i'm just so sick and tired

of my life. i am so sick of the army and i am so sick of french. i hate doing what i do but i feel guilty when i don't. i hate how the institute has been such a waste of life, i hate how it demeans the individual, i hate its onesizefitsall approach, i hate the absence of reason, i hate the pervasive stupidity. it suffocates. at the same time i hate how french can be such a beautiful language but it has so many synonyms and so many different appendages. i hate how there are so many prefixes and suffixes that are so affected by not just the gender or number of subjects but also by the placement of the object. i hate how the table is female and the computer is male. and i hate how there are 8 basic commonly used tenses to screw my life up. and i hate the 3 different sets of rules for conjugation for which there is more than 100 common exceptions. i hate how it is natural to many but it is as natural to me as bestiality. i hate the way my french teacher dumbs down my essay. i hate his air of superiority about how ideas should be argued. he is a french teacher, not a rhetoric teacher. but it is not about him, but about me, myself. i hate how i have been a masochist a temporal masochist. i hate myself for trying to fit in when i clearly dont, for trying to find reason where it does not exist, and for choosing everything that everyone else can be expected to choose whether or not i actually like what i am doing. i hate how i keep hoping that life will be better, and i hate how i get disappointed because i take any achievement of pleasure or satisfaction not as a peak but as a pedestal to build on to achieve greater heights. i hate how i actually keep thinking of climbing higher, when i am actually just stuck at the same spot. i hate it.

i just want to throw all that i hate away, but i cannot. i am on mc today but i cannot help thinking a little about what is going on in camp without me. i actually feel guilty that i am not there to be with the rest of the guys, even though my presence will not make much of a difference to the outcome. and like now, when i am not studying my french, i feel guilty. it is this paranoia that eats away at my mind when i am resting, that this time when i am not conventionally productive will result in a great loss on my part or on the part of people i care about. i dont want to look back in regret and maybe even anger when i receive bad ratings. i am obsessed aboutgs. i dont know why. but i cant change my obsession. i am afraid to make mistakes, i am afraid of failure. yet i am also often unwilling to sacrifice and to feel pain. i am guilty of often praying hoping and wishing. i get lucky sometimes, but mostly i mess up.

i am really so sick and tired of all this. so sick and tired of the way i lead my life. so sick and tired of my life. i am not even 20 yet. i really really am screwed.