because what was there is gone

argh fuck. the roof is leaking again. heard the rain was damn heavy. not as bad as the last time when water cascaded down through the skylight, but little streaks. fuck. my maid noticed it at 1pm and she didnt do anything about it?! what the hell? told her to call me or anyone else when this happens and she didnt? she thought it wasnt serious? we employed her to make this kinda decisions? argh.
hopefully the contractor comes before anymore shit happens. in the mean time i shall blog.

mentoring the kids is becoming hell for me. they are just too different from me, too different from what i expect. their background is really different.
well the cool boy asked all sorts of stupid questions again, including why two dollars and five cents is written as $2.05 and not $2.5 its actually a little hard to understand this especially when u r like 4 years old. this boy is double that age. heard he lied to zhenan, apparently that class has mowed ahead and is toward the end of the book and he still is at money. what the hell man. well i was there once, except i knew how to count, especially money. but procrastination setting in so young is surprising.
his sister is in an equally bad state. what happens is a tutor gives her questions to do on the next topic and somehow thinks she can find the answers. today is electricity. fk. and she doesnt know anything about electricity. and this is really hard to believe. as in, whats the point of this man? surely u r slacking or stupid or trying to be funny? she is just p4, u expect her to be driven enough to read ahead? u expect her to know without teaching? if she could do both she wouldnt be at the center and she wouldnt need your tuition.
their standard of english is also extremely bad. a p1 boy cannot conjugate singular and plural tenses, a p3 boy cannot tell the difference between A, An and The. and try to do worksheets by assessing the pattern. like, 12121 or something stupid like that.i almost went nuts.
and some are really vulgar. well i might have slight amnesia, but i dont remember using fuck at the tender age of 9. well at that age i dont think most boys can fuck anything or even turn rigid enough. maybe at p3 i used idiot and shit. nothing more. this boy carried a tune on fuck. poorly. and he told the girl to fuck off. walau whats this man. quite shocking, really, especially when on the hierachy of vulgarities fuck ranks super high. (low on the list are shit and screw and damn and hell)
i feel guilty everytime i go. i feel guilty everytime i leave. esp when aaron isnt there its quite hard for 2 of us to control so many of them. and we dont give each of them adequate attention. well each of them goes to the center for 1 hr, but how much of our time is apportioned to each. some, like harmajeet gets 1/2 hr, some, like the quiet girl, under 5mins. what makes this worse is that everyone is progressing at his own pace and at his own level. the whole thing is a rambunctious mess.
we arent teachers. as much as the teachers in school suck, they have received some formal training and theories of education. both of us? nothing, just the experience of having been taught. zhenan never attended primary school here. i did, almost 5 years ago. things have changed since then. n bluntly, we are more intellectually privileged relative to them, and it is much easier for us to grasp these silly concepts. so we, especially, i get impatient and irritated when people ask me questions like why is it furniture and not furnitures three times over.
they dont get the attention by the people who should. theres totally no quality in this. i dont see them benefiting. but i guess im not going to do anything about this. when i picked this cip up i cautioned myself not to grow too emotionally attached to them and dont let their problems become my problems as well. im not going to lose sleep over these issues.

was blogsurfing yesterday and i read this on hweeleongs blog.
"I used to drag my heavy bag filled with textbooks and the cluttered file to class, collapse onto my seat and snooze until the assembly bell rang, and then scurry to the astroturf to assemble. Then it was walking back to class and chatting with everyone until the teacher came in and then it's chatting again and it repeats itself until recess. Yes recess. The concept of a common break. Nobody appreciates it until it's gone. Nobody appreciated how the hundred plus people you've been growing up with for 4 whole years are all conveniently placed in classrooms in one single row. Nobody appreciated how despite all the cliques in class, nothing really posed much of a barrier because we were all guys. Nobody appreciated the noise people made, the jokes people cracked in class, the teasings and laughter which became part and parcel of everyday classroom life."
ri life was really life. thats what student life should be all about. about playing cchess everyday. talkingcock. telling jokes about each other. sure, the element of girls wasnt present then, but are they really present now? yea girls exist in rj, but not the type. all that happens is that relationships in rj become superficial and stupid. other than in your cliques, of again, guys, everyone is diplomatic to the point of hypocrisy. people u dont already know, u wont get to know, truly, deeply, fully. people become bimbotic and retarded. i miss ri.
and i want to go back for teachers day. yet all the lil 4p baskets have to go back to their pri schs. sammy n dom n gang gng back to acsp, i heard st hildas gng back. argh screw all of u man. why nobody goes back to ri. ri is the place. especially for me. pri sch was juz a sad nightmare i dont want to bring up again. i miss the birthday celebrations. i miss all the nigel abusing. i miss all of these. but theyre all over.

emptiness. what is my life all about? why am i living? i dont know. i wont know. but for once, i care.