procrastination

i have been putting things that i can and should do now for later. it is already a habit. it does not just screw my life up in the long run, it makes me sad too. i took 3 whole weeks from receipt of the email from vital to get together all my receipts and statements and get them all scanned over. that is really really long, considering that i was actually home for most of the period, and not really a real soldier like aaron mentioned.

today i was supposed to study french, but the whole morning i somehow could not pull myself together. i did nothing. except read the newspapers, which probably benefited me because i laughed at the comics, but only in the very short run. i started studying after lunch, but gave up about 1 hour ago after i forgot a few prepositions. i hate french grammar. i know i should be working harder at it, but i have been too much of a pussy to have any determination. i am not one to suffer hardship, and my ns life is the hallmark of this. i think i need to see a shrink to reorientate my mind. i am a human being, not a strawberry or whatever nonsense gen y is called in the cheena media.

i should be off the whole week, but i have a physio tomorrow and probably on thursday too. and on thursday i did not take off so that i can return to camp to celebrate the ord of my friends who were fitter than me according to the napfa test. i have the whole of tuesday and the whole of wednesday to study french. and i am going to study damn hard. i study better in the library. less distractions. so i will be going to the library to mug like a gay. like how i mugged in the few weeks before a levels. i was really on fire then, if my memory fails me not.

i will pass my french exams, i hope.

no more working days!

this is the meaning of life.

rien a foutre

today i just did not bother about whether all the information was in. i knocked off promptly and took the shuttle bus to freedom. haha. tomorrow is my last day in camp and i really cannot be bothered about the camp. i dont really care what people say, i dont really care what they want to do too. i am definitely not going to stay around to wait for things. i set a reasonable deadline, and if they did not observe it, it is their problem. i dont even care that there is a high chance of screwing up tomorrow. it bothers me no more. there is no more relationship to talk about. no more mutual backscratching. no more. no more. i am so happy.

tomorrow i will just settle the powerpoint and then settle the maps. and then i will walk off to my french lessons. i dont care, even if i leave behind a trail of destruction. someone else will clear it up, just like how i cleared up when i came around. of course i dont think there is much distruction, since i dont have much responsibility in the first place.

spoke to shayi today. i think i did more of the talking. but i enjoyed myself with the 1for1. and the staff was fairly polite and the food tasted nice. it was good value i guess, considering the ambience too.

ready to ord.

can everyone

please be cooperative tomorrow and sort out all the results by 1pm tomorrow?

help me God

thanks



and listen to the moaning

84*mid

today at physio i talked to a star.
i wonder what the star was doing
at physio.

its not like the star would ever chiongsua
may the star was training up for ippt
or doing somemarathon
and then the star got injured.

or maybe the star was there to inspect the place to look out for his own soldiers
in this case i salutes him.

on the preservation of dead dreams

i hope all of those who stand in the way of my peaceful retirement will die a horrible death and burn in hell, because that is what they much deserve for stirring shit. may they find themselves in the sewer full of shit so they can just be stirrers themselves. those evil jealous people should all be erased from the face of the earth. for the greater good of all mankind.

bah

maybe instead of working, i should try to go for language immersion lessons in france. but if i do that then i had better rape french damn hard and dont get killed along the way. and i will miss singapore.

it is raining

my lips are cracked and dry

why is life like that

c'est la vie

i am not feeling well again. stomachache, i dont know why. maybe i swallowed too much mouthwash. maybe i ate the stale donut. i hope my wound is healing well. i am afraid of pain. the past few months i have experienced much pain, physical pain. in end february i extracted the right wisdom, in june i removed the torn meniscus, and on monday i extracted the left wisdom. of course now my skin is peeling, thanks to isotretinoin. and i have become so sensitive to sunlight i feel like im a bat. luckily there is the haze so the sunlight isnt so strong. but i am still sunburnt at the joints, i dont know why.

i played with my red eared slider. it has been around since midway through my 77 day hospitalization leave. it looks lethargic nowadays, even when i try to exercise it whenever i am free. usually about 4 hours spread throughout the week. i know my maid feeds it, but i dont know whether she exercises it often. it no longer likes to roam around the grasspatch that is my garden. it just dashes for the hedges and gets stuck. and i have to dig it out. i dont like digging reptiles. they are slimy. but i have no choice. i put it back inside its little tray and had it some wave-pool fun. nice spa for turtle.

the turtle does not have to look for food. it gets fed well. although of course the food is shit. some feed i bought from a pet and petfood trading shop in the village near my place. brown or green sticks that look like shit if soaked in the water for too long. sometimes the turtle gets vegetables too. but the turtle does not like vegetables, so when i am feeling nice or when i am feeling mean i will harass it with the vege stalks and force it to chew up some fibers so it wouldnt die.

i think the turtle is just staying alive. it is not really happy. it is bored. it doesnt get to hunt. apparently sliders are good hunters in the wild. but in captivity they usually only hunt stunned shrimp. but i think i dont want it to have any bloodlust and bite me when i go too close, so i have not fed it any meat. of course the feed contains meat, but it is quite processed so no thought of meat even gets conjured up. just like chicken nuggets. i never associate chickens with the nuggets so i dont feel cruel when i eat the nuggets.

the turtle tries to climb out of its little tray very often. it needs to see the world beyond. it is adventurous. it is just like me in this respect, and also another. it is weak. it cant get over the low wall. it tries as hard as it can at least a third of the day, but it gets all extended before it drops back into the tank. unlike me, it is determined. i wont be surprised that one day it gets to run off to freedom.

of course we cant tell if freedom is going to be good for it. getting out of the tank means it has increased its chances of finding a mate exponentially. which is a good thing. i still dont know whether the slider is male or female or androgynous, but i know that it has instincts and needs. when it is not trying to scale the tray it is humping itself. but it is going to be risky to let it out into the big bad world that is my neighborhood. if it is lucky it would get crushed immediately by a caterpillar truck. its contents would be splattered across the road and its soul would ascend to the heavens, if it didnt deserve to get reborn as a lizard or something. if it is unlucky some neighbors big dog is going to come along and bite its limbs off one by one. if it is unluckier it would stupidly get stuck in another hedge and get dehydrated if nothing finds it. and that is going to be a slow and painful process. i think when my maid found the turtle it was already wrinkly and too feeble to cling onto the hedge as it can now, after we rehabilitated it. probably it got stuck there for a day or two. it was dying, and we saved it. but i am not sure if it is a good thing.

i am not sure if it was kind or foolish to help it live.

je ne veux pas travailler

i should be studying french but i am not. i have no discipline at home. and french homework is quite difficult so i dont get much kick from doing it. i always suspect and often correctly, that something is wrong. i dont like to do things wrongly. so i dont do anything. end everytime i am home i just vegetate. and i feel sad. and i think about things. like how my laptop fan is on the right hand side to warm my hand and mouse up. this is not japan. damn. and i wonder why ikea furniture dont last long. and my table is yellowing and some of the foil finish is peeling. and i feel sad. my life is crummy. and i feel sad. i feel down. i am alone. i dont want to be alone. i want to be with friends. wait, do i have friends at all? i mean i want to be with people who are charitable enough to spend some time with me.

i have no choice but to be alone. i dont want to impose too much on charitable people. when i am at home i like it to be quiet. but it is not quiet. i can hear the drilling from my neighbor's. it gets so bad sometimes even the pendant lamps vibrate. and the windowframes. and even my skull vibrates. i feel sad. i feel irritated. all the more i dont want to work. all the more i simply vegetate as time ticks away. i know i am screwing up my life like that, but i cant pick myself up just yet. i dont know how to.

i am stuck in a rut. i am feeling depressed. i need help. i need tinklefriends. i dont even know their number now. i dont dare to call the saf hotline. i dont want my name to be taken down. i dont want to be singled out for being weak and sad and weak.

My Cocktail

01 X Random Red Tablet
01 X Huge White Tablet
01 X Pink Pill (Isotretinoin 10mg)
01 X Red Pill (Isotretinoin 20mg)

and for this week only (i hope)
01 X Hexagonal White Tablet (Arcoxia)
01 X Little White Tablet (Anti-inflammation)
06 X Yellow-Brown Pill (Antibiotic)
15ml Blue Juice (Mouth Wash)

Isotretinoin Cream
Sunblock
Lip Balm

Real Consumer

Dead Teeth

It all felt the same. a pinoy, another pinoy and the dentist. all female. but they were hiding behind faceshields so i could not evaluate them, but its all the same, i was too anxious to do it. my balls were the size of raisins by then. i gripped my left thumb so hard as the anesthetic was injected that my nail marks can still be seen. and i had cut my nails during the weekend.

having done the same thing before i was not so nervous, but i felt like crap all the same as my face was covered with the hood. i felt like i was on a reclining electric chair, waiting to draw my last breath. i was fixated on the bright light that streamed through the glory hole, as if it was the light that would lead me to a far, far better place.

it was then that i suddenly thought about the frailty of life and how everyone is just a pulse in the eternal mind. we can have our own plans, and what we perceive as our own designs in life. there might be some truth, but very often we are bound by events beyond our control, and the course of our lives get altered much. like my tooth. up to the moment the drill got to it, blood was still pulsing about its roots, and it was probably still growing, and growing. and living. maybe even the splite second where the last bit left the bed of gum, it was still getting nourished by a system that has continued churning about.

i felt a little sad. for the tooth. maybe it was intending to grow big and strong and wreak havoc like a little tyrant in my mouth. maybe it had plans. but suddenly it got removed. it died. maybe it struggled, but not valiantly as it got sawn in half, smashed, drilled through, then smashed, then extracted bit by bit. i felt quite sorry for it.

then i felt sorry for myself. maybe i am but just a tooth in a far greater organism capable of far greater thoughts and far greater work, and my fate is almost completely controlled by it. maybe like a wisdom tooth i might grow too big and then get cut down into pieces and removed. i might cause some discomfort, even pain, to the organism, but only for a short span in comparison to what immortal time can bring.

and i still am feeling sorry because the bleeding has not stopped. wtf. i am so screwed.

a part of me is going to die tomorrow

WISDOM TOOTH EXTRACTION = LYING ON A BED, SURROUNDED BY PINOY NURSES, WITH A DENTIST THAT IS CRAZY ABOUT DRILLING AND INJECTING PAINKILLERS. AND 30 MIN OF DRILLING AND DIGGING THAT MAKES IT FEEL LIKE A CONSTRUCTION SITE INSIDE YOUR SKULL.

OH MY GOD

I HOPE IT WILL NOT BE PAIN AT ALL!

OH MY GOD

OH OH OH MY GOD

today i met a heartlandiot

i went to giant. i was pushing a trolley. a guy in the queue had a trolley full of stuff that made the passage a wee bit too narrow for me to pass. i says excuse me. i think he did hear it, but he pretended not to. i says again. he pretended not to and started talking to his sonny. i got pissed. i rammed my trolley into his. his other sonny standing there got bonked in the head. and his son cried. instead of pacifying his son he said 'hello, hello!' i think at me. but i pretended not to hears him. but when later as he was paying up, i stared him down and then his kids and clenched my fist. i think even tensed my neck up.

thats what you get for not getting out of my way.

where is the spin doctor

the last time i felt this way, it was 2006. it was about ratifying the CCA records, and then as now, the air felt the same, and i felt alone. and i was very, very troubled. one right move will seal the deal, one wrong one and my world would fall apart. now as then, i felt regret that i did not play my hand as well as i could and should have. but as well, now as then, i feel some hope. and i tread carefully.

Ohhhh arrrrrrr deeeeeeee

as the day draws closer, the fever gets more and more intense. status updates on facebook from your classmates, schoolmates, bmtmates, sispec buddies, fellow oocs. conversations among campmates of the same batch and the following batches. they all put a smile on my face.

damn, i cant wait for my ord!

they forced me to clear off today

and i am quite cross about it. i think it unacceptable for them to tell you to take off just the day before, because you are usually too unprepared to enjoy the full day. but it is alright. i am resting now. in half an hour i will bus down to alliance to mug hard. haha.

aaron is on mc this week. so good.

next week he will still be on mc. so good.

next week i will be on mc too. hehe.

and after that i have hardly enough time to clear my off and leave! because i have physio twice a week until my ord. and i definitely need to go back at least 2 days in the last 3 weeks to catch all the signatures. nevermind. whatever i cant expend i consider as gifts to the army.

1 year 10 months ago, i enlisted on tekong. i have under 2 months left. finalement.

danger ahead

2 more work weeks. i am not going to get myself entangled anymore. i dont care about anything anymore. except my pile of medical appointments and medical excuses. they all make me quite happy. they make me feel safe. soon, i will cut the gordian knot and i will break free!

civilian conversion course

is CCC compulsory for ORD?

i want to go for it. if i do go for it monday i will start clearing leave and off.

japanese cheese

a cooling night,
romantic street light.
i feel fuzzy at home.

when i see your face

there's not a thing that i would change
'cause you're amazing, just the way you are.

i am completely in the ORD swing already, just as much as the november boys, just that it is not lull in my camp and i cannot just go awol and fly kite at the barrage just like half of them are doing. but i accept it. everyone has a different lot and i am thankful that most of iti life has been pretty slack so far and pretty peaceful. i hope it stays the same. although now i am in another FML crisis.

i think i feel moody because i have not enough sunlight. i feel for girls now. that they cannot control their moods because of physiological reasons generally beyond control.

Fk This World

i dont need people to tell me how to do their work. because i am not here to do their work. sometimes i dont know what they are thinking. its just slightly over 20 working days if those fridays are counted. and i probably will do some physio. i like physio because i like to feel like im doing something to make myself better and i just dont like to be in camp where i am not contributing but i must act like i am. it is frustrating. and i dont appreciate the audacity of some fellow nsfs. how dare they act like they own all the storemen and they can tell anyone to do anything?

apres moi, le deluge.

rhythm of life

i don't care at all how my peers perceive me. to me the day is but brackets of space in an eternal timetable. i just think of ways to fill the brackets. but mostly i dont mind wasting them away as long as i am not doing something unpleasant. usually with an economist in one hand and my green water bottle filled with ice cold water in the other, in the quiet of the office, i am at one with everything.

i dislike getting disturbed and i dont often rouse from my steady state. when i do i dont bear grudges and i dont feel irritated. i just feel time passing.

have i reached enlightenment or have i given up with life?

isotretinoin

among the many possible side effects like temporary hair loss and temporary increase in cholesterol levels, there is one that stands out much.

"dryness of the vagina - apply petroleum jelly on affected parts before sexual intercourse or as required"

there is one whole section on feminine hygiene. apparently this is powerful stuff that can aggravate menstrual pains, increase menstrual flow and mess up the rhythm. it causes muscle and bone aches and can cause tender sensation in breasts. and double protection of the pill (available from most pharmacies) and a physical barrier (condom or IUD used with spermicide)is strongly recommended if sex is required, to prevent pregnancy so there wont be no baby frankenstein.

i am flabbergasted.

here come's the sun

it's also about turning weakness into strength, about exploiting everything we can. finally the doctor has given me roacutane, a little late, but very useful nonetheless. i have greater hopes of clearing out my acne soon, which is bothering me quite a bit, and i get to be excused from sunlight and join, albeit for a very short while, the pes e gang. on top of it, roacutane is ridiculously expensive, at $300 for 1/3 the course of pills. and the private insurance does not cover for acne medication. how lucky i was to have cheok as my mo and seow as my specialist. although i must admit that seow was cooperative only from yesterday. previously he refused my requests much. now all i hope is that the first course works, and i can get all the medication i need before i ord. i dont want to pay for it, and i dont think the civilsvc card will cover me before i start work.

phallic arrows

the presentation of symbols often amuse me. how one presents his or her symbols changes with the passage of time, but they still bear some telltale signs of the circumstances through which the person had picked up or integrated the symbol into his or her daily life. some symbols are picked up as part of formal education and stay on forever, like double striking the $. sometimes it is the way a whole culture does it, like how the french write their '1' with the prestroke extending from the horizon. some manifestations point to girliness, like using circles or hearts to finish off 'i' and 'j'. and maybe even smaller social groups. i notice that many rg girls tend to draw the heart shape in a weird way with a stroke across it, like an 's' lying on its side and then completed to make a traditional looking heartshape. maybe it is this stroke across that prevents them from finding romance.

and weirdly, all 3 french teachers at the alliance have arrowsigns that are strangely very phallic. instead of the stick arrow they use an outline of the arrow so that the arrow looks like =>. when they do it quickly the point gets blunted off so it looks really really like a dick. maybe it is intentional innuendo in response to the excess estrogen in the class.

some are more conscious than others that there are people who observe such stuff. and some make great effort to conceal such signs so that they are not judged and mostly so they do not get spat on. i dislike such pretentious people although i understand where they come from.