friday and what it brings still separate me from the weekend

i still have not dont my french essay which should be turned in tomorrow, and i dont feel any strong urge to start doing it. i am usuallys shagged out after camp. the fact that i am tuned to relax mode whem i am at home makes it much worse. my mind remains lucid even during the most dreary french lessons but once i am home it turns to mush from just from recognizing work.

i am often guilty of thinking too much about things, of thinking about how things can get worse. that makes life difficult because i second guess people and i think of how to defend against embarrassment or loss a little too much. i was once or twice bitten, but instead of just being shy i have become paranoid. like shihuangdi i build walls around me to prevent unpleasant intrusion, but these walls oftentimes also prevent beneficial redox (Xchange and Xcel, how dumb, sec3obs) reactions.

i should try not to read too much into things or people because sometimes people can be altruistic. and quite often now no matter the amount of thought the unpleasant outcome is usually unavoidable. i just have to suck all the shit up until i ord.