i become point sectn cos we will end up someplace else. lol. anyways, the stupid lbv will fuck u up alr. they make the uniform so breathable for fuck? the lbv completely covers your torso and in the tropical heat will kill ur morale and ur person. ud be sweating like a fish. stupid saf. they say what make it breathable. cheebye u put all the pouches on breathable my dick.

okaez going out n then going to prepare for my day of fun come tuesday! jtc bldg.

i overcome adversity with my life

after meeting up with andyboy and zhegay, having dinner with them at waraku, i took the train and was supposed to meet my parents at clementi. they werent there so i wandered clementi central all by myself.

clementi central really has been a very important relic of my past. i lived in clementi throughout my formative years. or at least i spent most of my waking hours there. i studied in pcf kindergarten, studied in nan hua, and even after going to ri i stayed in clementi up to sec 2. until then i either took the mrt, or if too lazy i took 156 with daniel cheng. i remember during the years i was there, i studied music at yamaha, and flunked like a gay. my results were so bad my name did not even appear on the nominal role. i still remember the last piece i ever played before i snapped my electone. so-ti-re-re-mi-re-mi-re-ti-so-la-so-fa-mi-fa-la-so. i walked around what was then emporium, went to the old kfc when it still served on plates. and big bookshop. i went there to get almost everything. i remember when i put together some coins to buy 3 sticks of superclay. they were 60c a stick.i remember trying out pens before psle, then again before o levels. yea. i took 1 paper. i got reference materials, textbooks and all.

sometimes i wonder how my life would be different. if i had gotten into gep at p3, and if i hadnt surfed erotica the 2nd day i got my internet. if i had worked harder, been a nicer person and all. i keep dwelling in the past, too little in the present. the past is not a mirror of the future, but i always look into it. forguidance, but to the extent that i assume dangerously them to be the same.

i know the past cannot be changed, but the many trajectories of life that could have come out of it always amuses me that i grant some thought. many a time, things do not go the way i hope them to. i shall be completely honest, i really want to become an officer. and from past experience, 8As+ippt pass= ocs. unless ur a complete faggot. but woe be me, now its like ippt silver. and i only just achieved it wednesday past. even then, there is no guarantee i will get to don the kitkat bar. MAS, and the way i squandered the good life away 3rd dec last year, still makes me sore. im a wounded, broken man. wait. a wounded, broken, sispec pussy.

some put life to Fate. but i dont believe in Fate a lot. Fate is a disincentive to work hard. if everything is already written in the Book of Life and Death then is the propensity to work hard also written in? is our every action already determined? so if we kill someone, its predetermined? i dont know. and i dont think i will.

and what actually makes life a good one? living in the lap of luxury, having family and friends, or just a highspeed connection to surf porn? is leading an unblemished life possible, or even desirable? what is it about having the depth apart from the length of life? there is really so much i want to know, so much i dont know, and so many things that i cannot control. and things change very fast. 3200mils in a split second.

life gets quite tough when you try venturing into the great beyond.

a broken man

let's see what i had been rejected by/for/from:

MAS
Warwick
LSE Econs
OCS

today i opened my mail and i checked my unis.

well,

LSE philoecons rejected me.
so did columbia and stanford.

fuck.
fuck.
fuck.

so im going to tell the scholarship boards i only got offers from UCL and Durham?

no please, even NUS hasnt gotten back to me on Law yet.

soon i will get raped by ie singapore. shouldnt have slacked so much that now im fucked.

and i know,
yes i do, that psc is no hope.

i am so screwed.