Dead Teeth

It all felt the same. a pinoy, another pinoy and the dentist. all female. but they were hiding behind faceshields so i could not evaluate them, but its all the same, i was too anxious to do it. my balls were the size of raisins by then. i gripped my left thumb so hard as the anesthetic was injected that my nail marks can still be seen. and i had cut my nails during the weekend.

having done the same thing before i was not so nervous, but i felt like crap all the same as my face was covered with the hood. i felt like i was on a reclining electric chair, waiting to draw my last breath. i was fixated on the bright light that streamed through the glory hole, as if it was the light that would lead me to a far, far better place.

it was then that i suddenly thought about the frailty of life and how everyone is just a pulse in the eternal mind. we can have our own plans, and what we perceive as our own designs in life. there might be some truth, but very often we are bound by events beyond our control, and the course of our lives get altered much. like my tooth. up to the moment the drill got to it, blood was still pulsing about its roots, and it was probably still growing, and growing. and living. maybe even the splite second where the last bit left the bed of gum, it was still getting nourished by a system that has continued churning about.

i felt a little sad. for the tooth. maybe it was intending to grow big and strong and wreak havoc like a little tyrant in my mouth. maybe it had plans. but suddenly it got removed. it died. maybe it struggled, but not valiantly as it got sawn in half, smashed, drilled through, then smashed, then extracted bit by bit. i felt quite sorry for it.

then i felt sorry for myself. maybe i am but just a tooth in a far greater organism capable of far greater thoughts and far greater work, and my fate is almost completely controlled by it. maybe like a wisdom tooth i might grow too big and then get cut down into pieces and removed. i might cause some discomfort, even pain, to the organism, but only for a short span in comparison to what immortal time can bring.

and i still am feeling sorry because the bleeding has not stopped. wtf. i am so screwed.