je ne veux pas travailler

i should be studying french but i am not. i have no discipline at home. and french homework is quite difficult so i dont get much kick from doing it. i always suspect and often correctly, that something is wrong. i dont like to do things wrongly. so i dont do anything. end everytime i am home i just vegetate. and i feel sad. and i think about things. like how my laptop fan is on the right hand side to warm my hand and mouse up. this is not japan. damn. and i wonder why ikea furniture dont last long. and my table is yellowing and some of the foil finish is peeling. and i feel sad. my life is crummy. and i feel sad. i feel down. i am alone. i dont want to be alone. i want to be with friends. wait, do i have friends at all? i mean i want to be with people who are charitable enough to spend some time with me.

i have no choice but to be alone. i dont want to impose too much on charitable people. when i am at home i like it to be quiet. but it is not quiet. i can hear the drilling from my neighbor's. it gets so bad sometimes even the pendant lamps vibrate. and the windowframes. and even my skull vibrates. i feel sad. i feel irritated. all the more i dont want to work. all the more i simply vegetate as time ticks away. i know i am screwing up my life like that, but i cant pick myself up just yet. i dont know how to.

i am stuck in a rut. i am feeling depressed. i need help. i need tinklefriends. i dont even know their number now. i dont dare to call the saf hotline. i dont want my name to be taken down. i dont want to be singled out for being weak and sad and weak.